I have a friend called Jack, a smart guy with a high-flying career as a Senior Manager at a private equity firm. He owns a big home in an exclusive neighbourhood. You can say that Jack has sh**t together. The only problem is that each time Jack dates girl, it’s not long before he calls me to say that his girlfriend has dumped him.
He spends time and energy on these short relationships in the hopes that they will eventually turn into long-term relationships. He’s heard all the speeches about “I’m not ready for anything serious” or I’m just looking for something casual” but he continues to date these women anyway.
They break up with him and the next thing you know, they are married, have a mortgage with their new partner and have cute babies.
Jack is a Foster Boyfriend — this is a person who is a placeholder who preparers their girlfriends before they go out and find their true love. He teaches them skills, which they go and use on their eventual soul mates.
Being a Foster Boyfriend is frustrating, hurtful and confusing. It will leave your questioning yourself worth.
Spot the RedFlag
I wish I’d told Jack when a woman says that she doesn’t want to be a serious relationship, what she’s really saying is “I don’t want to be in a serious relationship with you”.
Sometimes they could be telling the truth, for example, they may have been scarred from a previous relationship or have baggage that they need to deal with first before they commit to a relationship but in MOST cases, it’s a BS excuse……. it’s a soft rejection.
When she tells you she doesn’t want anything serious, you need to END the relationship IMMEDIATELY. A woman who is attracted to you and thinks you’re a catch will not play games with you.
If you don’t cut her loose, you could be wasting precious time that you could use to meet someone else willing to commit to you.
If she’s wishy washy at the beginning, chances are that she’s holding on for someone better than you. Men should only pursue women who are slightly more invested in the relationship than they are and not the other way around.
You need to know your worth and never put anyone on a pedestal. Always think you’re the prize that needs to be won. If you approach any dating experience or relationship with this attitude, women will always respect you.
When you’re the one that has been fostered on multiple occasions, use it as an opportunity to learn if your actions may have contributed to it. Aside from being unlucky and dating commitment phobes, perhaps you were sending out the wrong signals and acting in a way that is contributing to the lack of commitment from the other person.
You Never Talk About The Future
It’s important for couples to ensure they have shared goals and that they are heading in the same direction to avoid disappointment. One person’s decision can have a huge impact on the other person, particularly if there is misalignment in views.
As a man, if you don’t show a woman that the relationship is progressing for example, by casually bringing up shared bank accounts, moving in together, getting married or having a family then there’s very little reason for a woman to take the relationship seriously. It’s even worse if she brings up the future and you shut down the conversation.
Lack of Emotional Intimacy
If you’re too busy or lazy to cultivate a strong emotional bond in the relationship, then she’s not going to stick around. Emotional intimacy means building closeness by sharing thoughts and feelings openly. For emotional intimacy to flourish, feeling safe and trusting the other person with your vulnerabilities is key.
Generally, women are more sensitive to emotions than men because of differences in hormone levels and brain chemistry. Because women are emotional creatures, you need to give them a variety of intense emotional experiences to build strong attraction.
You can build emotional intimacy by spending lots of quality time together, performing random acts of kindness and going on romantic dates. It’s also important to share deep and meaningful conversations where you express some of your vulnerabilities.
Baggage from a previous relationship
Carrying emotional baggage from a previous relationship will affect your current relationship. If you have unresolved mental scars, feelings of bitterness or ‘demons’ from a relationship with an ex, you won’t have the mental capacity to give yourself fully to someone else. It will affect the way you approach your future relationships.
Closing Thoughts
What your exes do after they break up with you should be none of your business. But you should always aim to learn a few things from each experience and look inward to find out whether you contributed in some way to the breakup.
Breaking the Foster Boyfriend cycle requires deep reflection on whether you’re choosing to date women that are incompatible with your values, beliefs and aspirations. If you keep being fostered, then you need to look at the signals you’re sending out. When a woman tells you she doesn’t want to commit then you need to believe her and move on. The biggest mistake you can make is hope she’ll change her mind.
—
This post was previously published on medium.com.
***
From The Good Men Project on Medium
 |
 |
 |
 |
***
Join The Good Men Project as a Premium Member today.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.
A $50 annual membership gives you an all access pass. You can be a part of every call, group, class and community.
A $25 annual membership gives you access to one class, one Social Interest group and our online communities.
A $12 annual membership gives you access to our Friday calls with the publisher, our online community.
Register New Account
Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
—–
Photo credit: JD Mason on Unsplash
