Are You Actually Worth Having a Relationship With?!

The more time I spend on social media the more I am reminded of how lopsided and shallow relationships have become and it does not seem to be getting any better!

“I’m looking for a man in finance
Trust fund, 6’5″, blue eyes
Finance, trust fund, 6’5″
I’m looking for a man in finance
Trust fund, 6’5″, blue eyes
Finance, trust fund”

— Song by Billen Ted, David Guetta, and Girl On Couch

It’s just a song, but its also part of the narrative I see happening in relationships and conversations I’m having with my single friends on a weekly basis.

Put another way:
I also recently heard of the 666 rule for what women are looking for: 6’ tall, 6 figure+ income, and 6 pack abs. The story went on to break it down to the percentage of the population that is male, 6’ plus, and makes 6 figures (they didn’t even factor in the abs) and by their estimate that makes up 1% of the adult male population!

When my single friends complain about not being able to find “the perfect partner” they are more than happy to give me a list of all the things they are looking for. Unfortunately when I ask what they will be bringing to this relationship the answers get a little more dodgy!

I’m going to call out a dear friend here, because I love her and because I think her list is total BS!

I have a dear friend who has been dating and looking for Mr Right since I met her, her requirements:

50ish
Wealthy / Successful enough to afford the life she wants to live
Must be very attractive/handsome
Must have sexual chemistry
Must be doing self work / growth
Must be emotionally available (have a high EQ)
Must be beyond ripped
Must be active and adventurous
Must be fun
Must be kind
Must be loving
Must be willing to have conversations about crystals and pendulums
Must be refined
Must love journey work
The list goes on

You get the idea!

When I asked her OK, what is it that you will be bringing to that mans life that is equal to everything you require, the response I got was “He gets all this”. Where’s the gag emoji on this keyboard?!

While I know that some part of her is joking, there is also the realization that the single men & women I talk to these days can go on and on about what they want and don’t want, likes and dislikes, and yet very few have taken the time to be a able to articulate what it is that they will be bringing to the relationship that makes them worthy of this unicorn they are describing.

If you are dating I’m going to assume that you are looking for a partner, and if you are looking for a partner, don’t you think it would be great to find someone that is just that, a partner, an equal, someone who matches what you put in?

Maybe we have lost sight of what it means to be a partner in a relationship? I personally don’t want a partner who thinks that her role is to just show up and look pretty! I want someone who shares in the load, someone who is working as hard as I am to build our shared vision, and someone who I can trust to pick up the load on the days when I fall down, as I would do for her.

So this week I want to leave you with something a little different, here are some journaling prompts to help you identify what it is you are looking for AND what you are willing to bring to the table for that person.

Journaling Prompts:

Beyond physical appearance and income, what are you really looking for in a partner? Shared beliefs, vision for the future, view on kids/family, how you spend your free time with them, etc.
What skills, traits, beliefs, actions will they bring in to your life that will match you and your investment? Said another way, what will they contribute that will make your life better?
What besides physical appearance, income, etc are you willing to put into the relationship?
What special skills, traits, beliefs will you be mixing in to the magic to build a partnership? Said another way, what will you contribute that will make their life better?
I want you to get completely honest with yourself: If you found a partner that met your more shallow characteristics, would you really be able to put up with them not bringing the more important pieces of the puzzle?

Now I want you to build 3 lists:

List 1) Must Haves: This will be things that if they really don’t possess this they will be wrong for you and it will not work out. Maybe this is something like religious, maybe its something like honesty & integrity.

List 2) Nice to haves: This list is where you put the things that would be awesome if they fit but also that its ok if they don’t. This might be something like “good relationship with their parents” or “makes 7 figures”

List 3) Deal Breakers: This is the list of all things that are absolute deal breakers. Dishonesty, cheating, smokers, abusive… You get the idea.

Once you have thought about the list in this manner you can easily evaluate potential partners saving time, frustration, and heartache by saying NO up front to the deal breakers, and then deciding what mixture of the others works best for you, and they can do the same when evaluating you as their equal.

I would love to hear your thoughts don’t be afraid to comment below and let me know how this lands for you. As always if you are looking for more personal approach to relationship coaching head on over to StephenBickle.com, you can sign up for my weekly newsletter, get access to special content, and setup a quick virtual meet to see if we are a good fit for some personalized coaching.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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