At its most challenging in his relationship, a guy finds himself in that “tension in the kitchen” moment with his partner.
Have you ever been there?
If so, you know how it goes. There’s been a fight the night before. Maybe you hardly remember what it was about. Or you’ve replayed it in your head multiple times, wondering what you could have done differently.
She said this. You meant that. And you were both off to the races.
She got upset. You got pissed. Trust diminished.
And then over the coffee make the next morning, you feel that horrible tension, and it’s like, Jeez, I really gotta deal with you?
You feel unsafe. Maybe you cover it up with anger. You’re pissed at her. Or you realize you’re also pissed at yourself.
Man, I lost my shit with her again last night.
And over coffee, you do everything to ensure you do not spin, rotate, and repeat the cycle. You tell yourself, Just keep your mouth shut.
Still, the tension is thick. You’re walking on eggshells.
Do you talk about what happened or not? Or do you fear talking will make it worse?
You know you failed to keep your cool. And you didn’t just lose your cool but you unintentionally threatened her. In that swirl of emotions, you lost yourself.
Maybe in the morning, you go to that place, asking yourself, Can we make this work? Is this worth it?
It’s a place of great uncertainty and fear.
And to “be a man,” you suppress your fear. You hope it will just fade away. In the moment, you just try to put your best foot forward.
And so maybe you go along for a day or two, not tackling the issue at hand, but trying to make things better – be on your best behavior, be loving, be caring.
For some of us, this pattern goes on for years. Red flags are ignored. Poor behaviors are tolerated. Mean things are said.
And not knowing it, you even subdue parts of yourself to try to make the relationship work. You stop speaking up to try to reduce conflict.
Things work ok for a while, kind of. Still, somehow you feel trapped.
And then one day, years pass, and you realize you’ve lost something. Your voice. Your will. A part of your soul. You don’t know who you are with her anymore. You lost yourself in relationship.
How did this happen?
Chances are, without knowing it, you did something many of us do without even knowing it.
You betrayed yourself. You acted against your own interests and well-being. You gave up a part of yourself to get love.
Are you betraying yourself in your relationship?
Check out this short video to find out if you are.
Identifying patterns of self-betrayal are critical. It will help get you out of fear and uncertainty in your relationship.
It will give you the strength to tackle your relationship challenges head on. And it will help you be the confident and bold man you ultimately want to be.