Are You the Unavailable Partner?

Do you keep choosing partners who are unavailable?

Do you find yourself in situations with romantic interests who keep you at a distance? Are you drawn to those who make promises they continue to break and can not seem to commit to a serious or emotionally satisfying relationship?

After a divorce from a 15 year marriage to an emotionally unavailable husband, I continued to find myself involved in relationships with unavailable partners. The pain and heartbreak from these choices seemed to be my constant companion.

Some people were unavailable physically. Some were unavailable emotionally. All of them left me longing for a better relationship. I spent years in therapy working through the issues of these difficult, one-sided relationships, hoping for the magic spell to release me from attracting such people into my life.

Some of the tools I used helped me unpack some childhood trauma and learn how to better accept unacceptable behavior. I felt stuck.

Until one day, one of my dearest friends, who had known me better than anyone, told me something I hadn’t expected to ever hear:

“Sometimes when you have hurt me or made me feel bad, I don’t share it, because I’m afraid you’re going to leave me.”

It took me awhile to digest this information from someone who had known me longer and better than any other friend in my life. To learn that she held back some of her emotions from me out of fear I would leave made me stop and think back to every partner I’ve ever had who held themselves back emotionally from me in some way.

Were they afraid I would leave them too? Was I the unavailable one?

This revelation rocked my world and made me consider the ways I show up in my own relationships:
Was I willing to do the things I expected others to?
Did I accept hard truths and could I show compassion while I expected compassion from others?
Did I follow through with what I said I would do and promised?
Did my actions cause insecurity in those I connected with?

I began to uncover what aspects of being unavailable actually meant and tried to work on those parts of my own behavior.

Here’s How to Know If You’re the Unavailable Partner:

Avoidance.

Of deep conservations, emotional depth, and relationship labels. Avoidance is the name of the game. Avoiding anything that makes you feel uncomfortable or exposed is the hallmark of an unavailable person. By refusing to participate in reliable behavior, retreating from consistent communication with your partner, ignoring deep emotions, and avoiding putting a label on your relationship are all ways someone is unavailable. This keeps the connection ambiguous, open-ended, and allows you freedom to have one foot out the door.

Commitment is a swear word in this scenario.

Perfection.

Expecting a flawed human to perform at their best at all times is a sign of desiring perfection. Perfectionists struggle to accept others when they make mistakes or do something that causes them pain. A perfectionist is often unavailable as they can not always see the reality and humanity of the person they love. They see them through a black and white lens.

Their standards of behavior are so high they rarely have ability to allow for their own mistakes.

Push/Pull.

An unavailable person’s behavior will often be hot and cold. They are sometimes so completely all-in that everything with them feels secure and wonderful. Then, they pull back or disappear for a time. Their back and forth presence leaves another person wondering always where they stand with them. Their intentions are unclear, therefore, the control of the relationship stays in the unavailable person’s power.

The other person is left anxious, always wondering if their partner will leave them at any moment.

Withholding.

Removing affection, sex, emotions, and anything involving intimacy is a form of withholding in an intimate relationship. Withholding can be a sign of an unavailable person. Sometimes the person’s feelings of engulfment from intimate connections keeps them disconnected enough that they can not show up in any of these ways. Other times there are non-commital for unexplained reasons and leave someone else feeling insecure in their connection. Withholding can cause resentment, pain, and disconnection. In many cases it leads to the demise of the relationship.

Self-protection is the ultimate goal.

Attraction to Others Who Are Unavailable.

The most reliable sign that you are an unavailable person is your attraction to those who are also unavailable. There is something about another unavailable person which feels safe, comfortable, and familiar. The dance and push/pull cycle will continue in this relationship dynamic until one or both partners realizes their unavailable characteristics and actively works on showing up in a different way.

This kind of relationship dynamic is the toxic cycle written about in books and showcased in famous movies.

“We Are Never So Vulnerable as When We Love” — Sigmund Freud

Where Does Our Unavailability Come From?

The root of unavailability lies in avoiding vulnerability. Being vulnerable with anyone is terrifying for anyone whose vulnerability may have once been used against them. For many of us, this can find it’s roots in childhood trauma, a lack of self-esteem, and any other number of factors. The basis lies in fear of intimacy or rejection. By remaining somewhat unavailable a person is able to avoid the deep fears of engulfment that can lead to the worst pain of rejection. Love is indeed a huge risk.

What Do We Do About It?

No one wants to be hurt or rejected. And all of us want to be loved. So how do these two deep fears and desires co-exist? By, accepting vulnerability through learning to be present and available for our own selves.

Get Real About Your Shit
Stop holding others responsible for your actions. Get honest about the choices you’re making and how they affect others. Look yourself in the mirror and accept that you make mistakes that sometimes hurt other people. Stop blaming someone else and be real about your shit.
Deal With Your Trauma
We all have trauma. Stop blaming your trauma for a reason to make shitty choices. Face it, figure out how to deal with it, and try to find ways to heal and work through it. Trauma work is an everyday practice. Have compassion for the parts of yourself that were hurt and traumatized and stop expecting other people to take the brunt of that pain. Ask for forgiveness when you mess up and have compassion for others who are trying to do better, too. Join a support group, find a therapist, learn tools for managing your emotions and responses. The people you love will thank you.
Connect With Yourself
Learn how to find and embrace the parts of yourself you have been unavailable for or unwilling to accept. Unavailability and a lack of presence with others stems from a lack of love and acceptance for your own self. Listen to yourself, discover how you truly feel and what you desire. Connect with the parts of yourself you have shut down to survive. You are worthy of being loved. Right now.

“To share your weakness is to make yourself vulnerable; to make yourself vulnerable is to show your strength.” — Crissi Jami

Vulnerability is scary for it leaves you open to risk of rejection. Love is worth it, though.

What ways are you willing to show up for yourself so you may have deeper, more meaningful relationships?

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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