Are You Using Sex as a Band-Aid?

I don’t have anything against band-aids.

They are perfectly useful in a variety of situations. When we get a paper cut, or a scratch, or a sore cuticle, a band-aid will do the trick.

But what is a band-aid actually used for?

To cover up a wound and protect it from getting infected?

Possibly.

To keep it hidden until it eventually heals on its own?

Sounds about right.

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Now, what if we took the same approach to our relationships?

Try to hide the hurt, cover it up, and hope that it magically goes away?

This is the easier, less uncomfortable route to take.

In romantic relationships (especially) the quickest and most effective way is to distract ourselves with the all-consuming experience of physical intimacy.

Sex can successfully distract us from whatever else is going out outside of that moment. It can take over our minds and keep us focused on the sensations of our bodies. Sex can help us cover up the hurt that we feel deep inside our souls.

But is that what we should be doing?

Sex is not meant to act as a cover-up for deeper issues that we’re too afraid to face or lie to ourselves about.

Sex is not meant to be a band-aid.

In relationships, I’ve witnessed couples use the physical as a way to distract from the deeper challenges that their relationship is facing.

It’s true — physical bonding is a powerful element of any relationship.

But when the level of emotional, intellectual, or spiritual bonding is lacking in some capacity, no amount of physicality will be able to make up for it.

Attempting to use sex as a band-aid for deeper relationship problems will likely result in one of two things:

Prolong the inevitable breakup due to real incompatibilities, and/or make the breakup that much more painful.
Prevent the couple from acknowledging the deeper issues in their relationship (also preventing them from arriving at a solution).

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Sex won’t ever fix an unhealthy relationship.

It won’t make someone who doesn’t truly love you change their mind.

It won’t keep someone interested or keep them from cheating.

It won’t magically change a bad relationship into a good one.

When other elements of the relationship are disharmonious, sex is never experienced at its fullest.

At its best, sex is the most intimate way that our bodies can join together as one. It is meant to be unifying — mind, body, heart, and soul—with a person that we want to be united with.

Sex can be one of the most profound and deepest expressions of love.

But it isn’t always.

It can also be abuse, an act to display power or dominance, or the objectification of another person’s body.

It can become so ugly and distorted that it damages people spiritually, emotionally, and psychologically in ways that other acts do not.

When we remove sex from its intended context, we cheapen and distort it.

It is not meant to be used as a distraction from the problems you are facing, or an attempt to cover up the hurt that lies underneath.

If you are going through rough waters in your relationship, you are far better off addressing those problems head-on, rather than leaning on physical gratification to keep the relationship going.

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Final thoughts

Is sex a band-aid in your relationship? Here are some questions to ask yourself to determine if that is the case.

Do I (or my partner) leave intimate moments feeling used, angry, or neglected?
Do I (or my partner) initiate intimacy as a way to avoid having difficult conversations?
If sex was off the table (for a period of time), would I still stay in the relationship? Would my partner?
What do my partner and I have in common outside of the bedroom?
After intimacy, do I feel closer to my partner, or more distant?

Intimacy can be a beautiful part of a reunion or a resolution to a conflict. But if it is used as a way to avoid dealing with the conflict, or distracts from the resolution, it is just a band-aid.

Depending on how deep the conflict is, a band-aid will do nothing but cover it up while allowing it to fester underneath.

My advice — face your conflict head on and work towards a solution before the physical reunion.

Your relationship will be much smoother.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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