Are You Worth It In Love?

We love asking one big question in relationships: Is he/she worth it? It is empowering and feels kind of smart; but it is also the easier question. The more uncomfortable and just as important question, however, is this: Am I worth it?

“Immature love says: ‘I love you because I need you.’ Mature love says ‘I need you because I love you.’” — Erich Fromm

Why do we keep asking the first question?

We do because it is natural to scan our partners for flaws (what they do, don’t do, or are lacking, etc.) This then leads to another problem, because relationships aren’t supposed to be scoreboards, and constantly tallying up points distracts us from the real work: becoming someone worth loving in the first place.

It may be seductive to ask if your partner measures up, but it is terrifying to ask if you do. Doing that involves confronting our own personal shortcomings and taking responsibility for change.

You add that to our natural human tendency to rely on defence mechanisms to protect our fragile self-esteem, and you can see why people prefer to just focus the spotlight on the other person.

What makes you worth it

First, being worth it is not about how much money you make or how good you look while faking romance online; it is basically about three things:

You need to be someone who is consistent, meaning you are there when it is hard, inconvenient, and even boring.
You don’t just demand respect, you show respect, giving it daily in all the ways that matter.
Finally, you need to be someone who lightens the load for your partner, not adds more dead weight. That is, bring peace, not pressure.

When you really think about it, love without these things will definitely feel like a burden and not a blessing.

“Love—the feeling—is a fruit of love, the verb.” — Stephen R. Covey

The year 7 reality check

Worthiness in the early stages is easy because you are on your best behavior, the adrenaline is high, and you are still “faking” your way through perfect partner auditions. Come year seven, and many truths begin to show: the passion has somewhat faded, our looks have changed, we have taken at least a few of life’s punches, etc.

At this point, worthiness is all about your character and the habits you have built along the way, how you handle stress, and whether you are still pulling together or pulling apart.

Holding up the mirror to yourself

Forget asking if your partner makes you proud for a moment, and instead ask:

Would you want to be with you?

If the answer is a shaky maybe, then the work isn’t about whether they are worth it. It is about you becoming someone who is. So, the real big question isn’t always if he/she is worth it. First, it is whether you are.

“Asking if your partner is worth it is easy; it costs nothing. Asking if you are worth it, however, could demand accountability and change, and that is why most people step back.”

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This post was previously published on medium.com.