Are Your Relationship Patterns a Tactic?

Standards, we keep hearing that some people have too high standards. Is that true? Yes, there are those with a fear of commitment but try to mask it with “high standards”. But having standards is always a good thing. But how can you know the difference?

Relationships are going to bring up all the patterns we adopted from childhood. Whether we like it or not. Our patterns start with observing our parents and thus get programmed.

When I was younger I had a belief that love was enough to sustain a connection. And sure, it might sustain the connection for a while, but connection and commitment are different.

I also had a belief that if I did commit to someone, I would lose myself and get possessed by the other persons wants, needs and perceptions. As you can see beliefs about love can be a confusing mess.

It took me a few heartbreaks to realise that I self-sabotage and, blame the other person for not expressing themselves properly. Then I remember that I am very much the same. Every time I date someone I end up liking, it follows the same pattern… it goes backwards. it starts great and then gets more distancing up until the point where it unplugs without a word. Every time it happens I get mad, furious, then sad and confused. Why oh why do I always get hurt?!

I could feel the universe laughing at me. Playing the victim in the situation made me feel like I didn’t have to do the hard work. In the end, I chose to face the hard truth I was trying to avoid, I did a good job at dodging it though. I understood that I was hiding. Being vulnerable was something my subconscious had deemed a weakness.

I knew on some level that it was total BS. I believed in vulnerability. I craved it so much, but deep down I was terrified. Terrified of being engulfed. To sum it up, I understood that my standards were not an act of self-evaluation and respect, but an avoidant strategy to not get too close.

The lesson for me was that understanding my tactics were a way to cope. And with this newfound realisation, I also concluded that whatever I was doing to avoid intimacy, was in actuality not at all keeping me safe but causing me enormous stress and anxiety. I feel hurt every time. The only way to let love in is to let yourself be seen. The right person will be thankful and appreciate they don’t have to guess their way to my heart.

The wrong people? If I express myself they won’t stay much longer anyway. Standards are now something I can consciously choose for myself.

So if you find yourself in this sort of pattern, instead of replaying the same old story. Stop and reconsider how YOU might do things differently instead.

Getting close to someone can be very scary for some of us due to past experiences. But being held at arms-length by someone you care about is much scarier. It’s when we come to this understanding we can start choosing differently.

We got this.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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