While the expectations for marriage and partnership have never been higher, and the challenges have never been greater, it isn’t a coin toss. It’s not a chance. It’s a choice.
Every great love story is a never-ending conversation. From the first tentative questions we ask as we get to know one another, to the nail-biting discussions of trust and commitment, to the most profound heart-to-heart explorations of our love, our pain, and our dreams, it’s the quality of our questions and our answers that allow us to continue learning and growing with one another through the years.
The book, based on extensive research, lists areas in a couple’s life that cause the most struggle. And a guide on how to have conversations about these eight areas to have your best chance at creating your own happily ever after.
I will list down the areas and a brief explanation of what they mean. To know more about the questions to ask, you may read the book.
1. TRUST AND COMMITMENT
This is not just about being loyal. It means that you know you can count on your partner for holding back your hair when you are throwing up in the toilet after drinking. Sounds a little too much? Well, that’s exactly what a marriage is. This involves being there for each other and making each other a priority. Remember your wedding vows? Time to put them into action.
Apart from remaining faithful sexually and emotionally, it also means accepting your partner exactly as they are, despite their flaws. It means never threatening to leave, even if at times you might want to. And caring about their pain as much as you would care about your own.
Choosing your partner over and over again is commitment. And that choice builds trust.
2. CONFLICT
Conflict is inevitable in any relationship. If you believe that the best relationships do not have conflict, you are setting yourself up for disappointment. When you get married to someone, not only do you two come together but your different habits, personalities, belief systems, and quirks also come together.
This becomes a reason for divorce not because you fight a lot, but because you fail to address the purpose of conflict, which is mutual understanding. Relationship conflict is an opportunity to get to know your partner better and to develop deeper intimacy as you talk about and work through your disagreements.
Approach your differences with curiosity rather than correctness. Have a genuine desire to understand the stories that are underneath the issues.
3. SEX AND INTIMACY
Romantic, intimate rituals for connection keep a relationship happy and passionate. Couples who can talk openly about sex have more sex, and women have more orgasms. Talking about sex is difficult for the majority of couples, but it gets easier and more comfortable over time the more you do it. The best time to talk about sex is not when you are making love, but outside the bedroom. Sex review! Tell your partner what you like and what feels good, not what they’re doing wrong.
4. WORK AND MONEY
Money is one of the top five issues that cause conflict in couples. Stereotyping one half of a couple as the Saver and the other as the Spender isn’t helpful. Each of you has a family history and values that were instilled in you. Your work is to understand each other, not to define each other or to have the same values.
Work is the other big commitment in your life, besides your marriage and family. Work and the pursuit of money can be the “third party” in a relationship — demanding your time and energy. Balancing your relationship and your work is fundamental to the success of your relationship.
Money issues aren’t about dollars and cents; they are about what money means to each partner in a relationship. Couples report that sharing household tasks is the most important element of a successful marriage, after fidelity and good sex life. If one of you is under enormous pressure and stress from work, and working long hours, this can create loneliness and a lack of emotional connection in the relationship. It pulls people apart. Discovering what money means to both of you will go a long way in resolving the conflicts you may have around money. Cultivate gratitude for what you have, and the contribution each of you makes to the relationship.
5. FAMILY
The definition of family is diverse and can include children, adopted children, foster children, no children, pets, friends, or extended family. The decision to have children or not can be a deal breaker. Be very honest and open about your wishes to having children and how many you envision.
Don’t enter into a marriage thinking you can convince your spouse to have children or not have children later on. The average cost to raise a child born in 2015 is $233,610. This doesn’t include college. Your primary relationship is your relationship with each other. Approximately two-thirds of couples have a sharp drop in marital satisfaction shortly after a child is born, and this drop gets deeper with each subsequent child. To avoid this drop in marital happiness, fathers need to be involved in the pregnancy, the birth and caring for the baby, and conflict needs to be low and you need to maintain your sexual relationship.
6. FUN & ADVENTURE
Play and adventure are vital components of a successful and joyful relationship.
It’s okay if you and your partner have different ideas about what constitutes play and adventure. The key is for you to respect each other’s sense of adventure and what it means to that partner. If you can’t remember the last time you felt excited and curious with your partner, or had the feeling something exciting was about to happen, you are suffering from a lack of play and adventure.
Make playing together a priority, and bring a spirit of play to anything you do together. Playing together creates trust, intimacy, and deep connection. Couples who play together, stay together.
7. GROWTH & SPIRITUALITY
The only constant in a relationship is change. The key is how each person in the relationship accommodates the growth of the other partner. Amazing things happen in relationships when a couple can change and grow and accommodate the growth of the other person.
Relationships can be more than just two individuals coming together — they can be stories of transformation and great contribution and meaning to the world. When you create meaning out of the struggles you face together, you stay together.
Research shows that if a couple holds their relationship as sacred, then they have a better relationship. When individuals grow, relationships grow. When individuals transform, relationships transform. Creating shared meaning and rituals of connection is a way to make a spiritual practice in your relationship.
8. DREAMS
An ideal relationship helps both partners grow.
Honoring each other’s dreams is the secret ingredient to creating a love for a lifetime. Your relationship is one dream you have for your life, but each of you has other dreams that are important to you as an individual. You can make all of each other’s dreams come true, but that rarely happens at the same time. Sacrifices may need to be made. Honoring your partner’s dreams is a potent way to show your love for them. When dreams are honored, everything else in the relationship gets easier.
Everyone has a life dream or life purpose. Nobody should sacrifice that dream or purpose for the relationship. You can’t honor each other’s dreams if you don’t share them with each other.
…
Thanks for reading.
Check out my other pieces on relationships and life here: Bhanu Singhal
Follow for more similar insights.
—
This post was previously published on medium.com.
***
You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
—
Photo credit: iStockPhoto.com