Arguments Happen, Fights Don’t Have To

As I started thinking about this piece I was reminded of a memory from many years ago. My girlfriend (soon to be wife) and I were standing in the kitchen of our rental house in Houston having what felt like our first really big fight.

I remember looking across the kitchen and looking her in the eyes and realizing that she meant more to me than whatever the fight was about. It was about that time she looked directly at me and we started dying laughing.

Today I can’t even begin to tell you what the fight was about but I remember that feeling like it was yesterday. The feeling that this was my human and she meant more to me than whatever nonsense was getting in the way.

Fast forward 30 years, standing in a different kitchen, embroiled in a different argument, fighting to be seen and heard and this time not backing down. Walking out, shutting down, not speaking to each other for a day or two.

What was the difference?

Was it life? This time we had a kid, a mortgage, two more than full-time jobs, expenses, broken dreams, you name it!

Looking back I started to wonder what else happened to us? When did we harden, when did we stop seeing the problem as something to solve together and start seeing each other as the problem.

After years of work, coaching, counseling, inner work, and personal growth I want to share with you my reflections on what it takes to live with a partner for any period of time and give some strategies for handling the inevitable differences and disagreements in any relationship. These concepts hold true across romantic, friend, parent/child, and business relationships so feel free to see where all you can implement them.

Mindset Changes

These are an opportunity to challenge what you are thinking about conflict, disagreement, and fights.

If we can’t agree on everything we aren’t right for each other. — The truth is that you will be hard pressed to find any two people that can agree on everything, and to be honest if you could, one of you would be unnecessary. The first mindset change is getting to a point where you not only understand that your partner SHOULD have different thoughts, desires, beliefs as you but to get to the point where you actually understand that this is normal, necessary, and needed in order to maintain each partners identity. Mentally choosing to celebrate your differences instead of letting them be what divides you.
We are too different. — To be clear, there are major differences that make up the moral character of each partner and those big things need to align. This is about the 100 decisions we make every day that can start to seem like they are just too much. Things like one partner wants to eat healthy the other wants pizza, one partner likes a drink every night with dinner the other doesn’t, one partner wants to spend money on a fun trip the other wants to save money for the future. The key here is to find the line of what differences really are a deal killer and to then be able to find a mindset of curiosity, compassion, and support for whatever our partner is experiencing.
I need to be seen and heard. — Yes, being seen, heard, and understood is one of the best feelings in a relationship but the issue arrises when we think it is more important for us to be seen and heard than to understand our partner. If both partners can learn to focus on curiosity and wanting to hear the other, instead of fighting to be heard both partners create a safe place for each other and everybody wins. My daughter brought home a quote from her teacher, not sure where it originated: “we have two ears and one mouth because we are supposed listen twice as much as we speak”. Can you get yourself into the mindset of curiosity even when you so desperately want to shout over your partner to make your point heard?

Behavioral Changes

These are ways to check in on how you are acting when you are in conflict with your partner that will help determine if the length and intensity of the disagreement.

Fight Fair! — This is a firm rule for me in my relationship(s). No name calling, no degrading, no belittling. When my marriage was struggling this became a staple for us and I could feel the weight of how it was affecting us. The name calling, the words we would choose to try and make each other feel small in an attempt to “win” the argument. It felt bad, I felt bad, and it never made anything any better.
No Dumping / Piling on! — When we are fighting more with our partner than we want to, we often start to bring in other things and a disagreement about how to load the dishwasher (yes it happens) becomes a fight about how you didn’t put your laundry away and I didn’t fill the car like I said I would. When you are in the midst of disagreement keep yourself from straying from the one issue at the center of the argument and when your partner dumps on you, call for a pause and remind them that this is dirty and that you want to talk about this one thing.
Respond vs React. — This one is amazing at diffusing arguments and also one of the hardest things to do in the moment. The simple act of acknowledging that your own physiology, when you feel your pulse quicken, you feel the the pressure rise, and you feel like you are loosing your cool, this is your queue. Take a breath, allow yourself the time process and choose your response instead of just allowing emotions to blindly cause a reaction that will not help the situation.

At the end of the day being in a long-term relationship with anyone means that we will argue, get defensive, say the wrong thing, and hurt each other, that is a given. How you choose to show up and how you choose to repair is what will make the difference in the success of your relationship.

Remember that love is a choice, an action, and a verb, it is the conscious choice to make choices that help us grow closer or move farther apart. If you find that you need a little help you can always track me down on my website and find more resources and help there.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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