Like most people I know, I was stunned beyond belief, hearing about the murder of Rob and Michele Reiner. In the midst of a weekend in which Jews in Bondi Beach, Australia were murdered as they were gathering to celebrate Hanukkah and at Brown University, a gun man took the lives of two, the Reiners’ deaths came out of nowhere. Sadly, we have gotten accustomed to gun violence, but knife violence seemed foreign.
Then, when it was revealed that their son Nick was the alleged murderer, the shock deepened. A young adult with severe mental health challenges and all encompassing addiction that had him in multiple rehabs for treatment, Nick’s life spiraled out of control and after a contentious interaction at Conan O’Brien’s holiday party, it seems Nick took a knife and stabbed both parents. I can only imagine the last thoughts they had and the first thought Nick had after he became conscious of what he did. Their daughter Romy found them and called 911. I can only imagine her trauma of losing her parents in the prime of their lives, with her brother as the perpetrator.
There was an outpouring of grief and tribute for the Reiners…and then there were the appalling comments spewed forth by Donald Tr*mp.
On Monday, Dec. 15, the president fired off a social media post, saying Reiner’s death was “reportedly due to the anger he caused others through…Â a mind crippling disease known as TRUMP DERANGEMENT SYNDROME.”
“He was known to have driven people CRAZY by his raging obsession of President Donald J. Trump,” the president wrote in a post on Truth Social.
It’s true that Rob Reiner was not a fan of the president. He exercised his 1st amendment right of free speech to call out his words and actions that endanger the world. Nothing justified the current occupant of the Oval Office turning a tragedy into a self aggrandizing stage show.
“Donald Trump is the single most unqualified human being to ever assume the presidency of the United States,” Reiner had said. “He is mentally unfit. Not only does he not understand how government works, he has no interest in trying to find out how it works.”
Reiner addressed Tr*mp’s intention to obliterate free speech. “It’s beyond McCarthy era-esque. That feels quaint compared to what’s going on in America right now. The Hollywood community is very much aware of their First Amendment rights being infringed. So, we’re well aware of what’s happening.”
There was nothing in Reiner’s statements that was untrue and nothing that threatened or encouraged violence. When Charlie Kirk was assassinated, he was quick to offer his condolences. The attack “should never happen to anybody,” he added. “I don’t care what your political beliefs are. That’s not acceptable. That’s not a solution to solving problems.”
All in the Family was a part of my childhood as I watched with my father, questioning the dynamics between Mike Stivic and Archie Bunker. I didn’t understand why Archie was bigoted and got away with being verbally abusive. My dad explained that it was ridiculing the bigotry and not reinforcing it. Truth is, the actors Reiner and O’Connor shared Liberal views.
Stand by Me, The Princess Bride, The American President, When Harry Met Sally, A Few Good Men, Misery, The Bucket List, Sleepless in Seattle and other films he created will remain part of his legacy and will remain in my heart as well.
Michele was a producer, photographer and social justice activist. She and Rob met while he was filming When Harry Met Sally and their love story compelled him to change the ending of the movie. He had planned on having the two characters go their separate ways since he wasn’t convinced that healthy, successful loving relationships were possible after his breakup with his first wife, Penny Marshall. Michele convinced him otherwise.
Tonight, I watched a special called “CBS News: Rob Reiner – Scenes from a Life,” and held back the tears as I watched and heard tributes from Reiner’s friends and colleagues who became family of choice. To a person, each one shared the difference he had made in each of their lives and the love story Michele and Rob embodied. Kathy Bates, Annette Bening, Albert Brooks, Michael Douglas, Kiefer Sutherland, Jerry O’Connell and Mandy Patinkin were among those who waxed poetic about the man who gave some of them their start that launched them to stardom. One thing I loved hearing was how conscientious he was about the reality that his actors and crew had lives and family off stage and he wanted them to have precious time with them.
I wonder if he felt he had that work-life balance as they struggled with Nick’s illness. Multiple rehab stays, homelessness, non-compliance with medications, several therapists later, his illness was ultimately what reigned supreme. Social media commentors were critical of the Reiners, implying that they overindulged him, or that they didn’t care or didn’t try hard enough to help their ailing offspring. These armchair, keyboard warriors had clearly not walked a mile in their shoes. As a therapist, I have worked with families like theirs who gave their all to their child and sometimes love triumphed and they healed and sometimes the addiction took over. My prayer is that Nick finds healing once and for all. My prayer is that his siblings Tracy, Jake and Romy are able to recover and work their way through their shared trauma.
So much second guessing and so many’ what ifs?’. What if countless treatment programs had worked? What if the right combination of medications had been effective? What if the Reiners hadn’t brought Nick to the party, ostensibly to keep an eye on him? What if Conan O’Brien had called 911 or allowed others to call 911 (as was alleged by attendees) when Nick became volatile? At the time he was assaulting his parents, he might have otherwise been behind bars. If he had encountered his sister Romy, would he have killed her too? What has come out is that the family lived in fear of Nick’s unpredictability
Quotes from his films are now part of the lexicon. See if you can remember which they were from.
“I’ll have what she’s having.”
“As you wish.”
“You can’t handle the truth.”
“Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.”
“For the record: yes, I am a card-carrying member of the ACLU. But the more important question is, why aren’t you, Bob?”
“This is true love. You think this happens every day?”
Wherever they may be, I wish for the Reiners that they be immersed in true love.
—
This Post is republished on Medium.
—
Photo credit: Flickr
