I carefully packed our wagon with sand toys, blankets, clothes, and the remaining food before we started up the mile-long trail to our car. Not even 50 yards down the trail, the wagon hit a rock and tipped over, spilling everywhere. Irritated, I violently dragged the wagon upright and started tossing our things lying in the mud back in.
My daughter tried stepping in to help clean up the mess, but I shooed her away, snapping: “No. I got it.”
I knew I’d be faster, I wasn’t watching my tone, and before I knew it, she dug her head into my wife’s stomach, balling her eyes out.
Fuck.
After piecing our stuff back together, I looked up to a glaring wife comforting our daughter.
I took a perfectly good time and ruined it.
I called for my daughter and apologized the best I could, but I was met with the same eyes her mother gave me — the kind that cuts through your soul. She nodded her head after the apology and we made the trek back to the car.
All is good, right?
No.
You see, at the time, my daughter and I had been going toe to toe on different things for the better part of a couple of months. The reason why hadn’t hit me until a couple of weeks later when I was mindlessly scrolling on my phone and stumbled on a video about building a safe space for your kids to speak their minds.
It was one of those “ah-ha” parenting moments.
After watching the video, I called my daughter over to have one of many conversations that started to transform our relationship. I started the conversation by apologizing sincerely for not spending the time to build a space between us where she felt comfortable speaking her truth — for her to express how she was feeling towards me without repercussion — and I told her I wanted to change that part of our relationship.
I explained to her that the fabric of every great relationship is built around holding each other accountable and having honest, open, and transparent conversations. Then I asked her the question that started facilitating those changes:
“Has there been a moment recently where you were upset with me and didn’t say anything?”
…
It’s been over a year since I started asking my daughter this question and I still clearly remember the first time.
She brought up the situation on our outing where I snapped at her. Even though it had happened a couple of weeks before this conversation, I knew exactly what she was talking about.
She explained she was still upset with me and didn’t speak up because she was afraid to.
I remember being heartbroken knowing that my own child was afraid to speak up to me, but it opened a long, eye-opening conversation about how my actions affected her. Before I asked her, I had no idea I had hurt her feelings to that extent… and that was the problem.
I hadn’t made her feel comfortable expressing herself fully.
I started asking the question because I wanted to find common ground, but what I found was my own unhealed childhood trauma coming out through my child.
I shared next to nothing with my parents while I was growing up. My parents were reactive and didn’t make me feel like I could share emotions without experiencing an adverse reaction — a trait I wanted to avoid as I parented my own children.
In that initial conversation with my daughter, I realized I was repeating the same mistakes even though I was trying everything I could to not be like my parents. If I really didn’t want her to feel that pain, I found I had to change my behavior and build a space for her to feel comfortable expressing herself.
A space that valued her input.
A time for me to listen, for her to be heard, for us both to reflect, and come to an understanding.
…
Great leadership — in business or in the home — stems from the feedback you get from those you’re leading. Most parents forget their kids are a part of that.
I’ll be the first to admit that your relationship with your kids will suffer if you don’t give them the floor to speak.
Looking at the relationship with my daughter today, I hardly have to ask her the question during our check-ins because she feels confident, comfortable, and safe speaking up. She has no problem holding me accountable for my actions and I encourage it, but it takes work to build that space for your kids to do this — and it doesn’t happen overnight.
It takes addressing your own traumas, shutting your mouth when they’re talking, and carefully reflecting on your actions towards them that they’re describing.
Your view is not their view.
Many parents avoid having hard conversations with their kids because they’re afraid of what they’ll say — what will trigger them — but the reality when you avoid hard conversations with your kids is that it teaches them to suppress their feelings and neglect what’s important to them.
If you go on leading them without asking what you can do to improve, it shows you don’t value them or their opinions.
I consistently run into parents that wonder if they’re being a good enough parents when the answer is right in front of them. If you really want to know if you’re “being a good enough parent,” ask your kids.
And when you ask them, shut up and listen.
…
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: iStockPhoto.com
