Over the past few decades, people have increasingly been dating and marrying partners from beyond the area they grew up in. And this is due to increased mobility, online dating, and social media.
Globalization has also increased diversity, which has made it easier to meet and connect with people from different cultures, nationalities, and races.
It’s fair to say most couples you meet these days probably didn’t grow up together.
How all this relates to someone’s body count will become apparent soon.
For those who are coming across this term for the first time, “body count” is just a colloquial phrase referring to someone’s past sexual partners. It has nothing to do with fatalities in war or otherwise, I swear.
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During the dating or relationship stage, there is a tendency for some people to inquire about the number of past sexual partners. The reasons for this vary from person to person.
Based on firsthand experience (yes, I used to ask in my younger days) and talking to friends and acquaintances, the top reasons people ask are:
- To find out if they share the same sexual values.
- They feel insecure or threatened if their partner is more experienced.
- They believe in the notion that someone’s sexual past predicts loyalty or willingness to commit.
But the reasons don’t really matter. Short of the person being a virgin, and even then, the whole concept of virginity is problematic — the question about body counts is nonsensical because it’s unprovable.
Maybe if you were to ask someone you’ve known since childhood, someone who you share friends with, and you know their family structure and background; maybe, then you might be able to get close to the real figure. But few people are in a position to do this anymore. Couples nowadays only know each other for two to five years before getting married.
Sure, you can continue asking it if you like, but doing so would be purely for making yourself feel better because you want their body count to fit a number you perceive as desirable. It has nothing to do with values in the strictest sense.
If it were, you wouldn’t ask about the number; you would ask about their attitudes towards sex. Things like: do you believe in sex before commitment? Are you okay with casual sex? Do you equate sex with love? You know, those types of questions.
Plus, what qualifies as “too many” sexual partners is so opaque; ask any two people on the street, and you are bound to get different numbers. For some, three bodies is too much. While for others, it can be as high as one hundred. There is no objectivity to how most people pick a number; it’s all arbitrary and based on feelings.
We all know that men and women tend to lie about their past sexual history due to all the sexual judgment so prevalent in society. Women lie down so they won’t be seen as too slutty, while men lie up so they can be perceived as more masculine.
I have heard some girls treating PIV (penis-in-vagina) sex as the only type of sex that merits being categorized as a body count, with everything else relegated to the “I did not have sex” category. I have also heard men do the opposite, in that they would count something like a heavy make-out session as an addition to their overall body count. All this goes to show how asking about numbers doesn’t prove much.
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I want to close by saying this: there is nothing wrong with having a conversation about sexual history. It can be a worthwhile conversation as it helps assess if you are on the same page.
However, talking about the past is not the same as talking about numbers. You would be better off discussing about specific sexual values since people are more likely to be honest and open to having those types of conversations.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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Photo credit: Deon Black on Unsplash
