All too often, people who know what they want, fail to get it, not because their partner is unwilling, but because they ask for it in a manner that starts a fight. If you’ve been following along as I describe the road to reconciliation and dealt first with your own shortcomings, before correcting the faults of others, you can avoid a lot of these unnecessary fights; but not all. Manners still matter. The way you talk about things matters as much as the things you say.
If you want to ask for what you want and actually have a chance of getting it, there are certain rules to follow, regulations to adhere to, guidelines that increase your chance of success. I wrote about all of these in detail in an earlier book, Constructive Conflict, but let me summarize some of these regulations for you here, now.
Pay No Attention to the Alarm Going Off in Your Head
When you’re upset about something it’s like there’s this alarm going off inside your head, telling you it’s an emergency. Unfortunately, you can’t start a thoughtful, considerate, patient conversation in the middle of an emergency. Whatever way you do it, you have to calm down first.
Pick the right time and place
Don’t start a difficult conversation just anywhere or at any time. Do it in a thoughtful and considerate way so that all extraneous factors can contribute to success.
Start with the easy stuff
Don’t go into your conversation loaded for bear and begin with guns blazing. That’ll put him immediately on the defensive. Start with things that you already agree on first.
Stay relevant
Don’t expect your partner to change the past. She can’t do it. All she can do is change what she does in the future.
Know what you’re asking for
Work out what you’re asking for beforehand. Know what you want or what you get may fail to satisfy.
Learn something
If your partner has something to say, summarize it aloud before you think you understand it. You may be getting it wrong. Ask your partner to summarize any important points you have to make, so you can be sure he gets it.
Acknowledge feelings
In a similar manner, summarize any strong feelings, as well as thoughts, that your partner expresses; just to be sure you’re getting it right.
Avoid defamation, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt
These are the four fouls that never fail to start a fight.
- Defamation is a false statement that disfigures the character of your partner. It occurs when you take normal complaints and turn them into pronouncements about your partner’s personality.
- To spot defensiveness, listen for when you are more concerned with blame than solutions.
- Stonewalling is otherwise known as the silent treatment.
- You’re showing contempt when you engage in eye rolling, sneering, sarcasm, or an exasperated sigh. And then there’s name calling, mockery, scorn, and the pulling out of all the dirty laundry. Contempt is implicit in domestic violence, back stabbing, betrayal, and alienating him from his children.
Don’t be evil
If you are trying to ask for what you want, ask for what you want; don’t use the occasion to inflict punishment or retribution.
Repair injuries
You probably can tell the split second when things start to go south in a conversation with your partner, when you say the wrong thing, or she takes it the wrong way. When that happens, don’t keep hammering away at the point you were trying to make. Stop, repair the injury, and get back on track.
Detect dreams
If you find yourself grid locked, step back and be a dream detector. Behind every seemingly inflexible position, is a dream or a value that you and your partner find essential. Acknowledging and respecting these deepest, most personal hopes and dreams is the key to getting past the impasse.
Compromise
You don’t have to have everything done your way, even when you’re right.
Follow these rules and you will be more likely to get what you’re asking for, and not trouble.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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