It is always fascinating that some of the people who ask me the most interesting questions about polyamory hold marital vows in high esteem.
These vows are often understood to be the guide and foundation for a life-long relationship. These agreements have been publicly acknowledged in the presence of witnesses and perhaps as a part of religious tradition as the principles that are the basis of the relationship going forward.
The traditional vows have words like love, honor, respect, and even obey. There is often no definition of what these terms mean to the couple or even a publicly acknowledged agreement that the parties involved know what these promises look like when they are lived out. This makes it more likely that these are promises of intention rather than a commitment to actions.
Pre-marital counseling can help create a shared understanding, but the challenge is many couples think that figuring some things out at the beginning of the marriage means they are figured out for all time. That is simply not the case. People grow and change.
Even in my own decades-long marriage, my soon-to-be ex and I have very different definitions of what love and respect should look like in the context of a committed relationship. We had weeks of counseling before we were married and though that was great when we were in our twenties, a whole lot of life has happened since then. The impact of those changes on our marriage has been left unexamined.
It is no wonder that more than half of all marriages fail. Yet the model of a public commitment in a wedding is still seen as the holy grail of relationship status and viewed as the most secure relationship model.
The Status Quo
Pick up any magazine, scroll through Medium’s relationship articles, or eavesdrop on a conversation in a restaurant. You will find that a lot of people are seeking relationships that are secure. We all want people in our world that we can count on to show up and share life with us.
There are plenty of different models out there to choose from these days beyond the relationship escalator and traditional marriage. But the basic human drive is to have safe, secure connections with others as a part of our daily lives.
The challenge with the way many people live out a traditional marriage is that once that commitment is given, life moves on in a lot of directions that don’t include growing with your partner. Keeping up with the day-to-day stuff is busy and hectic, especially when you add kids, careers, aging parents, and all the things that keep us running hard.
It often is just simpler to take a spouse for granted so attention can be spent on all these other noisy things. This neglect is where the cracks in the relationship often deepen into canyons that go unnoticed until they are completely beyond repair.
Attraction Happens
“I met this person. They are amazing. I sense some attraction and curiosity…maybe even a sexy spark between us. What should I do?”
This is where most people who practice monogamy and polyamory go down decidedly separate pathways. How we understand and view relationships, commitment, connections, and the human experience go in wildly different directions.
In my experience with monogamy, this situation is met with confusion by the person who experiences it. If they want to be faithful to their partner, they may shut down this new connection in fear that it could lead somewhere unsavory. They may avoid the other person completely and run away from any further contact.
They are also as likely to play around the edges of the spark. Flirty conversations and stolen glances can’t be all bad, right? I mean it is not really cheating and it feels good to be desired and seen as attractive.
Another option on the table is to engage in an affair. It may be emotional or physical. It may be a one-time thing or it may last months or years. It may even be more intoxicating because of the clandestine nature of making sure their spouse doesn’t discover the shenanigans.
In any case, the ending is always the same no matter the chosen path. Dishonesty is at the core of all of it almost always. There are bound to be the exceptional couple who talks about things like this, but I have never encountered one and neither has anyone I know.
Talking about the desire and attraction to another person with your current partner is not an easy conversation. It brings up all kinds of questions that are often key pieces to how we understand relationships from the lens of monogamy.
“Was I not enough?”
“Why does she want him instead of me?”
“Is she prettier/thinner than me?”
“My spouse must not love me anymore.”
“How have I failed in this relationship?”
Part of the monogamy narrative frequently shared is that a satisfied happy person won’t stray. So if a partner is out shopping around, it is clearly a problem in the relationship.
But what if we are in fact, happy in the relationship overall, but still found this other person attractive? To bring it up to a partner is likely to create a problem that isn’t there. And if the relationship has struggles already, this kind of conversation is like gasoline thrown on a fire.
Silence is the best answer. Pretending it never happened no matter where it leads and lying until it can no longer be denied is how it most often plays out.
Polyamory Offers Another Option
My dearest and I are in a committed relationship that is also open. We are both free to explore or pursue other relationships and attractions if we choose to do so. We share agreements that define our boundaries as a couple and as individuals.
We love each other deeply, but also recognize that love and connection are a choice we are each freely making. We choose to share our life together and have built our relationship on a foundation of honesty and trust.
The only thing that will be an immediate end to our relationship is a lie. Not even small “white lies” have a place between us. It takes a lot of courage to tell the truth, but it has created trust between us, unlike anything either of us has known.
We know that attraction is just a part of the human experience and should not be the source of shame or cause to be dishonest with a partner. In fact, exploring what your partner finds inviting or attractive in someone else can be an eye-opening conversation.
Maybe they are kinky and your sex life isn’t meeting their needs. Would you want to know that so you can either make adjustments or at least know who they really are?
Maybe they have an interest or hobby that you don’t enjoy and their new friend does. Wouldn’t you want to understand how important that part of their world is to them?
Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who would like to explore something with someone else without your knowledge?
It feels good to be desired by someone, even if you never act on it. We can enjoy flirting and playfully engaging with someone without needing to feel guilty about the interaction or hide it from someone we love.
For a few months, the highlight of my grocery store trip was this rather handsome guy that seemed to always be there when I was. He was flirty and fun, but never inappropriate or crass in our weekly exchanges. I never knew his name or gave him mine. My dearest always enjoyed my tales from those encounters. He knew I wasn’t going to pursue anything as well as I did. But there was no shame or guilt from these playful encounters.
But what if something had surfaced? What if I had taken more of a liking to this guy and accepted his flirty invitation to grab a drink?
It would have been fine. I would have just let my dearest know what was up and we would have seen if anything developed. It is not a matter of permission ever when it comes to our choices to be involved with other people. We both fully accept that we are free to move in this life as we wish.
We both have the opportunity to pursue an interest with someone else if that’s what is desired. The real challenge becomes a matter of time and resources. Love may be limitless but we are keenly aware of the very real limits of time.
If either of us decides to pursue another relationship, it will definitely impact the time and resources available to share between us. Then we each will need to re-evaluate how and if our connection is what we desire in the new situation and if our agreements are still meeting our needs.
It really is that simple.
Attraction is always possible. It is how we connect with the lovely humans we encounter in our journey. The real question is whether or not we value honesty in our relationships enough to talk about things that make us uncomfortable. Or would we rather pretend attractions are not there for as long as we can deny it without getting caught?
It’s an easy choice for me. I choose honesty every single time.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Afif Kusuma on Unsplash
Sorry, but not sorry. I’m going to have to disagree with this article. You can have honesty in a committed relationship. What is the point of being together, if you’re just going to see other people or be attracted to others and do your little fling. You can be attracted to other people, we are all humans, but if you truly love the other person you would not act on those emotions that are fleeting. You’re just giving in to your immediate desires and not looking at the long-term with your partner. It’s basically like your boyfriend and girlfriend, then… Read more »