Attractiveness, Compatibility, Money, or Love

Can Love emerge from chaos?

Have you ever been so turned on by someone you literally forget to breathe?

Is there someone you find so physically attractive that simply thinking of them raises your spirits and makes you feel good?

Do you have to be turned on physically…..first….before anything further can be explored? Or…is attractiveness an emerging phenomenon, arising as a result of getting to know someone’s personality, morality, politics, and future plans.

Do you care whether your mate is financially stable… poor…or rich?

Perhaps loyalty is a significant consideration…does a potential mate come from a family whose faith or religious principles make divorce profoundly unlikely? Or do they approach marriage with nonchalance or ambivalence?

Are you someone who believes love itself will conquer any differences in religious views, family planning, or financial considerations?

Let’s dive in…

Sex and love are kissing cousins

Meeting someone new. Establishing physical attraction. For many, laughing, drinking, dancing, kissing, and having sexual intercourse is the definition of “love.”

Nothing feels as exciting as a mutually explored attraction —except consecutive, never-ending, endlessly new, mutually explored attractions with different partners…for some.

So….if we agree sex is a powerful, explosive, hugely enjoyable human activity, why do we pretend we only want to have it with one person? No honest person would claim they don’t get excited when meeting new people they find physically attractive.

Sex is so powerful, mysterious, unpredictable, and rewarding, that our brains desperately want to keep the unbridled passion going…..forever. And what better way to try and “lock love in,” than making all kinds of verbal promises and commitments that seem rational at the time but end up forcing people to either go back on their word, sneak around, or get divorced and rinse and repeat the whole process over again.

That is what makes those who choose to remain monogamous and loyal so uniquely disciplined, principled, and rare. They process temptation by continually putting the partnership (marriage) above all else.

So…what matters the most?

For most, sex matters the most. At least initially.

Those who smoothly and seamlessly transition from the honeymoon into the more settled, “comfortable blanket,” stage of a relationship or marriage, know they are making a conscious trade-off — mind-blowing physical satisfaction for the comfort and security of someone who, at least in theory, will be there for you through thick and thin, youth and old age, till death do one of you part.

1. Initially, attractiveness matters the most in terms of igniting that mysterious spark with all the associated butterflies, mind games, and pounding pulses.
2. Compatibility trumps money (but not always) because getting along means accepting differences in financial status, religious and political beliefs, and “rolling with the punches” of life…together. We all know couples who remain compatible and therefore never break up or divorce because they’re just so darn reasonable and continue to enjoy being together, regardless of life’s ups and downs.
3. Money matters. A lot. That is not to say a rich man or woman can’t marry a poor person and both be perfectly happy. In my experience, the person with the money holds more power in the relationship or marriage. That is, they both know, that decisions surrounding money will largely be made by the person possessing it. Up through about 30 years ago, it was typically the man who had money but with women successfully populating major universities and climbing career ladders, gender no longer matters as much. Also, when folks routinely married in their late teens and early twenties, most were too young to have made any real money. Of course, their parent’s wealth mattered, but most couples started out similarly poor and grew their wealth together over decades. With couples now waiting until their late twenties or early thirties (or older) to get married (or commit) it’s becoming more typical for one person to have more wealth than the other. And this is changing the power dynamic of many modern relationships.

Summary

We get too caught up on words and labels. Love is like consciousness, it’s a hard problem to solve.

As I enter my late fifties, I realize, in addition to my family, I still love a lot of people in my life. While all three of my prior “loves” are with others, I will always love them, for once loving me. And because they are genuinely wonderful and decent women. I was very, very lucky.

Telling someone you love them, and will never leave them, and can’t live without them, is a beautiful thing to say…but is largely meaningless. Only time will tell if your sweet words mean anything…or were just uttered in a moment of serotonin-soaked euphoria.

We never really know who loves us in that deep, everlasting way we crave….particularly as we age.

We can only control our own definition of love and manifest those feelings with heartfelt actions. If you pour enough love into the world, it tends to come back. But there are no guarantees.

The graveyards are full of people with broken hearts.

Love is what makes you feel good. Love is mutual attraction. Love is compatibility. Love is having the money to enjoy the adventures life offers.

But most of all love is yours alone. You own it. Nobody can take it from you. You can love whoever you want for as long as you want. You can shout it from the rooftops…or keep it to yourself.

I am a single man who has experienced true love three times in my life and am eternally grateful to each of them for loving me so deeply.

I am pretty darn sure I will love deeply again, but if for some reason I don’t, I will leave you with one of my favorite quotes of all time:

’Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

Alfred Lord Tennyson

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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.

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From The Good Men Project on Medium

What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean?

My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence

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