Damien Bohler is taking a break from sex in order to pursue other things that make him happy. Does that make him less of a man?
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“Can I talk to you for a minute?” she said.
We had seen each other a few times over the past couple of weeks and now I had travelled to visit her within the communal, musically oriented living space she currently resided.
“Sure” I replied as I followed her down to her room.
There, sitting on her bed she proceeded to tell me that she was not feeling sexually attracted towards me.
“…And I really want to be” she added “you are really hot and switched on, I like hanging out with you and I learn a lot from being with you. You seem like the kind of guy, that if I asked, could shove me up against the headboard and ravish me hard if I asked or whatever, and I thought you would come here and we would get to play and experiment… but I’m just not feeling anything.”
As I got curious about her world, she shared anxiety and fear that I may be disappointed in her, that I may have been expecting sex and I’d be annoyed that she didn’t want to.
I asked her if she would like to hear what was going on for me. She nodded, eyes slightly nervous. I honoured her vulnerability in sharing this with me and then, with a smile, I said “I imagine it would be difficult to feel sexually attracted towards someone who just isn’t feeling all that sexual.”
And it was true. In that moment, and for a while now, I just haven’t felt that interested in sex. Other things were more important, things such as getting into deep alignment with my health, focusing on my writing and movement, questioning the next steps for my life, rock climbing and most importantly the process of discovering what it is I truly want. Stepping fully into my life and becoming really clear on how to live it in the way that is most inspiring to me has become much more significant than chasing sex and dealing with the complications that often unfold with that seemingly innocent and natural act of penetration. It seems to me that having my external life reflecting my inner dreams will naturally lead into the juicy kind of connections I most desire.
♦◊♦
It is a weird experience as a man to just not be that interested in sex, or at least be valuing other things as more important.
My culture, many of the men around me, and the media have told me again and again that sex is my primary motivating factor in this life and I grew up for a long time believing it. Finally I’m discovering that is bullshit.
I am not just a disassociated penis searching for the next hole to stick in to, as some aspects of Western culture tries to say about me as a man. Everything I do isn’t aimed at how I can increase my chances at getting laid.
I have vulnerabilities, tenderness and desires for connection. I also have goals, plans and dreams and putting these first feels masculine to the nth degree! Honouring these parts of myself feels so nourishing and rewarding that it far outweighs the simple pleasure of finding my next lay.
There is something contracted in my sexuality and rather continue to numb that by pushing into experiences I don’t really want I would much rather take the time to completely nurture a deep wildness I feel stirring in my loins.
I believe in the healing, connective and spiritual possibilities within the union of sex and I want that for myself and anyone I choose to be with.
I have decided to take sex off the table for a while, at least until next year.
“Big deal!” Some of you may cry as you say you have gone much longer than a couple of months without sex, and the truth is so have I, plenty of times. The distinction is in the choice, to say and hold to a “no”, not because circumstances have given me some kind of ‘dry spell’. And at the same continuing to cultivate connection with radiant, open-hearted, open-minded women.
The question, for me, becomes… how do I explore intimacy, sensuality and touch without sex? I’m interested to hear from Shana on this one.
Damien,
I feel like crying and jumping for joy at the same time as you find your truth and dissolve layers of expectation and cultural conditioning that had seemed like “reality.”
Men come to me with so much shame about the number of women they’ve slept with, their penis size, how long sex lasts… Most men don’t have energy left for inquiry or communication about how powerful sex could be. It’s often an unquestioned frontier. Sure sex feels good, relieves tension and can bring you closer to another person, but not many ask, “What is sex really about for me?” “What do I want out of this?”
Your shift reveals the ability to disconnect your manhood from the stats of how many women you have sex with. It reveals the healing, connective and spiritual potential of sex, and the freedom to make choices aligned with your unique truth and desires. As a woman who has longed for men who see sex as spiritual, are emotionally available, and can also ravish me, I am grateful you are stepping into this next phase.
Congratulations on not getting caught in the shame that could have you think that sharing your truth makes you look foolish, or be abandoned. In reality we usually get to be closer when we share vulnerable parts of ourselves (with someone who respects and cares for us). It’s the only way to create intimacy.
To answer your question about exploring intimacy, sensuality and touch without sex: You can create fun, deeply nourishing and incredibly pleasurable experiences without “having sex.”
When you let go of being goal oriented you can evoke more pleasure touching fingers, breathing together, or even looking into each others eyes, than many people feel during sex. Seriously! Choosing a limitation (such as not having sex) inspires creativity and play. Find out more about that here: http://dirtytalkshow.com/)
To start, ask yourself: Beyond my usual way of being sexual, what do I want to explore in sensuality, touch and intimacy ? What would be fun or nourishing for me? What do I crave?
You might crave massage, hugs, cuddling, or even a specific kind of attention, listening, or a way of being seen. It might be fun for you to read stories to each other, to use your voices and sing, to lay in water together and feel what awakens in your bodies. You might play with your sense of taste through cooking, or explore intimacy through gaining perspective about humanness through looking at the stars and planets.
As a human being you are a sensual being, so everything has the potential to be full of vitality, connection and spark. Let yourself be surprised by what you find you want. Then share your desires and ask others what they want. You’ll be able to-create fun, inspiring and deeply healing experiences.
I can’t wait to hear how it goes!
Shana
Read the rest of the Authentic Man Experiment series.
Photo: Flickr/Jesse Newland
I have to say that I was impressed with the article. Now keep in mind that I’m old fashion in that I’m a proponent for abstinence before marriage so I’m not too keen on the number of notches on the bed post. Nonetheless I was impressed with how this guy, and others that spoke up in that they did similar, that he’s identifying and feeding other deeper facets of life that relate to his being a man. I would go far as to also say that this could easily apply to married couples as well. For me, after marriage, “making… Read more »
Thanks Tom!
Absolutely I am coming to see that it is our intention when having sex that makes all the difference.
Are we intending to connect, which leads to beautiful and really amazing experiences, or are we just satisfying some biological urge?
Taking time off gives us the distance to make this discernment. Then we can choose the sex that leads to more connection and not be ruled by some primitive urge to ejaculate.
As usual, its always the men who have enjoyed tons of sex in their lifetime who feel the need to “take a break” from sex. Are we really to feel sorry for these guys? NO!!!
The vast majority of single AND married men still crave sex.
Hence, only the few privileged men have the luxury of taking time off. I really feel oh so sorry for these guys (with much sarcasm of course).
With or without the sarcasm, Jules, you demonstrate shallowness in your comments. Instead of passive-aggressively or intentionally cutting away at the other posters, maybe you should consider seeking some help for your anger about your own circumstances. I was “involuntarily celibate” for four years until a few months ago, and have found that there is something to be gained actively from choosing to enter into a relationship with celibacy intact. Which I will do in my next relationship because my last one just ended yesterday. There was no “luxury” or “privilege” in our sexual relationship, instead, that was part of… Read more »
Personally I wasn’t asking anyone to feel sorry for me in any way. This is not a whinge piece, this is a public documentation of my personal exploration in the hopes it may provide some insight for someone out there. This was a completely voluntary choice and arose from a lot of discomfort and dissatisfaction in my sexuality. I would rather be celibate than continue to engage sex the way I was. By taking the time to look more deeply at my inner workings I have been discovering refined levels of discernment that has led to me having experiences that… Read more »
@Damien, “What kind of woman wants this?” Perhaps the same ones that engage in NSA casual sex? Or the ones that do not have a problem with ‘hook ups’……? What I have discovered with many women is they do not mind being treated this way, so long as it is with the ‘right’ guy. If he is hot, good looking, and an alpha type male, a lot of women cannot seem to get enough! “As if a sexless life is somehow forced upon us… ” In many cases it is Damien. I was in a sexless marriage for over a… Read more »
How do you know how all women mind to be treated or not? I can tell you very much that there are a lot of women out there that don’t enjoy being used for casual sex. But sometimes, just like men, women let their sexual desires best them and have sex with men they would have been better off not to. You have no idea how many women deal with confusion, mixed emotions, regret and a bunch of other feelings when it comes to relationships, how men treat them, sex and how they even treat themselves. It is not even… Read more »
I feel sad reading about your sexless marriage. I also feel angry as I interpret your words as blaming your ex-wife for not giving you what you believe she owed you. There are religions out there where the wife is forced to submit to the man whenever he pleases. What you are saying sounds like this is the way you believe things should be? I don’t think there is anything I could write to you, Jules, that would help you see your way out of your own anger and hurt. I do hope that you find it within yourself to… Read more »
@Damien, “……just acting like a whiny victim!!!” I am not a fucking victim. The victimization card belongs is for cry babies and people on the Left. Yes, there is anger within me. What man would not be angry over having been robbed of over 15 years of sex? That’s my point Damien. You were never robbed of sex. You can sit back and enjoy your self imposed celibacy or take sex off the table as you say. Then the audacity to say it does not matter! Most men in America do not have that luxury Damien. Why can’t you see… Read more »
@Damien, This was a completely voluntary choice and arose from a lot of discomfort and dissatisfaction in my sexuality. I would rather be celibate than continue to engage sex the way I was. Do you consider your (our) sexuality to be equal to the way we engage in sex? And do you think you would feel the same way about it if you already were (had been) celibate? The distinction is in the choice, to say and hold to a “no”, not because circumstances have given me some kind of ‘dry spell’. And at the same continuing to cultivate connection… Read more »
His shrink I believe.
Flyingkal, Shana is a dating and relationship Coach that I enlisted to help me discover a better way to relate to women as I was not satisfied with my dating life. I wanted to discover more awareness around what was holding me back in being with the kind of women that I really felt most attracted to. Yes I have been through this “involuntary celibacy”, actually I was what you could call a late bloomer. I had a lot of rejection by women when younger and a kind of desperation and resentment for that. Then discovering about pickup stuff I… Read more »
“I don’t believe women are like fish in that it’s some sport that I cast out and then “reel” them in.”
And women do not engage in this type of conduct and behavior? So, it is OK if they have men JUST FOR FUCKING? But, if a man wants a woman just for sex, then it is bad.
Sorry, but a lot of women are not as wholesome as you think!
I love much of what I read on The Good Men Project, and this is no exception. I referenced this post in a hangover piece for The Vodka Press about casual sex (and some recent articles on it).
http://www.thevodkapress.com/2013/12/hungover-on-casual-sex.html
@Zoe,
Just curious. What exactly do you love about this piece? Have you read any other of Damien’s contributions?
I did this very same ‘experiment’ beginning on my 30th birthday which felt appropriate in some “grown up” way. I applaud your effort and would encourage others of either gender to do the same. Taking sex, and more importantly, the pursuit of sex off the table frees one from a burden of ‘the chase’ in the same way that agriculture frees one from the anxieties of subsistence living. And it is during that period of cultivation that one can enjoy the luxury of time to reflect and indulge in one’s self, one’s relationships, and one’s world. I gained some clarity… Read more »
@Neal,
Again, when you have enjoyed the luxury of a steady and robust sex life, you can afford to take sex off the table to ‘ enjoy the luxury of time to reflect and indulge in one’s self, one’s relationships, and one’s world.”
What message would you give the large universe of men in America who are involuntarily celibate? I guess they certainly would know themselves, their relationships, and their world quite well.
@Julia Byrd, I think there is a powerful message presented here in Damien’s piece. The exploration of what lies deep inside of a man (or woman). Even if you are “involuntarily celibate”, the focus shouldn’t be on getting sexual experiences, but rather on how to be intimate within one’s self. For me, ‘taking sex off the table’ isn’t about denying a desire or ignoring the importance of sex in our lives, but rather honouring that we are multifaceted and deeply wonderful beings with or without it. We seldom explore this depth, instead getting wrapped up and thrust along by the… Read more »
@EMil, “…..the focus shouldn’t be on getting sexual experiences, but rather on how to be intimate within one’s self.” Again, you can only say this is you have been sexually satisfied, either now or in the past. I am not denying the importance of exploring what lies deep within our beings. But, if you have been in the Sinai desert without water for a few days, your focus is going to be on water! Don’t you think those men who have been sexless for years or even decades have not thought about what lies deep within them? Sex is rooted… Read more »
@Julia Byrd – are you a man or a woman? (just so I’m clear) Firstly – {sarcasm} If you were in the Sinai desert for a few days without water, its more likely you’d not be able to focus on moving, let alone water. 😛 And more importantly, I think your analogy and the comparison of water to life as sex is to intimacy is based on some pretty backward logic. Sex does not generate intimacy, it doesn’t take much more than an erection for a man to participate in sex. Intimacy is about connection, baring your soul to another,… Read more »
@EMil, Thanks for your commentary. Btw, I am a man. You say, “Sex does not generate intimacy….” Wow!! And this is universal? You are completely wrong here EMil. For some men it does! This comment is reflects the backwards notion held by many women that men only desire sex for the sake of sex. It is truly absurd. I full well understand all this talk about connection blah blah blah. It’s fine. I do not knock it. But, if sex is not that important to people, then why do so many of us engage in it? It clearly is not… Read more »
Hi Jules (EMI thanks for your great comments). Whether we have had a lot of sex or not is irrelevant to the point I am making. If one is “involuntarily celibate” yet deeply craving it and likely pursuing it through the use of pornography or other avenues then essentially there is neediness around sex… one may not be getting any, yet one is yearning for it. To take it off the table, for me, meant to let go of that internal yearning for sex… that it’s something I need to have. I don’t die without sex. Intentionally deciding not to… Read more »
@Damien, “Whether we have had a lot of sex or not is irrelevant to the point I am making.” False!!! How do you take something off the table you do not have or you are not getting Damien. People can do inner work with or without sex. Maybe the man who is involuntarily celibate has already done enough inner work. He simply craves sex with a human being. I patently disagree that sex is an ‘expression’ of intimacy. Sex can be intimacy for many. It often serves as a bonding (intimacy) mechanism for many. Are you saying NSA casual sex… Read more »