Authoritarians are characteristically anti-women. It seems not to matter if the authoritarian is male or female: he or she is still typically anti-women. This makes authoritarian wounding a feminist issue as well as a human issue. We might try to explain this predilection by speculating that authoritarians simply find women easy prey. But the answer is more complicated than that, having to do with the “sexual sadism” component of the authoritarian personality, the authoritarian’s peculiarly violent hatred of girls and women, and his or her intense need to punish girls and women. There is something “special” going on here—and women had better take notice.
Here is Leslie’s story:
My father fits the description of an authoritarian personality, followed by my husband—surprise, surprise! I’m a slow learner. In the case of my father, I was afraid of him, of his temper that is. For me, the abuse was not physical but the verbal slaps were felt in my being: “Do as you’re told”; “It’s none of your business”; “You don’t own anything”; “Earn money and buy it yourself”; etc. Then there was the banging on the bathroom door and the barging in if I was in there too long … and the yelling until his face turned purple. It was a way of life. I did as I was told, “promptly,” because I was a good and frightened little girl. There were few calm periods. Did my nature, my gender, invite his behavior?
The following is relevant: My mother was passive, younger than him by 14 years, and always called him “daddy.” He adored her. He never spoke an angry word to her, his lovely obedient girl-wife. She was beautiful (so people said); my father was handicapped after a motorcycle accident in his late twenties leaving him with one leg inches shorter than the other, and thus he wore a custom-made shoe with a built-up heel. (On more than one occasion he threw that shoe at me.) Their marriage took place after the accident. I was baby number two. The first, a boy, died in infancy before I was born. Did any of this play into his authoritarianism, and his need to control?
Both of them came to the United States from Germany in their teens—she was a farm girl—he was an experimental engineer highly regarded in his field for designing those old antiques called typewriters. My parents socialized almost exclusively within a German community of friends. My school friends told me that they spoke with heavy accents.
Next came my husband. My husband was a successful business person who told me many times a day how much he loved me even while he checked on how thoroughly I cleaned the house (he would run his finger along the top of door sills checking for dust). Unlike my father, he lapsed into stony silence when I took on activities that did not include him.
Fast forward. My husband ultimately allowed me to work but I could not, at any time, talk about my work days in the household. (He talked about his days ad infinitum.) Worth noting: I have a B.S. degree and, more often than not, took on leadership positions in various endeavors. Worth noting also: I deposited my paycheck into his checking account—not unusual in the 1960’s.
I resolved the husband issue by divorcing him in the twentieth year of marriage. That is not because I spontaneously came into my own. I had worked at Yale University (late 60’s/early 70s) where I developed a strong civil rights ethic. In time, I saw a connection between racial strife and my own predicament. (Thank you also to Gloria Steinem, a major player in my divorce decision.)
Neither my father nor my husband person could be described as an authoritarian follower. However, I don’t see either of them as authoritarian leaders in their work settings. For different reasons, I think they both believed team effectiveness was essential to success. My father was not a particularly social individual but he was creative and needed other creatives to bring ideas to fruition. My husband was a humorous, charismatic person, what might be called a “born leader.” He was vice-president of a big corporation, inspiring followers to operate according to his “suggestions.” People wanted to be around him.
At work, they sought cooperation. But they were authoritarian within the household, behaviors that were supported by the social mores of the time. (Enter Gloria and all those grand feminists. Better late than never.) My biggest consequence was, and still is, a fear of confrontation. For example: how do I confront a physician with a gut feeling that is at odds with his pronouncement? I always detour around emotional issues unless speaking in hypothetical terms; I always steer clear of arguments with friends.
How do I deal with this stuff? Perfect solution: I write. Journaling was my answer from early, early days. Throughout school years English teachers consistently encouraged my writing. Writing has been the way of coping. Healing is a different issue. What is healing? To this day, I stand at the kitchen sink, yelling at my father. He has been dead for more than fifty years.
I was in therapy for about a year. It supported me during a feverish period when I was involved in ending a relationship that replicated the old authoritarian drama. Did it help me in the long run? You tell me. I’ve steered clear of deep emotional ties ever since. (This excludes my adored daughter and treasured friendships.) Ultimately, I felt as if I was out of prison. I really liked me when I was free and running my own show.
I’m not going down that road again. No authoritarians in sight. Actually, age plays a role here. I’m 80 years old in a couple of weeks and I can get cranky without guilt. I put few limits on myself. Many things go on in my life but there are only three things that really matter: 1) my daughter; 2) my writing; and 3) learning, expanding and adventuring. My thinking is that, for women like myself, going to a supportive school and living in a supportive society would have been helpful.
“No, little girl, you are not anyone’s property.” “Yes, little girl, it is all right to assert yourself.” These were not messages I got from my passive mother, my seven different public schools, the male-directed society I entered post-college, my father or my husband. So: march! Raise the banner! I think, in part, this is a feminist issue. I think most males respond differently to early authorities: those authorities (usually men) are likely to become role models. “Ah, this is the way a man takes control of ‘his’ world.” There you go.
If you’ve had the experience of being harmed by a family authoritarian—a parent, sibling, grandparent, aunt or uncle, partner, adult child, etc.—or by someone else close to you—a cleric, teacher, boss, co-worker, etc.—I invite you take the Authoritarian Wound Questionnaire, available here. I also invite you to tell your story, as it is long past time that we got this epidemic of wounding exposed—and ended. Come back each Thursday to read more about authoritarians in the family and please think about taking the Authoritarian Wound Questionnaire and about telling your story.
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This post was previously published on Psychology Today and is republished on Medium.
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