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I wanted to list five things never to plant in your man’s bearded countenance, but came up empty worded. I consulted Lawrence of Arabia, the Rat Pack themselves, and even some social media giants like Zuckerberg, as well as each and every one of the legendary Rockettes, to no agreement except one: “Never plant succulents in your man’s beard while he is napping.” Ah, there’s nothing like the smell of fresh compost in the morning!! Here is my take on this controversial subject.
One of the first thoughts upon awakening is the loss of my beard. For years—no really, now at least three decades—I awakened to the bristling sounds of face dragging across the pillow…that is until she decided to plant miniature Haworthia cooperi and Echeveria elegans one morning…in my beard. Now the beard, the plants, and she are gone. I miss the beard the most.
Such an oddity, aberration, anomaly certainly threatens the importance of those 800,000 tons of radioactive water flooding the Pacific, and—if things are reckoned differently—might be cause for my sprouting behaviors. But. She left me some small but nicely tended plants, ones I like, for sure.
Oh, my identity as a vegan was never in question and I admit I might have snored a bit, and the face mask that came with the sleep apnea machine never fit right. But I never expected to be greeted by the rank odor of decaying compost and bursting fresh tendrils so close to my dreamland oasis. I would rather have been left a note, like any reasonable man who has outworn his partner, like any gardener whose seeds were planted shallow, whose net produce showed up fallow and waning. “I am getting older,” I decided out loud, to no one in particular. That must be it.
Removing the plants was not difficult, root systems, in fact, being rather immature themselves; it was an easy breakup, an easy disengagement from the blond who unconvincingly, until that very moment of consciousness, had betrayed my trusty vigor for some other bacchanalia with the wee folk, I suppose. While I don’t know for certain that the faeries have her, I am certain that the smoothly scraped soft skin I now sport provides sorry emblematic fear to those women in court at present. In my reflection, I happened to jot down a few guidelines for the fearful lot wishing to hide behind that facial hair, like I did for so many years.
It is as if my chaste hairless chins offer refuge to the nuzzling kind, not fearful of becoming tangled in moustache or pierced by goatee. At least the new suitors can find my lips without tonguing their way through the remnants of today’s soup and sandwich lunch at the diner. It is a much cleaner and supposedly sanitary approach to kissing on the first date. Such a chin is strong and jutting, easy to find.
And for those faint of heart, the newly revealed chin and chops may offer conclusive evidence that there is no abuse or manipulation or at least no promise of either, veiled in bushy darkness. I am told that men without beards act up less and torment their lovers with fewer lies of commission or omission—having nothing to hide, no worm to conceal, no agenda to manipulate. I am certain of this truth most days.
On cold winter mornings, however, I miss the beard more than the companionship. Plants, be they simply slowly moving animals, just can’t take the place of a warm body next to you at daybreak.
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