Nature or Nurture? Todd Adams wonders whether that question matters when it comes to being a good husband and father.
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I have been in an on-line debate with a few close friends of mine regarding whether or not men have the nurturing gene the way women do. I argue that I while I have the ability to do everything (less child birth and nursing) that my wife can do regarding the nurturing of our three daughters, it does not come nearly as naturally to me as it does to my wife. The debate volleyed back and forth. My friend stating that, from an anthropological standpoint, that throughout history nurturing (feminine) and assertive (masculine) roles were equally shared between the sexes. But then politics and religion entered the culture and the roles shifted and became more obviously separate. I’m not sure if this is true or not since I’m not an anthropologist.
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I’m not a fan of feeding my kids. I do it all the time, but it’s something I have to do. When I sit down at a restaurant with my family and the food comes, I dig in. My wife takes it upon herself to cut the French toast in bite sized portions, blows on the food to make sure it’s cool enough for our little ones to eat. When we discussed this on our podcast one time, I was asked by my wife why I allow her to do the heavy lifting at the restaurants, I respond, “because I like to eat my food when it’s hot” Guess what her response was- “So do I, but I still eat my food cold.” The bottom line is she puts herself second (or third or fourth) much more often than I do. I have probably painted an unfair picture in my head that her attitude of kid’s needs come first, husband’s needs come second, and her needs come a distant third is because she’s the mom and it’s more natural for her.
Could I have gotten up and changed my daughter’s diaper and assisted with the feeding? You bet. But my wife was there, willing and able to once again do all the heavy lifting.
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I have this vivid memory of being in the hospital room with my wife the night after our third daughter was born and how happy my wife was to wake up to nurse this kid at 3:00 AM and change her diaper while I was on the couch trying to get some sleep. Could I have gotten up and changed her diaper and assisted with the feeding? You bet. But my wife was there, willing and able to once again do all the heavy lifting. She carried this kid in her belly for 9 months, suffered through morning sickness through at least 3 of those months, delivered this baby the size of a watermelon through something the size of a lemon and was still willing to wake up at 3:00 AM to give this child what she needed.
While my wife was pregnant with our second she had severe abdomenal pain and needed to go to the ER. I was out at the bars with my friends for a planned evening of remembering what our social life used to be like before we had kids. She called and said she was going to the ER due to this pain. I got in a cab and went to the hospital. It turned out it was some type of gall bladder attack, but that she was going to be fine. We were at the hospital all night and finally came home around 6:30 AM. My brother in law was kind enough to sit for our one year old at the time and she was just waking up with a whole pile of energy — the kind that one-year-olds have upon waking. It was going to be a long day and I was stuck somewhere between being drunk and hungover and my wife was exhausted from her hospital experience. I created a plan that we should take turns of napping throughout the day while the other one stays up with our daughter. We agreed.
She asked, “Who should take first nap?”
I responded, “I will.” (I was really tired.)
I could probably count on two hands the number of times I have given my daughters a bath. Not a fan.
Hurts my back, water all over, shampoo in the hair, soap in the eyes- no thank you. I have never clipped their toe nails. My wife has this sense of contentment when the house is quiet and everybody is in their beds sleeping after a long day. I don’t have that either.
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So now I will make an unfair conclusion that (generally speaking) nurturing does come more naturally to women than it does for men. This could be the result of my own upbringing, a society that has made the nurturing aspect of my fatherhood more elusive, or it could be some type of DNA genetic makeup. I’m not sure.
So am I bad dad and husband? Maybe. However as I write this, I realize that I am a huge fan of hugs, kisses, and cuddling. I love playing board games with them. If somebody wants to play any type of sport, I’ll be the first in line to be the head coach, I will have the uncomfortable (and continuous) discussions about sex with my two older daughters- ages 9 and 11 . I will work extra hard at my job knowing that financial security is important for the well-being of the family unit. So maybe it’s just certain nurturing aspects that I’m not good at.
I think of the whole “Kramer vs. Kramer” discussion. Can a “typical” man be as nurturing as a “typical” mom. My answer is yes, but at least for this man, it requires more effort.
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If you enjoyed this article, check out more by Todd Adams:
11 Mistakes Your Marriage Needs You to Stop Making
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Image: ecastro/Flickr
Yea to both your questions.. so far ur a shit dad and real shit husband.. better fix it soon or u will end up being a shit ex husband wantchunv your kid play w his new dad
Yea after reading this I would have to say you are pretty damn selfish and are just like my fiancé I have decided to LEAVE – we have 1.5 year old and we’re planning the wedding pfft lol – he won’t clip his toenails or bathe him or even wipe his face off when it has food on it so he breaks out in a rash.. I feel nervous when I leave him with him because his needs ALWAYS come before mine or our child’s.. it’s effing DISGUSTING.. watching him make himself lunch then walk past our son leaving him… Read more »
Men and women have different interests and strengths in parenting. From the widest perspective, women are more caring, more structured and more involved in the day to day. Men are more grounded, more play it by ear, and more focused on the overall picture. The two styles merge together to give a balanced upbringing. You give me a baby to feed it impacts me like a chore and I tackle it like that. Finish however possible because the experience doesn’t interest me in the slightest. I simply don’t care. I love my kids, but I derive no enjoyment or sense… Read more »
Here’s the thing: I’m a mum and there are plenty of things I dislike JUST AS MUCH AS THE NEXT PERSON. Would I like to sit down, interrupted and watch TV? Yep. Would I like to be able to sit down to eat a meal rather than grabbing what I can between cleaning, feeding, packing bags and being made to play ‘ tigers’ which involves me crawling around in the floor?? SURE WOULD. Do I actually enjoy the midnight feedings, sleep deprivation, tantrums, night waking for ‘blanket on?!’ FUCK NO I don’t! I do these things because right now, they… Read more »
Yes. Yes you are. I stumbled upon this article while googling, literally, “am i a bad father” because i quickly become annoyed and frustrated with my two year old acting up at bed time… And that’s it. And then i get over that and put the guy to bed. All the things you won’t do I’d end up doing on a daily basis because that’s dad stuff. But realising your kids need food and then feeding them? That’s pretty universal. And realising you don’t because you like to eat your food hot? How long does it take to cut your… Read more »
Gavin, your kids are very lucky to have you as their dad. On behalf of exhausted mothers everywhere, thank you from the bottom of our hearts. Well done you!
Good on you, Gavin 🙂
I’m going to be the jerk that says…my husband’s like you and I resent him for it. I’m selfless and he takes advantage of it…just like you’re doing to your wife.
Your a great husband and father. My husband left me when I was pregnant and missed the birth of my son and didn’t see him not once for 2 and halft years of his life. We got back together when he was 3 years old. My husband gets home at 10pm most days even weekends. He is gone at 10am on weekends. He doesn’t take us out often, it’s happened once in 7 months and he ensured it was hell of an experience so I’d stop asking him to take us out. He doesn’t do anything for my son other… Read more »
I am the same way. At times I feel like a bad father and husband. And especially when I start the arguments because of my selfishness. I try to lighten the load off her back and times I don’t because of the continuous arguments that arise because of my selfishness. I don’t know why I’m a good employee and everywhere I go people like me and I’m such a bad husband.
Frank, at least you recognize that you are selfish. The question is, do you want to do something about it or is your happiness and are your needs always going to be more important than everyone else’s? If so, you should not be in a committed relationship and certainly should not be a father.
I am an Asian and I guess many Asian men, or perhaps I should just speak for myself, have this idea or inclination that it’s the duty of the wife to nurture and care for the family while the man fend for everyone in the family and keep the family unit financially afloat. I guess, there isn’t anything wrong with it for as long as both husband and wife are agreeable and are happy with the state of things. Why rock the boat? Why argue who pedals and who steers? Being fair and equal (the means) is so that things… Read more »
I am a terrible father & husband. I I care about only myself and my addiction to older women and sex. Everything and I mean everything comes before my wife & family. I missed the birth of my son & have tortured my step son & wife. I don’t care & I’m not sorry. Just sorry I got caught I think my actions are normal & I will never see my son or step son again. I only care about myself. I am a coward I know that.
How tragic for your wife and children. You have just ruined their lives on so many levels. Time to grow up little boy! There are so many really good men out there but you will never be one of them.
Big, BIG Gonads. I love your honesty, and I am having exactly the same experience. My wife and I are living the feminist ideal, shared care and she earning most of the money while I finish my studies. We would both trade places in a heartbeat – I would love to be out there earning the bread and she longs to be at home with our son. I do what I have to, but I don’t greatly enjoy it. Same for her. We want each others jobs right now. As to whoever suggested that historically we shared the care –… Read more »
Too true Adam . But we also used to eat with our hands and go to the bathroom in a hole in the ground. It’s a new world. I Hope you and your wife are able to swap roles so you can both find fulfillment.
I think men can and do have what it takes to truly nurture their children. You don’t seem to be one of them.
A good man!
Hey Tod, buddy, you have some large gonads to have written this … I give you a lot of credit. Although I was proficient in all the things you claim not to be, I’ll admit that there were times that it was a pain in the a** but I did them. My wife was a stay at home mom and loved and I mean LOVED doing everything for the kids. It wasn’t that I was unwilling but she took her role and ran with it. I think it’s cool that you’re being so honest. I think you’re a great dad… Read more »
I enjoyed this analysis. I think it depends a lot on the person, i know that when I was a kid, my dad usually woke up to deal with the vomit etc. because my mother absolutely needed her sleep more. Dad did this even when he worked and she didn’t. I would encourage you to consider the number of compromises you generally make vs the number of compromises your wife generally makes. It might be that you are just used to getting your way more. I know my husband and I have discovered that this is how it works in… Read more »