Four Choices You Can Make To Become A Better Father

Keola Birano shares advice — and his own painful experience — on what to do when you don’t have a good father figure in your life.

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After watching my uncle and his high school buddies spar in the back yard, I was inspired to put on the gloves. I wanted to box with my brother who was 2 years younger than I. Looking back I don’t believe I had intended to hurt him. But at the same time he could be irritating. I guess only God knows.

So after some begging. my brother and I were starting to put on the boxing gloves when my father caught wind of our intentions. He came out of the house in a rage. He verbally accosted me as he dealt with me. To “teach me a lesson,” he put on those boxing gloves himself. He proceeded to teach. Dropping to his knees he urged me to try and punch him. I refused, which brought verbal insults that should never be uttered toward a little boy. Especially your son. His words pushed me forward as I lunged to punch him and was met with a quick snap of his wrist. With every punch my face turned a brighter shade of red. Silver lining? I never stopped trying. Through tears I fought until my mother rescued me.

Luckily, he never gave me a black eye or a bloody nose. In fact what he did was worse. He verbally insulted me with every punch. Announcing that I deserved every punch I took. Calling into question my manhood in front of whoever could hear.

In his mind he taught me not to pick on someone smaller then me.

Did I learn that?

No.

I learned that my father hated me and the feeling was mutual.

This type of fathering is just a tip of the iceberg. My father has done far worse things that have scarred my family and I. One deep scar he left is doubt I had in my own ability as a father. Observing and experiencing the abuse my father dished out in our home frightened me because I feared becoming him one day. I promised myself that I would never parent as he did but deep in my soul I doubted that I had a choice. I thought I not only had the potential to be like him but it was my fate.

These nagging thoughts still bother me today. As a father, this narrative has been tested. I have moments that scare me so much that when I look in the mirror I see my father. Even though there are times that I lose control of my temper there are four choices I’ve made that have helped me become a better father.

1. Nature vs. Nurture? No matter what, own your choices

Based on these two frames of thinking. my abilities as a father are either learned through upbringing or innately inherited.

Either way, I have little choice in the matter. Or do I?

I learned during my graduate work in Counseling Psychology that someone from my background shouldn’t be where I am. I shouldn’t have a Masters degree. I should have a substance abuse problem and probably have a criminal record. I’m an outlier.

How have I been able to beat the odds? By understanding that I have a choice. No matter the circumstances we always have the power to decide how we’ll face them. How we deal with failure and success determines whether or not we move forward or backwards in life.

2. Educate yourself

I’m a visual learner and for many of us examples speak louder then words, which is why telling your child not to smoke while smoking doesn’t really work.

So how do you educate yourself when you lack models at home? You look outside. I focused on male coaches and teachers whose examples mirrored my personal beliefs of right and wrong. I especially watched how they dealt with misbehavior. What did their punishment consist of? Observations that resonated with me were captured in my journal for reference.

Secondly, I was educated through my college degree in Counseling Psychology. This taught me the power of the mind and how we think of things affects our emotions and behavior.

We have the power to affect our lives through the thoughts we entertain. For those of you who don’t want to spend an arm and a leg can do research online and your local library. There is a ton of information available that can help you understand how to overcome your circumstances and become a better parent.

3. Remember your past

Around five years ago we had our first child that ushered in the hardest period of my life. Ironically it had nothing to do with my daughter. I had to help my grandmother sell her home. It was the home I was raised in and the only constant in my life. By itself this would have been barely bearable but when you combine it with my sister’s divorce. Mix in raising her kids until she got on her feet and you get Hyde.

I was a ticking time bomb. Quick to yell and slow to listen. My daughter who was only 2 years old feared me. Whenever she made the smallest mistake I’d yell at her and stomp around. It became such a problem that whenever she’d do something that she thought was wrong she’d start freaking out and running away from me.

Around that time I reflected on what I had become. I thought back to my own childhood and remembered how scared I was of my father and grandfather. I never felt like I could do anything right, which was a piece of the problem when I was struggling with depression and suicidal ideation. Remembering this brought me back to the present and the decisions I was making in handling my stress and dealing out discipline.

I was no better then my father but I could be if I just learned from the past. Yelling all the time doesn’t help and can cause more trouble in the long run. When you’re about to blow up at your kids think about the cause of the anger. Is it the kids? Is it something else? If it’s not the kids then separate those situations and deal with the children based on their misbehavior. Learn to handle stress in a positive way or else it’ll damage yourself and your family.

4. Forgive yourself

Finally what has been the biggest difference in my parenting has been my ability to forgive my father and myself.

When I was younger I hated my father and dreamt of ways I could hurt him. I thought he was pure evil. This narrative hurt me more than him as I struggled being the son of someone I thought was evil. With time I’ve come to learn how my father’s actions were predictable based on his upbringing. In fact, you could say he did better then his father or stepfather. By seeing him as a whole person I’ve been able to forgive him and learn that we are not perfect or imperfect. Forgiveness gives me the opportunity to change when I make mistakes and allow for others to do the same. By doing this we can move on and forward toward a becoming a better father.

What do you do when you don’t have a good father figure?

Find them, because they’re everywhere. They are the writers of Good Men Project. They are the fathers who play catch with their sons and daughters. They are the ones who stay up all night with a sick child. They’re perfectly imperfect and thrive because of that fact. Thanks to all the fathers who try. Even my father who tried his best to be the father he never had.

Happy Father’s Day.

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Photo: Pezibear/Pixabay