A number of men in my life have a way of dealing with difficult feelings that really hurt the people that care about them. They shut down. They won’t discuss their feelings, they won’t discuss what is in their heart, sometimes they will not discuss anything period and will go completely no contact for an extended period of time. As someone not infrequently on the receiving end, wow, that hurts! I care about you so much but now you choose to have nothing to do with me even though you have at times made it clear that I am as important to you as you are to me. I miss you!
First, just recognize reality. When you put your guard up, you are inclined to blame others for your need for all of that extra protection. Yes, maybe that person could have acted a little bit more thoughtfully. But on the other hand, you also tend to exaggerate their weaknesses into a far more aggressive and painful intention than that person ever lived up to. You don’t have to beat yourself up and you certainly should not inflict any more shame on yourself than you already feel, but nonjudgmentally admit that you are playing a role in making things worse for yourself than they have to be. It’s okay, it’s not the worst offense in the world, but just admit that that is how it is. The truth can be painful, but it can also help to provide direction and healing.
Second, remember that the traumas that contributed to your need to protect yourself with such profound fierceness involved at least one tremendously broken person. You did not undergo that trauma because you were a weak person; that trauma was inflicted on you because the person who mistreated you had a multitude of very severe weaknesses themselves. You are carrying around shame and torment that are completely valid feelings and yet are so utterly not your fault. You are okay. You are most likely brilliant and have an incredibly beautiful world in your being. This is another truth you need to admit! You are not all that crap that the traumatic situation wanted you to think that you are. You are not weak. You are not alone. You are not defective. You are not any more lacking than the rest of us. You are still strong, you are still beautiful, and you are still someone who is meant to have a connection with good and loving people. The people who hurt you don’t know squat. Quit listening to them the best that you can.
Third, give yourself a break. It takes a substantial emotional and physical toll on you to be so guarded so continually. You could be giving yourself more grief protecting yourself from pain than you would feel if that person actually did turn out to be a jerk and hurt you. You are always “on.” You are always vigilant. You are always waiting for what you hope for to fall apart on you. You are constantly aware of how terrible things could turn out. You dread having to feel painful feelings you have felt in the past again during the present. Constant fear. Constant anxiety. A dread that permeates every thought in your heart. This is understandable given what has happened, but it is incredibly tormenting against your entire being. You are using a lot of energy keeping your guard up to the point that this cycle of alertness is robbing you of the resources you need to run towards things you love instead of just away from things you dread.
Fourth, take it slow. If you want to open up more, but you don’t want your loved ones to build expectations that place too much pressure on you, communicate your boundaries and do not let anyone push you to compromise them. Tell them you don’t want to go there right now. You do not have to explain yourself. It is okay to take things slow. People who truly love you will just be excited that things are open with you at all and they will enjoy the opportunity to connect with you at whatever pace it happens.
This appears relatively easy on paper, but of course living it out is incredibly challenging. Recognize that you are pursuing a goal that is very demanding to achieve and recognize the strength of your resiliency in even considering overcoming such a major obstacle in your life. You are so close to something so profoundly special. You’ve got this!
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This post is republished on Medium.
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