As I write this, Father’s Day is just around the corner.
No doubt my wife and ex-wife are busy making plans and buying things “from my kids” to give to me. Another Father’s Day will pass and my cupboard will be filled with things like beef jerky, coffee mugs with some saying about how much I like to fart or poop, and hot sauces from the bowels of Hell.
I will open the gifts and say, “Awww, thanks guys!” to which my children will reply, “What is it?”
This is the way.
I have four kids, two of my own and two who came along with the marriage to my second wife. I’ve pretty much seen and done it all when it comes to parenting, and not much surprises me anymore.
However, there was a time when things did surprise me. As my oldest daughter graduates college, I’ve started to look back on what over two decades of parenting has enlightened for me.
Here are just a few.
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Before I had kids…
- I thought “Happy Hour” was when bars gave you discounted drinks, and not a description of the 60 minutes before the kids wake up or after they go to bed.
- A “nooner” meant afternoon sex, not the nap I’m trying to squeeze in before the kids get home from school.
- I had no idea most of my Tupperware would be used to store slime.
- I was completely unaware that I would someday be fighting with someone at 6 AM about wearing socks.
- I had hair, could sleep through the night, and could actually finish a cup of coffee while it was still warm.
- I never thought I would find myself sobbing in the middle of an audience during a dance recital.
- I thought I was smart, and then one day I was asked to help with third-grade math.
- Chicken Nuggets weren’t considered part of my household’s Food Pyramid.
- I never thought “BECAUSE I SAID SO,” was a perfectly valid response.
- I had no idea there was a wrong way to mow a lawn.
- I did not realize that I would one day morph into the mirror image of my own parents.
- Understanding the game of soccer, let alone coaching it, was not even fathomable.
- I could get through an entire show without having to pause every 4 minutes to listen to a story about a video game or YouTuber.
- “Before I had kids” is when I should have started saving for their college educations.
- I didn’t understand how that, some day, sending them off to school would be absolutely terrifying.
- Arguing about showers wasn’t a thing.
- How proud I could be of someone for making a clay mushroom in Art Class.
I wanted the approval of others, but now I just want my children to know they are safe with me. - The concept of dying for someone seemed like an allegory.
- I had no idea that a stream of urine could be off-target so badly, or that said-stream-of-urine, when left undiscovered, could become a hardenable substance.
- A big part of eating out at restaurants would involve picking up crayons from under the table.
- I would have never found a sneaker in the microwave.
- Toothpaste was not considered decorative countertop art.
- It would be rare to find someone else’s poop still floating around in the toilet.
- I was able to easily find our pens, pencils, scissors and tape.
- I knew why the floor was sticky.
- I didn’t think graduation celebrations would fill me with equal amounts of joy and fear.
- I had absolutely no idea that I would be thrilled when a teenager got his license.
- I did not realize I would be a master at creating dioramas.
- I didn’t mind when someone was playing loud music.
And my last one…
- Before I had kids, I didn’t realize how parenthood would be awesomely challenging, exhausting, soul-crushing/lifting, and rewarding it was going to be.
To all you dads out there, Happy Father’s Day. To all you people who assume the role of dad or parent in some child’s life, keep your chin up. You’re in this for the long haul, and it’s gonna be one hell of a ride.
Just do your best.
Your kids will appreciate it. Even if the card saying how much they appreciate you was bought by their mom, they do.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Jill Sauve on Unsplash