Dude, seriously? Don’t be a bonehead.
By Ethan Fixell
In most situations, any guy can save himself from getting dumped if he’s quick on his feet and good with his tongue (both figuratively and literally). When a girlfriend stumbles upon a porn-filled browser history, a flirtatious Facebook exchange with an ex, or an inflatable “roommate,” salvation is usually but a squirrelly-conversation-followed-by-romantic-trip-to-the-bedroom away.
But as the hosts of weekly advice show “Dude, Seriously?“, we’ve heard about hundreds of other boneheaded moves made by our male brethren that have almost instantly sent relationships up in flames. Unfortunately, there are just some dating mistakes that are nearly impossible to recover from. Here are what we believe to be the 10 worst offenses.
7. Invoke The Name of Another
When in bed with a woman, random thoughts are eventually bound to fire off. Hopefully, they relate to the activity already in progress and are not mere musings on tomorrow’s breakfast or that embarrassing moment in your grade school play. Occasionally, a few debatably acceptable exclamations might even just make their way out of your mouth (e.g. “God Bless America!” or “Fire in the hole!”). While you might have a shot at getting her to excuse you for openly fantasizing about a famous actress (we’re partial to Helen Mirren), calling out the name of a very real, attainable co-worker, ex-girlfriend, or neighbor while in the throes of ecstasy will bring you nothing but pain. “If you’d rather get off to the thought of Jessica,” she’ll charge, “then why not just date her and get off of me?” And may God help you if you whisper or even mumble the name of her best friend. We don’t care if her pal is Scarlett Johansson — just don’t do it! Accidentally broaching this sore subject will leave your subject sore from neglect for months, if you know what we mean.
6. Go TMZ
To receive spicy photos of your lady via your cellphone could be the greatest benefit of modern technology. Whether cherished over a long week apart from your beloved, or utilized for some “work release,” these gems come in… well, handy. But there’s a catch to gathering such golden nuggets of sexiness: The keeper of said precious treasures must guard their privacy with his life. Consider your duty like that of a Navy SEAL: Compromise the mission by mentioning the existence of such photos to others and you shall be stripped of all honors and privileges. Should you ever go so far as to actually show them to friends, you can consider her photo booth — and likely, your relationship — permanently closed for business. Even worse, if word gets out to other ladies about your Julian Assange-like reputation to leak, you could be barred by the National Association of Women’s Tit-pics International (NAWTI) for life.
5. Utter “The Word”
In the heat of the moment, we’ve all said things we don’t mean. But unless you’re looking for a surefire way to end things instantly, you must never, under any circumstances, put together one simple combination of four particular letters. The foul result is a word that we’re not even capable of typing, given what respectable gentlemen we are (but it rhymes with “hunt”). Unlike other swear words, the context for your use of this expression matters not, for the mere word itself is almost unquestionably offensive to any woman you might encounter, and off-limits to the entire male gender. Even if she just burned your favorite T-shirt using a pair of Super Bowl tickets as kindling, choose any other selection from your vocabulary to address her. This otherwise forbidden term may only be used in reference to the inconsiderate lady at work who insists on repeatedly stealing your girlfriend’s stapler without warning — and only by your girlfriend… after she’s had three appletinis at happy hour. You’ve been warned.
4. Poor Hygiene
Go ahead: Wear the same pair of underwear for days on end. Find out what happens when you forgo bathing to “preserve your natural essence.” Grow those toenails out to talon-like lengths because you believe self-pedicures are “still pedicures” and therefore “for chicks only.” But we’ll save you some time from taking the “Natural Man Challenge” by telling you right now that it’ll absolutely result in your girlfriend losing interest in you, if not her lunch as well. Come on guys — there are ways to keep yourself smelling better than a wet dog, even if you are spending the entire summer following Phish. Grooming and proper hygiene are not only acceptable behaviors for a 21st century man, they are absolutely crucial for the preservation of his relationships with females (not including Juggalettes). Feel free to stink up the woods while on a weekend hunting trip with the boys, but hit the shower the second you get home. If you’re lucky, she’ll slide in with you to help you get all that grime off your body.
3. Cheap Out
Just as no dude wants a high-maintenance hottie to drain him of all of his cash flow, no woman wants a man who clips coupons to help finance her birthday dinner. Saving money is one thing, but bringing her week-old flowers because they were “on sale” is missing the point of the gesture. We’re not saying you need to go broke spoiling her, but you’ve got to give some to get some, gentlemen, and opening doors and whispering sweet nothings will only take you so far. Eventually you’ll need to look beyond the McDonald’s Dollar Menu and maybe even pony up for a classy piece of jewelry if you want to hold onto her love. A fancy dinner every other month will quell her rage over many consecutive evenings of pizza and Netflix. And at the very least, you can skip the sandpaper and spring for the deluxe roll of toilet paper when you know you’ll be hosting a houseguest. She doesn’t want you for your money, dude — but unless you want to date your mom, long-lasting relationships don’t come for free…
2. Oedipus Wrecks
They say every guy wants to marry someone like his mother. Sigmund Freud took this hypothesis to the next level by suggesting that the average man wants to have sex with his mom and murder his dad. Let’s hope you’re not the average man, then, huh? Look, most women find it admirable if a guy has a strong relationship with his mother, but you can be sure to turn your girlfriend off if you’re calling Mommy fifteen times each day to see what she’s up to and, perhaps, find out what she’s wearing. Are you dating your girlfriend or your mother? At some point you’ve got to grow up and acknowledge that there’s a new big-breasted sheriff in town, and she’s now the reigning female authority in your life. (Cue soundtrack: Elton John’s “The Circle of Life.”) Should you have trouble making the transition, start with this: When big life news develops, be sure to update the woman in your bed before the one who used to make it every morning.
1. Love Only Thyself
Your girlfriend wants to hear about your day and know about your life, but we recommend capping daily updates at three minutes and closing with reciprocal questions. Consistently turning the conversation back to you doesn’t work any better one year into a relationship than it does on a first date. A lady deserves equal footing in every catch-up, as well as your undivided attention during such a dialogue (yes, that’s “dia-“, not “mono”-logue). If you insist on texting or playing video games while she’s talking to you, only chat about yourself over dinner or violate anything else on the red flag list of self-obsession, soon enough you’ll only be able to discuss how amazing you remember the sex with your ex used to be. Speaking of sex, while every guy is entitled to “me time” with or without the help of “adult materials,” one must never become so enamored of this activity that he should neglect “me and you time” with his lady. Remember: your hand is real, but her body is realer.
But wait, there’s more!! Visit AskMen for the complete list of dump-worthy behaviors!
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