I don’t think I can be comfortable with a man here spying on us.
That man was me. A few days after my son was born in 2008, I joined a Baby Center birth group because I wanted to connect with other moms and dads in similar situations. The website said it was a great place to meet other “parents,” and as a rookie dad struggling with the turbulence of life with a newborn, I was seeking a welcoming place to commiserate and a sounding board for all things baby.
Instead I felt like I parachuted behind enemy lines.
During those first two weeks I was accused of many things. Some moms asked me outright why a man would possibly want to join a parenting network. They told me I should concentrate on getting a job (I worked full-time) instead of stepping on their mommy turf.
Perhaps the funniest accusation (or the most pathetic depending on your point of view) came from a mother who was 1) worried about me pleasuring myself to pictures of the other moms on the site, and 2) intruding on conversation threads pertaining to feminine hygiene issues. Because I’d be really apt to click on threads titled “Anyone have mucousy discharge?” or “Post-delivery hemorrhoids.”
I was outraged and let everyone know it. Eventually I earned their trust and respect, but that initial backlash and inherent distrust set the stage for a string of incidents which proved parenting is still very much thought of as a woman’s job.
Nearly all of the parenting books are for moms. The baby meet-up groups are almost always labeled “Mommy & Me.” Hell, I’ve been a dad blogger for three years and I STILL get pitches from companies that begin “Dear Mom.”
Most involved dads (and certainly many stay-at-home dads) are used to the dirty looks we get at the playground. We’ve all encountered Ron Mattocks’ reprehensible Escalade driving Soccer Mom who invariably insults us with comments such as “Oh, I see dad is babysitting today huh?” Newsflash lady: when a dad is taking care of his kid that’s called parenting. Would you tell a mom she’s “babysitting?” No, you wouldn’t. So just can it.
Truthfully I can deal with the ignorance of strangers, both in real life and on the Internet. It’s obnoxious but tolerable. But it hits closer to home and stings much more when family members pull this crap.
One of my wife’s relatives was visiting a while back and we started talking about Will and parenting in general. My wife, MJ, was bragging on me a bit and telling her family how great I was with Will and how in tune I am with his noises and his needs. Then her relative dropped a bombshell:
Well that’s nice, but women have mother’s intuition and moms always know what’s best.
This, of course, is complete bullshit. It is also the misguided mindset at the core of the problem for dads striving to be more involved. Not to mention it’s hard to listen to some women call for men to take more active roles in their kids lives, while simultaneously meeting said fathers with disdain or telling us we’re doing it wrong.
We may do things different from you, but that doesn’t mean we’re doing it wrong.
I do not believe women have a biological or inherent leg up on men when it comes to parenting. While it’s true a majority of women end up having a monopoly on the baby due to breastfeeding and maternity leave (not to mention the despicable lack of paternity leave for dads), it’s still possible for dads to be just as in tune with their kids. And let’s face it: first-time parents—regardless of gender—are mostly making it up as they go along anyways. I think moms just fake their confidence a little better.
So dads, stay involved. Ignore the dirty looks and condescending attitudes. And moms, we love and appreciate you. But you don’t know everything.
—Photo UNC-CFC-USFK/Flickr
awesome post
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=plkeKMTDM9g
I have to say that I’ve not experienced any of those situations. Most of my friends are so excited that I can stay home with the baby. Maybe I just haven’t noticed it?
I was outraged and let everyone know it. Eventually I earned their trust and respect, but that initial backlash and inherent distrust set the stage for a string of incidents which proved parenting is still very much thought of as a woman’s job. I have to admit Aaron you might be a better one that me. Because if I were being treated like that from the get go I may have very told the lot of them f off. Why? Because if this were reversed like say a woman trying to get her foot in the door on a forum… Read more »
Brilliant post. Thank you for putting words to what many men feel!
Dressed in that gear with a gun or a tazer, Aaron…no wonder why. In popular culture throughout much of the West, dad’s are secondary. In divorce, the kids go mostly with the mother. Mom’s are more present in our popular memory than men are. That’s the narrative, for what it’s worth, and so father’s — as important as we are — are relegated to co-starring roles much of the time. IMHO.
Soooo, what are your thoughts on the new movie Mars Needs Moms? You know I thought of you the first time I saw the commercial, lmao!!
This is an excellent and heartbreaking piece. I am reading it just after a morning spent with human services providers at a program on engaging fathers in parenting programs. We heard from two men who work with fathers: one works on the ‘front end’ so to speak, involving new dads, and the other works on the ‘back end’ – as a police officer in a diversion program – connecting kids who are in or near trouble with adult men who will mentor them. I appreciate the work you are doing with The Good Men Project and will bring this blog… Read more »
I have a hubs you would get along with very well. I wish he knew more like minded dads. One if the reasons I read your blog is that I can often see my hubs saying te same thing, so it’s easy to relate to. Best of luck. I never feel you’re intruding on mommy space, just that you might not want to read some of my tweets.
I was very blessed to have an excellent father. After my parents divorced, he remained the most dependable and wise figure in the lives of my siblings and I…even though we technically lived with our mother.
The Good Men Project is great! I support any organization that helps more of us have “good men” in our lives. Thanks.
My unhusband has some definite strengths over me. He is more patient and he is more fun. I can tell you, as a grown woman who hasn’t seen her own father since she was 9 years old… Moms can be lovely and wonderful, they can be helpful and there for you… But dads are very, very important. Very important. Being a woman or a man doesn’t inherently make you a better or a worse parent. We each have our own strengths and weaknesses, and we can each offer our children something marvelous throughout their growing years in the nest. IF… Read more »
Amen. My husband is a better parent than I am. Hands down.