Recently, I watched a YouTube Short of an interview with writer David Foster Wallace. In it, he theorized that far fewer people are reading because it requires the reader to be alone and quiet. It gave me pause. Could he be right? Are we becoming more resistant to silence and alone time? The introvert in me needed answers.
I have always been introverted, even when pretending I was not. I worked as a bartender in a nightclub for years, even though doing so felt like unstitching the very fabric of my soul. I would go home after a shift feeling drained — not just tired but physically and emotionally barren. Still, I continued working there because I wanted to fit in with the rest of the world. I wanted to be like the many leaders and coaches I’d see whose thunderous speeches would inspire and motivate anyone within earshot. I wanted to be an extrovert.
Every night I jumped behind that bar, I was living a lie. Something inside me did not want this life. I would brush off these nagging feelings by reassuring myself that it was what those around me expected. People fear being alone and quiet because so many consider it abnormal. An extrovert, by nature, is not afraid to tell you how you should live your life. And they do tell you — often.
How many times have introverts heard someone say, “You need to get out more,” or “You should go. There’s going to be a ton of people there.” Advice like this is offered with the best intentions, but for an introvert, it is the equivalent of saying, You should be less like you are. No wonder so many live against their own will. It doesn’t have to be this way.
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What do you hear in the silence?
To be quiet means to be alone with your inner voice. Your self-talk plays a tremendous role in your approach to silence. Who wants to sit and meditate if a voice of fear or condemnation is playing on a constant loop? Being alone with your thoughts can be daunting.
Ironically, the only way to change that voice is to listen. You can’t feel comfortable in your skin unless you get to know yourself. The real you, not the one you present to the world. The silent whisper of your soul if you’ll pardon the poetry.
In the HBO series The Newsroom, the character Will McAvoy, played by Jeff Daniels, states the following:
“The first step in solving any problem is recognizing there is one.”
So what is the problem? It’s that we don’t listen. We can’t change the dialog if we don’t hear what we are saying. It’s essential to listen to our inner voice and constantly ask ourselves if what it’s saying is true. Otherwise, falsehoods will surely seep in, and we will be living a lie.
Consider someone who has been called a jerk. How they respond to such an offense reveals a lot about the tone of their inner dialog. A person consistently engaging in negative self-talk will turn sheepish, almost embarrassed, and apologetic because they subconsciously agree. In contrast, someone with a more positive voice will likely react in anger or disinterest. They know themselves well enough that the words of an outsider can not affect their truth.
Whether you call yourself an introvert or extrovert, you should sit quietly and hear how you speak to yourself. When you spot a lie, correct it. The worst thing you can do is nothing because that lie will become a part of your story, and once it does, it will bleed out into the world through your actions and reactions.
Don’t be afraid to get in there and set the record straight.
“If you do not go within, you go without.” ~Neale Donald Walsch
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Being alone does not mean you are unlovable.
Why does society judge being alone the way it does? We immediately associate being alone with loneliness, and the negative spin begins. As an introvert, I am often alone but seldom lonely. I’m not suggesting I live as a hermit. I spend most of my time in solitude, and when I experience loneliness, I do something about it. I have friends and family I keep in close contact with, and I belong to a social group that gathers regularly. There are people who care about and love me, but I don’t feel it necessary always to be surrounded by them.
I am not alone because no one wants to be with me. It’s a choice, a preference, not a punishment administered by others. Department stores and other typically quiet public venues play muzak, so you won’t be alone with your thoughts. After all, they want you to feel comfortable so you will remain in the store. Part of the reason so many seek out crowds and loud parties is so they won’t have to listen to the negative voice in their heads (see above). I have difficulty collecting my thoughts while mired in the din of a crowd, so I often choose to be alone.
It is quite possible to be alone without feeling lonely.
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Final thoughts.
In her book Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking, Susan Cain refers to the “age-old dichotomy between the ‘man of action’ and the ‘man of contemplation’” and suggests the world would be improved with a balance of power between the two types. I couldn’t agree more.
Life is not one size fits all. What’s comfortable for you may not be comfortable for another. It’s essential to respect the choices of others and give them space to live how they see fit. Please don’t assume those different from you are broken in some way or need correction. If that is the case, they will find their way to their truth.
There is no need to change who you are to please others. You do not need their validation. You are valid. I promise.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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Photo credit: NEOM on Unsplash
