Being cheated on, then left for another woman is not a matter to be proud of.
Well, I am.
If it wasn’t for the brutal change of my reality, I wouldn’t have breathed in a new life perspective. I would have fallen into a state of disrepair.
Deep down, I knew I deserved better. However, I did nothing to exercise any change.
So, the Universe stepped in. It literally shook me by the arms hinting: „You are going the wrong path. I have something better in store for you”.
It was a kind of relationship like a one-night stand dragging for two years.
Superficial, no intimate connection. It revolved around security. The other person served as a safe board, with no prospect of rescue. However, I did not feel heartbroken. I felt alone.
***
Change how you look at things, and they will serve you.
Abandonment does not represent failure. It does not state your worth. I think many people miss that point.
It is a redirection, a change of course to the path of your soul’s purpose.
Think about it. If it had not been for the previous breakup, you would not have met your current partner.
I would have not evolved the way I was encouraged to.
Wasn’t I driven by anger? Sure. Didn’t I want to punish him for the way I felt in the wake of his leaving? With every ounce of my body.
Hadn’t I fallen prey to distractions? Of course. I ventured into the realm of alcohol, noisy parties, meeting new people just for the sake of killing time, or should I state: curing my loneliness. When you are hurt, you are at your most vulnerable point, but also the most shaping time of your life. Use it well. Coin it into your grounding force.
Because of the shattered self-worth I found myself in, I have set off in search of feeling whole again. Through trials and errors, I have managed to re-establish my strength anew.
I turned to meditation, yoga, mindful breathing, affirmations and journaling. Popular self-help books did not propel my self-growth journey. Quite the contrary. They only added fuel to my irritation and feeling restless. I needed to mute the surroundings in order to hear my inner wisdom.
If you happen to be stuck in the same loop of frustration towards another person, I want to share a few lessons learnt.
***
Acceptance, as the first step to recovery.
Being honest with yourself requires courage. We often numb ourselves from facing uncomfortable truths of emotions raging inside us. Nowadays, we have more distractions at hand to run away from pent-up feelings. However, honesty with yourself is one of the priceless investments one can make.
The fact did happen.
Instead of running away from the hurt of being abandoned, I took the time to honour my feelings, let them be seen. I was not ashamed of being alone. Loneliness made me stronger.
Feeling helpless, accepting it and owning the emotion to yourself opens up the portal of finding limitless resources of inner power. By admitting my weakness, I got to own it, coining it into my superpower.
When you are hurt, you are at your most vulnerable point, but also the most shaping time of your life.
Once you make peace with the stage of life you are in, your life presents itself as the magnificent flow of ups and downs, graciously carrying you into fulfilling your soul’s potential. I was oblivious to the fact that the relationship stood in the way of my further expansion.
When you are stuck in the victim narrative because of the hurt or unfair treatment of the past, you relinquish the power of designing your new future.
Do not approach the past with emotional baggage. Forge it into wisdom. A treasure chest of information, tales of missteps that transformed you into the person you get to be today.
***
Revenge is not the answer.
Forgiveness was the key. I have learnt to forgive those who ever hurt me. Holding a grudge means attachment to the person’s negative energy. Until you let go of the resentment, you are tied by the unfair judgment of the situation. You are blinded by hatred. It can only become magnified in other areas of your life or the next relationship.
Resentment towards somebody else cannot crush them, but it will definitely destroy you.
Forgiveness means letting go. Granting space and peace to yourself.
I have let go of the need to blame my ex-partner for his actions as he had his burden to carry. It did not explain what he did was right. His reasons behind it were irrelevant to my journey. Crucial was the fact alone. And what I decided to shape it into. Not a victim mode. But a blessing to look in the other direction.
Who is losing when you are stuck in anger?
You.
Anger makes us sick.
Anger makes us closed off.
Anger clouds the perception of our clear judgment.
And clear judgment means acting from the place of love, compassion and understanding.
Break the pattern of the vicious cycle.
When we carry grudges for too long, they manifest as a disease, accidents and hurt. So actually, your resentment towards somebody else cannot crush them, but it will definitely destroy you.
You can love people regardless of their actions. You don’t have to talk to them, care for them physically, but you can send loving thoughts and understanding from afar.
When you can imagine the person who hurt you, see them as thriving while staying truly happy for their success, you become free. You get to move on.
Forgive people because you deserve to thrive. Getting bogged down in resentment will not provide you with long-lasting relief or health, for that matter.
Best revenge? No revenge.
Best response? No reaction.
Why do we condemn somebody in the first place only to deal out revenge later on?
***
I have made a conscious decision to turn the “not good enough” mode off.
Do you blame yourself for the end of the relationship? If so, it means you are willing to burden yourself with somebody else’s weakness. You are not the reason somebody cheats.
Being cheated on, abused, exploited in any way is strictly connected with your partner’s belief about their self-worth. The reason behind the action is dictated by their past hurt, their upbringing. It has no bearing upon your worth until you choose to diminish it. People who need to conquer are driven by the need to dominate. By bringing others down, they seek validation.
Cheating is not a mistake. It is always a choice
Every person has individual assumptions about themselves and the world. Whenever one person hurts the other, it is because they feel not enough; not lovable enough, not worthy enough. Their pain clouds their judgments. And no amount of affection from your side can meet their lack of it unless they are willing to heal themselves.
Nothing about their behaviour has anything to do with you. If it wasn’t for you, it would be somebody else.
Your value is not negotiable. If somebody hurts you, it is because they are unable to care for themselves as well. If somebody cheats, it is because they have wounds that need covering up with scheming and dominating the other partner. You are never the problem. You need to discover your authentic value, which has laid forgotten up to this time.
Cheating is not a mistake. It is always a choice.
***
You have all the right tools to cope.
The sole fact of being lied to, was the reflection of how I cheated on myself. I muted my desire for growth. I have abandoned my needs in the name of false security, the relationship could have never provided me with. This illusion of safety overshadowed my ambition to become more.
You are competent to handle everything the Universe presents you with.
Believing in your self-worth is that powerful. Your perception is your source of magic.
Having low opinion of yourself is not modesty. It is a self-destruction. — Bobbe Sommer
The best approach to cultivate? I can handle it.
Once the belief lays the foundation for your attitude, you uncover the greatest potential and resources: your determination, faith, strength, ability to forgive and move on.
Cultivating your self-esteem encourages you to seek out the best opportunities for your growth, health and sincere relationships.
By mindfully establishing new habits, you open the getaway to a new lifestyle. Your journey is on a new trajectory to self-fulfilling happiness.
***
I could never imagine feeling so good the way I do right now.
By sharing my story, I hope some people will feel less alone after being abandoned. I have been there. Now I am at the best and healthiest place in my life. You can get here too. Not by sprint, but by starting a marathon.
We should lift the veil from sharing our vulnerabilities as they become our strengths. And victories should be celebrated with loud bangs.
You meet people for reasons, for seasons. You can grow and learn from each other. Sometimes, when the purpose is fulfilled, your ways part. And that is a truly wonderful gift we can choose to be grateful for.
Any heartbreak is just a phase. Not a death sentence. Look at it as a huge takeaway to prosper in future relationships. Especially, the one with yourself.
Life experiences are always here for us. They carry wisdom, precious feedback of our emotional state. You can assess them and make changes internally, so that you can manifest externally. Whatever belief you hold within, you will always receive its confirmation in the form of people or experiences.
I know it seems a scary path to stride. I wholeheartedly encourage you to give it a try, though.
Go on. Climb that mountain. You deserve a better view.
—
This post was previously published on Medium.
***
You Might Also Like These From The Good Men Project
Compliments Men Want to Hear More Often | Relationships Aren’t Easy, But They’re Worth It | The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex | ..A Man’s Kiss Tells You Everything |
Join The Good Men Project as a Premium Member today.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.
A $50 annual membership gives you an all access pass. You can be a part of every call, group, class and community.
A $25 annual membership gives you access to one class, one Social Interest group and our online communities.
A $12 annual membership gives you access to our Friday calls with the publisher, our online community.
Register New Account
Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
—
Photo credit: iStock