Being Happy Alone Is the First Step Towards a Healthy Relationship

Alone.

This idea can be scary to many. Humans are social creatures, after all — and we thrive off of meaningful interactions and connections with other people.

But let’s face the truth:

We are all alone.

Think about it. Who, besides yourself, truly understands every experience and every emotion you go through? There might be those who resonate with you, but your experiences in life are unique to you — no one else has lived your life and no one ever will.

Sure, we have other people in our lives: family, friends, colleagues, classmates — and even the person on the saxophone, playing the tunes you bask in whenever you go for a walk in the park… But no matter how well they know you (perhaps they know your deepest secrets, your guilty pleasures, or your favorite cake), they are a part of your life.

When you sit in a room — completely by yourself — you start to realize that you are really on your own in this world.

You are the one who is in your body.

You are the only one who is facing your own life — no one else.

But again, this idea distresses many people. Therefore, in attempts to find a sense of comfort and safety, people become desperate for relationships. Many turn to seeking romantic relationships, though they could try to find other types as well — friendships, for example.

And while people try to search for relationships that fulfill their needs, they often end up in ones that… don’t.

So if you find yourself actively looking for someone to be with, here’s why you should first learn how to be happy alone.

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Photo by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash

When you actively search for relationships, you settle for anything…

…even if it’s not up to your own standards. You subconsciously lower your standards in order to compromise for being in a relationship and to “not be alone”. You might be pleased in the beginning, but over time you will realize that you are not truly fulfilled in this relationship — there may not be a genuine connection between you and the other person, you don’t actually enjoy being around each other, or the relationship might even be toxic. You settle for less and, in a healthy relationship, you should not need to lower your standards or give up your personal values just to be around another person.

You will be stronger…

…as you will be more emotionally independent. It’s not that other people cannot and should not bring you any happiness — in fact, you want to surround yourself with people that you have fun with, are comfortable being with, and who bring you happiness in life. But if you are able to enjoy your own company and feel content spending time alone, then you will know that your happiness is not solely dependent on other people. This removes the fear of abandonment in relationships. You won’t try to cling on too hard to something that’s not right for you. Instead you will know that, no matter how much pain you feel or hardship you experience, you will be able to handle it and push through.

You can build a healthy relationship…

…because it started on the right foundation. You do not go looking for the first person who is willing to form a relationship with you. No. When someone comes into your life, you feel a real connection and you get to truly know them as a person. You know that your personalities match very well, you have shared values, and you will know when someone really cares about and values you. You will know to make decisions based on what is best for you and the other person. Then, along with the other person’s decision, you get to decide whether or not you want to form or keep a relationship in your life.

. . .

It’s okay to want people in your life, and it’s okay to want a relationship. But if the only reason you want these is because you are afraid of or don’t enjoy being by yourself, then it might do you more harm than good.

By being happy alone, you will be able to keep the relationships that are healthy and meaningful. With or without other people by your side, you will be able to focus on what truly matters to you and grow as a person.

Hopefully the idea of being alone won’t seem as daunting.

And if the thought of being alone ever does bother you, remember the saying:

Alone, not lonely.

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This post was previously published on Hello, Love.

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