There is nothing like growing up knowing that your parents always have your back. The question is, how do we interact with them so that they trust us and can tell us everything that is going on in their lives… so that we can actually know enough about what’s going on to be there to protect them.
Can You Handle the Truth?
Years ago, a couple brought their teenage daughter to me for family counselling. They were concerned because they knew that she was hiding who she was hanging out with and what she was doing. They suspected that she was doing drugs and “getting into trouble” and they were just sick of her lying to them.
Well, I knew the kids that she was hanging around with (it was a small town) and yes, for sure, they were doing all kinds of things that would make a parent’s skin crawl.
I looked at the parents and said, “What would you do if she told you the truth? What if she told you who she was hanging out with and that they were doing drugs?”
They replied, “We would ground her and not let her hang out with them.”
I replied, “So, why would she tell you the truth?”
It is important to understand that each of us desires freedom above all. Their daughter was going to hang out with these kids no matter what. She was going to experiment with drugs and other things whether her parents approved of her choices or not.
So, as a parent, what do you want your role to be? Do you want to be the parent that criticizes and grounds them?
Or do you want to be the one that says, “Hey honey, if you ever find yourself in a situation where you are uncomfortable or scared, call me — night or day. I’ll come get you — no questions asked.”
As a teen, that is knowing that you have someone protecting you.
Listen When They Are Young
This kind of trust doesn’t happen overnight. It begins when they are very young and first start expressing themselves.
There is an old way of thinking that a parent’s role is to shape the minds of our children — that it is our job to mould them into “model citizens”.
This is the number one way to make sure our children never tell us anything real that’s going on in their lives. This is the best way to send them the message that how they look on the outside to everyone else is more important than the truth of who they are inside.
My son was born when I was 25-years-old. I remember looking at him and realizing that I was only 25 years older than he was. In the scheme of the universe, we were practically the same age. Did I really know more than this new little human? Was I really so wise that I would be able to guide him on his journey?
My fear of doing the wrong thing and having him end up on a psychiatrist’s couch one day talking about how his mother messed him up, kept me very humble as a parent. I was very conscious that I barely knew what was the right next step for me in my life, let alone what the right choices were for my children.
And so, I chose to simply be their safe place in the world. I chose to be their protector. I chose to be the person that they could always talk to without judgement or lecture — they would get enough of that “out there” in the world.
As they grew up, I was actually quite fascinated by how they saw things. My children were extremely different — polar opposites. This was my first clue that my influence on them was limited anyway. Their souls had journeys to take regardless of whatever my thoughts, fears or hopes might have been.
And so, my experience of them became more like an observer. I imagined that my children were like acorns and within them were the blueprints for how they could grow into the majestic oak trees that they were meant to be.
My job was to simply to make sure they had enough room to grow, sunlight, soil, and rain.
It takes incredible faith to allow our children to have all the experiences (wonderful and difficult) that they need to have to become the people they truly are. But when we allow them to trust their own inner truth, they know deep down that we are totally on their side and there for them no matter what.
This creates the most wonderful trusting bond… every parent’s dream. Nothing feels better than that.
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This post was previously published on Medium.
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