Beware the ‘Nesters’ Ruining Modern Dating

No one seems to understand what ‘casual’ dating is anymore. Or rather, straight men have redefined what ‘casual’ means so that they can reap the emotional benefits of affection, sex, and intimacy without feeling obliged to reciprocate those things.

A few years ago, casual dating used to just mean sex. You’d make a booty call, skip the small talk, and not discuss feelings. Everyone knew what was happening and craving anything deeper was elective self-torture. Now, the fast-paced, superficial world of online dating has collided with good old-fashioned toxic masculinity. You know, that force that belittles men for having feelings and equates frequent sex as the only expression of male heterosexuality.

The result is that today, ‘casual’ has taken on a second form in the dating world; men who ‘nest’. Nesting is where men treat women like they’re in a relationship, expecting those women to know that it will never lead to one. You know, it’s the guys who date women for a few months at a time; seeking intimacy, support, and emotional connection but who spit out their food when you interpret that as anything other than ‘casual’.

Let me be clear. If you seek intimacy and enjoy emotional support from a woman, it’s not ‘casual’, even if you don’t want a future with her. A label doesn’t change what something is. Calling an apple a lemon won’t stop you from tasting something sweet when you take a bite.

Of course, women can be nesters too. However, there’s one key difference between male and female nesters; female nesters usually only end up hurting themselves. It’s because there’s a default assumption that women always want something serious and men do not. Obviously, that’s entirely untrue. Yet it does mean that men are taught to clock the ‘early warning signs’ of women ‘catching feelings’ and are told to respond by escaping. Women are in turn told to reward men for being able to express those same feelings they themselves are punished for.

One of the main problems with ‘nesters’ is the vast difference between how men and women are socialised, particularly in heterosexual relationships. Women have been taught their whole lives to be accommodating, nurturing, and flexible to others’ needs. On the inverse, society rarely encourages men to consider how their actions might make people feel. In fact, we’ll punish men from accessing their emotions at all, which is helpful to no one.

Nesting arises because the world discourages men from admitting that they crave the intimacy women are trained to provide. This means that male nesters are often left with the unexpected escalation of their relationships after a few months. It escalates because these men will unwittingly chase an emotional connection without stopping to think about the ramifications. Why would they? Society has never burdened men with the chief responsibility of doing emotional labour. The nesters then find themselves overwhelmed, ill-prepared, and sometimes terrified at the sudden need to address their own feelings, as well as their responsibility for someone else’s. It’s a complete mess.

The second problem with male nesters is the serial nature of this behaviour. Because toxicity encourages men to express their sexuality via the frequency of sex, nesters inevitably move quickly from quasi girlfriend to quasi girlfriend, perpetuating a vicious cycle. They leave a trail of empty, ruffled nests in their wake until time–or a woman–catches up with them.

Hopefully, it happens early. Society can only force men to suppress their emotions for so long before a realisation about their behavior causes an overwhelming flood of confusion, regret, and existentialism. With the right friends, focus, and therapist, a lot of people can break the cycle on their own. It’s hard work, but it’s good work. And you can do this either single or in a relationship, as long as you make it your own responsibility.

However, there is an easier solution for everyone: honesty and clarity. Whatever pain and awkwardness you think you’re avoiding by being unclear, you’re causing more of it by avoidance. You can make what you’re looking for clear without making it a ‘thing’. Dating apps even have a dang button that asks if you’re looking for a relationship. On the first few dates, both parties have countless opportunities to ask what the other is looking for. And if you haven’t had the conversation after a few months; it’s either because you’re having your cake and eating it too, or because you don’t want to admit that you’re someone else’s cake.

Nesting is an unfortunate manifestation of gender roles in the hetero dating world, and while we can’t resolve toxic masculinity or the superficiality of online dating single-handedly, we can be more honest and conscious about how we treat the people we date. And yes, being honest about what you want might mean that it takes longer to find the right person, but it’s always the better option.

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This post was previously published on Hello, Love.

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