Janet D. Thomas shares how “boys don’t cry” is an old idea whose time has come to shift.
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Could you retire if you got a dollar every time you heard the phrase, “Be a big boy and stop crying?” I know I could. In fact, when I was a little girl I would hear moms saying that to their little boys all of the time and I’d take heed as well. “Gee, crying is really a bad thing,” I’d think. All I wanted to be was good and obedient, so I didn’t cry.
For decades I kept my pain inside. I didn’t express it and I certainly didn’t talk about it. Yet, all that holding in of my emotions resulted in the pain becoming so great that I almost took my own life. And, when I decided to stay on the planet, I knew I needed to heal for real if I was going to live a quality life.
Interestingly enough for me, a significant part of my healing process was crying. A lot. A whole, whole lot. In time, I came to realize that there was nothing to fear when emotion – sadness, grief, disappointment or anger – surged inside of me. I learned that emotions have a predictable cycle, just like ocean waves. Ocean waves build and rise, they crash to the shore, then they retreat. They never stay stuck and always resolve themselves. I discovered that my emotions act in the same way. When I allowed myself to feel whatever I was feeling without judgment, it shifted in no time.
What a revelation! My goodness, it felt like I hit a gold mine because I finally learned that emotions weren’t a bad thing, and I learned to embrace and release them safely. In time I found that my ability to express joy, happiness and to feel contentment increased as well.
By the time my son was a toddler, then a boy, when he naturally expressed his emotions, I didn’t stop him. I educated him. I told him to not fear or judge his emotions, but to release them safely. I told him that he’d be misunderstood, get in trouble with others (and possibly the law) if he expressed them inappropriately, so I gave him examples of how to release his anger, sadness, disappointment or whatever – safely. I told him to act as if he already knew that he would be understood after expressing himself appropriately, and by worldly standards, my guidance to him seems to have worked out okay.
As parents, when we ourselves are comfortable with our emotions, we have a better ability to help our sons understand their emotions. We are invited to pave the path of embracing emotions so that we can break that old mold of “Big Boys Don’t Cry” with our beautiful boys. It is an old idea whose time has come to shift so that we can learn to peacefully co-exist; so that we create a saner world for future generations. With us, here and now, is where it starts.
Make no mistake about it, breaking the old mold can feel crazy-making. We fear our sons will become “soft” and “fragile” in ways that we think might be contrary to the skill-set they will need in order to navigate our challenging world. It feels counter-intuitive that the ability to cry brings strength, but in my own experience I have found that it’s true. It also helps our sons express joy and happiness when they feel it as well, giving them permission to experience themselves more fully.
Take stock of your own emotional health. Do you allow your emotions to be okay without judging them? Do you have safe ways of expressing them, with harm to none, including yourself? If awareness of your own emotional health is in its infant stage, allow it to be okay that you and your son grow into the understanding together. And, rest assured that your kids will continue to test your ability to release emotion safely! I applaud you for your love and courage as you navigate the ever-dynamic journey of parenthood.
Photo: TheBetHox/Flickr
Janet, You’ve captured eloquently how important it is for boys and men to acknowledge our emotions and be able to release them. Sadness is valid and can sometimes only be expressed through tears. You took me back to a piece I wrote in August 2012 for GMP. https://goodmenproject.com/families/the-good-life-boys-do-cry-and-men-do-too/
Thank you for your thought-provoking insights. Getting comfortable with your emotions can be quite a journey and takes courage given that we are so conditioned against doing it. When I talk about the idea of “with harm to none, including yourself,” it certainly means exercising discernment and protecting yourself when necessary. Honoring your emotional self is, first and foremost, a very personal exercise. Someone else may not understand you, yet when you acknowledge and understand yourself first, you’re home free.
As much as I appreciate and value your site and the things you say, I’m looking for a man to post about raising boys. I want the perspective that only a man (a former boy) can give. Do you know of a man who is blogging about manhood for boys in a quality way?
Yes it is time that men relate to and connect to their emotions and feelings. Men and women both need to acquire a new language and a way of being to retreat and respect themselves. Men and women need to educate others how to treat and respect them. It’s a process, not a destination. This is not a he or she issue, it is an issue that has plagued human beings forever. The deeper or core issue is that we don’t like ourselves and we turn our unhappiness inward and hide it from the world.
Things must be changing …. I just completed a weekend retreat for men. Through a series of presenters who related their life stories and follow up discussions, tissues were often used. We had almost 30 men in the retreat and the stories they told were astounding and very moving. Age group went from 20 something to well into their 50’s. From white collar professionals to laborers. The most moving was when we all received letters from parishioners and family. We were given the letters and handed a box of tissues and told we’ll probably need the tissues …. oh yeah,… Read more »
All emotions, including sadness and grief, overwhelm, helplessness, are part of our intelligence. Not using certain feelings is like ignoring the skin sense that tells us when things are hot or sharp. Dumbing down emotionally brings more pain and suffering. Expressing our feelings is not different than the digestion of food. The same thing that happens when food hangs up in the system and is left unprocessed, also happens with emotions.
@ Steven Big boys do cry in very rare occasions but not in public or at least , basically the act itself is not something to be proud of, regardless of the culture or country in the 40 yrs + that I have lived in this world in 4 continents and over 82 countries with various cultures , religions and histories , past and present its looked upon as a weakness when men cry and I don’t think not crying in itself is a problem , not facing or accepting the simple fact that life is not a bed of… Read more »
That was a good piece. I’ve not cried since being a teenager. I never thought I would long to be able to cry. but I remember the incredible emotional release and relief that crying would bring me. My mantra these days is “regulate your emotions”, it usually annoys me when I see people get emotional, I think I deny others the right to their feelings as I deny myself the right to my feelings. I recently went through a painful breakup but as a man I don’t feel like I can share my pain with others, I think both men… Read more »