Big Boys Do Cry

Janet D. Thomas shares how “boys don’t cry” is an old idea whose time has come to shift.

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Could you retire if you got a dollar every time you heard the phrase, “Be a big boy and stop crying?” I know I could. In fact, when I was a little girl I would hear moms saying that to their little boys all of the time and I’d take heed as well. “Gee, crying is really a bad thing,” I’d think. All I wanted to be was good and obedient, so I didn’t cry.

For decades I kept my pain inside. I didn’t express it and I certainly didn’t talk about it. Yet, all that holding in of my emotions resulted in the pain becoming so great that I almost took my own life. And, when I decided to stay on the planet, I knew I needed to heal for real if I was going to live a quality life.

Interestingly enough for me, a significant part of my healing process was crying. A lot. A whole, whole lot. In time, I came to realize that there was nothing to fear when emotion – sadness, grief, disappointment or anger – surged inside of me. I learned that emotions have a predictable cycle, just like ocean waves. Ocean waves build and rise, they crash to the shore, then they retreat. They never stay stuck and always resolve themselves. I discovered that my emotions act in the same way. When I allowed myself to feel whatever I was feeling without judgment, it shifted in no time.

What a revelation! My goodness, it felt like I hit a gold mine because I finally learned that emotions weren’t a bad thing, and I learned to embrace and release them safely. In time I found that my ability to express joy, happiness and to feel contentment increased as well.

By the time my son was a toddler, then a boy, when he naturally expressed his emotions, I didn’t stop him.  I educated him. I told him to not fear or judge his emotions, but to release them safely. I told him that he’d be misunderstood, get in trouble with others (and possibly the law) if he expressed them inappropriately, so I gave him examples of how to release his anger, sadness, disappointment or whatever – safely. I told him to act as if he already knew that he would be understood after expressing himself appropriately, and by worldly standards, my guidance to him seems to have worked out okay.

As parents, when we ourselves are comfortable with our emotions, we have a better ability to help our sons understand their emotions. We are invited to pave the path of embracing emotions so that we can break that old mold of “Big Boys Don’t Cry” with our beautiful boys. It is an old idea whose time has come to shift so that we can learn to peacefully co-exist; so that we create a saner world for future generations. With us, here and now, is where it starts.

Make no mistake about it, breaking the old mold can feel crazy-making. We fear our sons will become “soft” and “fragile” in ways that we think might be contrary to the skill-set they will need in order to navigate our challenging world. It feels counter-intuitive that the ability to cry brings strength, but in my own experience I have found that it’s true. It also helps our sons express joy and happiness when they feel it as well, giving them permission to experience themselves more fully.

Take stock of your own emotional health. Do you allow your emotions to be okay without judging them? Do you have safe ways of expressing them, with harm to none, including yourself? If awareness of your own emotional health is in its infant stage, allow it to be okay that you and your son grow into the understanding together. And, rest assured that your kids will continue to test your ability to release emotion safely! I applaud you for your love and courage as you navigate the ever-dynamic journey of parenthood.

Photo: TheBetHox/Flickr