Big Little Lies: The Lessons We Learn

Big Little Lies taught us some interesting and useful lessons by the end of Season 1. The HBO series, with its star-studded cast including Nicole Kidman, Reese Witherspoon, Laura Dern, Zoe Kravitz and Alexander Skarsgard, is set in Monterey, California, and explores the everyday dilemmas and life-threatening traumas modern women face.

Transcript provided by Youtube:

00:04
Big Little Lies is a story about how women relate to one another– be it by fighting,
00:08
bonding, or a little bit of both.
00:10
[This is Monterey.
00:12
We pound people with nice.]
00:13
[To death.]
00:14
In the first season, the characters learn some insightful lessons about friendships
00:18
and life that we, too, can internalize.
00:21
If we stop dividing everyone into ‘Us vs. Them’; if we reveal our scary secrets while seeking help
00:27
from friends; and if we give up those ideal images in our head while accepting the choices
00:31
we’ve made; we could all end up united and stronger together having fun on the beach..
00:37
[I’m on your side, woman!]
00:38
So let’s look at some of the lessons we learned from season one of Big Little Lies.
00:45
As we enter Monterey, Jane — the younger, less wealthy, and less polished newcomer –serves
00:51
as a surrogate for us.
00:52
We instantly feel out of place right alongside her, not good enough to be part of this world.
00:58
[You guys are just right. You’re exactly right.
01:01
And for some reason, that makes me feel wrong I guess.]
01:05
The setting of Big Little Lies is an idyllic paradise, and its inhabitants feel a great
01:10
pressure to be as perfect as the view.
01:12
[Sometimes I’m just holding onto this idea of perfection…so tight.
01:18
Something has to give.]
01:22
We get countless shots of a character staring out at a breathtaking vista, holding a glass
01:27
of wine, while unable to appreciate the beauty before her and stuck replaying some stress
01:31
from the day in her mind.
01:33
The characters’ exhausting pursuit of perfection applies to their looks and fearing the loss
01:37
of youth; to their careers and wealth; and to their families and domestic bliss.
01:42
Yet as the show progresses, all of the characters realize that chasing such perfection
01:46
is hurting their hopes for real happiness.
01:48
Madeline thinks she wants something more exciting in her life, but the series reminds us that
01:52
she’s at her happiest with Ed.
01:54
Renata is finally able to relax and make friends once she accepts that she can’t be an infallible
01:59
mother who protects her daughter from all risks.
02:02
Celeste, most of all, has to overcome that siren of perfection because she does appear from
02:07
the outside, appear to have it all. She’s introduced to us as others see her — as the prettiest, richest, smartest
02:12
woman in town with the most handsome husband and a sex life to match.
02:16
So she has to let go of this dearly held image of herself.
02:20
It’s only without her picture-perfect husband that she can finally smile on the beach.
02:25
In the sequence that intercuts Jane’s and Celeste’s very different styles of making
02:29
dinner, the irony is not just that these women have both been attacked by Perry, but also
02:34
that — while Celeste’s life appears so together, she is actually, of all the people
02:38
we’ve met, in the most dire, real peril.
02:41
Jane comes to realize that all these perfect people are anything but, so we should stop judging
02:45
ourselves so harshly and holding ourselves to these impossible standards.
02:50
[You’re not perfect, welcome to the club.
02:52
We’re all fucked up.]
02:54
Of course, the show is encouraging us to feel the same relief of knowing that the rich and
02:59
fabulous aren’t nearly as happy as we might imagine.
03:07
Madeline MacKenzie both brings people together and draws lines in the sand.
03:11
She’s a fiercely loyal, well-intentioned, and generous friend.
03:15
[Well I like you already.
03:16
You’re an intrinsically nice person.]
03:18
But she’s also eager to pick sides and contend with other strong female types:
03:22
[You know, sometimes I think it’s like us against them.
03:25
The career mommies.]
03:26
We’re drawn into Madeline’s ranks, rooting for victory in her war, convinced
03:30
by Madeline to immediately dislike new characters.
03:33
[Okay, Gabby is such a gossip, we don’t like her.]
03:35
Bonnie and Renata are each initially presented as the “other” woman who’s not on our
03:40
side — Bonnie because she’s married to Madeline’s ex, and
03:43
Renata because of her aggressive reaction to her daughter’s getting hurt.
03:46
[Honey, mommy is getting very upset. I’m getting very, very upset.]
03:53
What’s curious about our initial reactions to these characters, though, is that they’re
03:57
both types of women who, in theory, we should be applauding.
04:01
We mimic Madeline’s harsh snap judgments.
04:03
Given our society’s biases, it’s easy for us to dislike a high-powered, strong-minded
04:07
businesswoman.
04:08
But over time, with Madeline, we start to see inside Renata’ view and we realize she’s
04:14
reacting to the pressures of facing a world that resents her.
04:17
[I said I’m not liked….You should’ve seen the way they looked at me today.]
04:20
Her response to her daughter being physically abused in school is actually pretty close to how many scared
04:26
mothers might deal with that problem.
04:28
And Renata wins over Madeline– and us– by proving wise enough to take ownership of her
04:33
mistakes.
04:34
[I’m so sorry.
04:35
I’ve treated you and your little boy so badly.]
04:37
[It’s okay. It takes a really big person to apologize like that.
04:42
You’re a very big person.]
04:44
Bonnie is a character that we really should like from the start, because she’s portrayed
04:48
as a whole person, fulfilled by work and love, and invested in bringing
04:51
people together.
04:52
[We should get Skye and Chloe together for a playdate.
04:56
They’re half sisters -and they pretty much never see each other. It’s ridiculous.]
04:59
[Are they?
05:00
Am I missing the math?]
05:01
But thanks to Madeline, we distrust Bonnie’s seeming perfection and question her motives.
05:06
Near the end, when Bonnie is revealed as Perry’s killer and the group’s savior, we like her
05:11
more because we’ve seen the emotional rawness in her.
05:14
Her positive worldview, which we once smirked at, takes on more depth because
05:18
she’s chosen to look at the world this way. According to the source novel that’s in spite of having
05:23
lived through her father’s abuse of her mother.
05:25
[None of us really sees things as they are.
05:27
We see things as we are.]
05:28
Bonnie’s right, and “we” are trained to divide.
05:31
We’re trained so effectively that categorizing people into an instinctive “Us
05:35
vs. Them” is often an automatic, subconscious impulse.
05:38
The show very intentionally pits us against Bonnie and Renata, only to make us question why we were so eager
05:45
to dislike these women for their strengths.
05:47
Just as the show portrays the horrors of physical violence, it also shows Madeline questioning her
05:52
go-to tactics of participating in verbal and emotional violence, needing to make enemies,
05:57
and approaching life as a competition.
06:00
The key lesson that Celeste and Jane learn is that hiding the truth is what really weakens us.
06:05
It’s only when we let out what we see as our worst secrets that we can be free of them,
06:10
and move on in our lives.
06:11
[We have this…dirty secret.]
06:17
Celeste refuses to accept that she’s a “victim,” so she convinces herself that she can handle
06:22
everything on her own.
06:23
[It’s alright– I’m fine.]
06:25
She obscures the truth from the doctor…
06:27
[Are we talking about a physical expression of anger?]
06:30
[No.]
06:31
…and she completely alters the reality when explaining it to her closest friend.
06:35
[Sometimes I think that he likes to fight because it leads to sex.
06:41
Sometimes I think I like it too.]
06:45
[I have to say, Celeste, that sounds a little bit twisted…but kinda great too.]
06:52
Yet Celeste can’t get herself out of danger just through private stoicism.
06:57
And it’s only when Celeste’s big secret is thrust into public view that she can finally
07:01
live without fear.
07:02
Jane — the victim of abuse from the same man — shares Celeste’s instinct to hide the
07:07
trauma she’s experienced.
07:09
She’s a personal foil to Madeline in that Jane’s go-to strategy is to stay out of things.
07:14
The first time we see her, she’s hesitant to get our of her car and help Madeline.
07:18
[Should we make sure the lady’s okay?]
07:22
[Yeah.]
07:24
But she realizes that she needs to set a good example for her son Ziggy.
07:28
Jane has to fight her instinctive isolation –and in doing so she gains allies and a richer
07:33
life.
07:34
As she succeeds in being more socially open, she meanwhile learns to stop running from her emotions,
07:39
and owns her anger and sadness about what happened to her .
07:42
[Have you talked to anybody about this, like a therapist or a counselor?]
07:46
[You’re the first person I’ve ever told.]
07:50
Significantly, once she tells Madeline about Ziggy’s father, she’s suddenly able to
07:54
notice men and imagine new relationships.
07:56
[Ever since I told you about Ziggy’s dad, it’s like this thing that’s been happening to my body.
08:02
Like it’s wanting to wake up again or something.]
08:05
Both Celeste and Jane gets support from their allies in the climactic final battle of the first season,
08:10
illustrating that what can ultimately save us is to open up and allow others to help.
08:16
The closing montage of Big Little Lies suggests that contentment is within our reach, if we
08:21
learn to accept the choices we’ve made.
08:23
In therapy terms, this is called Radical Acceptance: which basically means being okay with reality as it is,
08:29
and not worrying about what you can’t change.
08:32
Madeline is initially shown to be unfulfilled by her role as a stay-at-home mom.
08:36
[You have a another chapter, you have a business. I don’t. I’m a mom. This is my universe.]
08:46
Her anger toward her enemies isn’t just about what they’ve done to wrong her,
08:50
but also betrays her insecurities and fears of inadequacy.
08:53
She can relate to Celeste, who gave up her career to raise her family, but these
08:57
other women represent a life path that Madeline wonders if she should have taken.
09:02
And because Madeline worries that she’s made the wrong choices, she lashes out with self-destructive
09:07
behavior.
09:08
Madeline and Celeste both feel great relief when they acknowledge to each other that — as
09:12
much as they love their children — motherhood doesn’t fill their every need
09:16
and it can’t be their whole lives.
09:17
[I feel so ashamed for saying this, but being a mother is not enough for me. It’s just not.]
09:24
Meanwhile, Renata also questions whether she’s made a mistake through the opposite choice:
09:29
prioritizing career over full-time childcare.
09:31
[What kind of person chooses to work.
09:33
Certainly not a mother.
09:35
By any acceptable standards.]
09:37
Both women might envy the other for making the “right choices,” but the story teaches
09:42
that there is no such thing.
09:44
Any path is going to have downsides, and neither parenting nor career success in itself is
09:48
going to be everything.
09:50
The show suggests that the happiness
09:52
we can enjoy comes from togetherness, accepting our choices and our limits, and not being
09:57
a slave to impossible expectations of perfection.
10:00
Our joy in life might not be where we expected to find it.
10:04
If there’s one all-inclusive lesson that Big Little Lies’ first season boils down
10:08
to, it’s that we should help each other and bond together.
10:11
Because even though one villain is gone, the voyeuristic final shot implies a new threat
10:15
rising against the women of Monterey.
10:17
[Who knows what lies out there beneath the surface.]
10:23
[Monsters?]
10:24
[Monsters, maybe.
10:25
Dreams.
10:26
Sunken treasures.
10:28
It’s the great unknown.]