Teammates and parents patted Ethan on the shoulder while showering him with congratulations. He was slightly confused with such adulations, as approval is still new turf for him. He smiles and gives polite “thanks” mixed with clearly expressed puzzlement at the attention directed his way.
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He looked at me, and with an expression of amazement, asked, “did you see them blocking for me?”
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I too added my praise when all had left and the football field had cleared out. I remarked on his great game and marveled at his touchdown that inspired and gave his team, who are not very good, a rare reason to celebrate.
He looked at me, and with an expression of amazement, asked, “did you see them blocking for me?”
Ethan’s life had been devoid of blockers. Until recently.
Like many kids who come to Tennyson Center for Children, his tumultuous childhood journey has been one of tackling and violence, rather than support and blocking. 10-year old Ethan, like 92% of the kids who come to Tennyson, has suffered from more than four significant traumatic events that would upend even the sturdiest adult.
Ethan has recollections of over 10 significant traumatic events. His parents’ addiction created a hostile home, with strangers entering and leaving, causing lasting damage. He has been bounced mercilessly across the child welfare system (with 8 placements prior to Tennyson) in ways that would traumatize any adult.
He entered Tennyson Center with a bravado that failed to mask his fear, his underlying sense of abandonment, his unprocessed trauma, and the profound shame and deep loneliness that haunts him.
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There is little question that kids’ distress is more significant today than it was in past decades.
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We have seen kids in crisis for decades at Tennyson Center, but there is little question that kids’ distress is more significant today than it was in past decades. Child welfare agencies are seeing kids with more complex behavioral challenges, more upheaval and less permanency, and more profound trauma than ever before. Caseloads grow across the state at unprecedented levels – 14 kids enter the Colorado child welfare system every day.
Many had given up on Ethan, as is the case for most kids who come to Tennyson. They are labelled as problem kids, stigmatized as impossible to work with and harder to place as they burn out foster, group, or residential facilities with extreme behaviors resulting from unprocessed trauma.
Children that bounce around the child welfare system, as Ethan has, too often take their trauma and isolation to adulthood, with grave consequences. Adults who travelled through child welfare are disproportionately homeless, rarely finish high school let alone college, and suffer from outrageously high levels of PTSD, addiction, incarceration and suicide when compared to the rest of society.
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What these kids need are likely and unlikely blockers who help them process their trauma.
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What these kids need are likely and unlikely blockers who help them process their trauma, help them understand what is not their fault, and purposely hold them accountable for their adaptive behaviors that, while extreme, have probably kept them alive through the horrors of their journeys.
Kids that society has discarded need and deserve blockers who see their gold and beauty, blockers who are willing to work in the margins and collaborate with them on healing journeys that transcend an individual child and help us all heal.
Ethan’s Court Appointed Special Advocate (CASA) is perhaps the only adult who consistently advocated and stood with him as he bounced through the system. A healthy and present adult offering solace and guidance along a completely disrupted journey.
The Boys & Girls Club of Metro Denver blocked as well, welcoming a kid onto teams and not judging him for living in residential care. Ethan learned valuable lessons about teamwork, and blocked for others as they blocked for him.
Parents on the sidelines, who had no clue about this boy’s journey, cheered him on by name to his great surprise. The praise from strangers that joyously and freely flowed to a boy who only knew blame had a profound impact on his healing.
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They saw beyond his labels to an incredibly gifted child.
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Staff at Tennyson blocked for him by focusing on his immense strengths and hard won resilience. They saw beyond his labels to an incredibly gifted child who just needed support to be truly unleashed.
Denver’s District 1 Police Department proved unlikely blockers as well – showing Ethan how police are friends and allies especially to those most troubled.
His biggest blockers were other children at Tennyson Center who are themselves processing significant trauma and abandonment. Ethan’s journey took a positive turn when his peers hosted a restorative justice session with him after he destroyed their watermelons in Tennyson’s healing garden.
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The session overflowed with honesty, love, care, and compassion that few of these kids had experienced themselves.
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Ten children sat with him and spoke about how his actions hurt them, undermined their healing and disrupted their journeys. The session overflowed with honesty, love, care, and compassion that few of these kids had experienced themselves. Ethan listened and owned his actions in a way that opened up new paths to growth.
New paths with new blockers.
Ethan rolled his ankle badly at his last football game. He hobbled to the sidelines in the arms of coaches who had his back, and sat at the end of the bench while his team fought on without him. Two adults walked up to Ethan and sat with their arms around him. These parents would be his new blockers, recently deciding to adopt him instead of fostering as they recognized that he completed their family.
Ethan put his sweaty head on his new mom’s shoulder, and I saw his body shake as tears slowly flowed. I sense this had little to do with his ankle and everything to do with him finally feeling welcomed.
We live in a society that too often tackles and punches rather than blocks, and we are less because of it.
Yet there is hope, as Ethan’s story suggests. Kids on the margins, like Ethan, can find new pathways forward against the hate that fills the air, in unison with unusual allies who teach us all about how to build a better world.
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Photo Credit: Getty Images
