When we talk about difficult emotions, we often point to “negative” ones like sadness, anger, or envy. However, in my experience, joy and gratefulness can be quite difficult, too. We brush by moments of uplift and beauty because we are in a hurry, don’t feel we deserve it, or even feel threatened by the flush of goodness.
Just after college, I worked as a waiter at a very expensive restaurant in New Haven. High on the waitstaff totem pole was an ex-actor named Robert who, despite a considerable paunch, could do a full split in his all-white uniform. He also did lots of cocaine in the bathroom on Friday and Saturday nights (which, now that I think of it, might be related to all those splits). Robert called me “Chad” after a New York Jets quarterback, who he said I resembled. The restaurant was a shark-filled environment where it wasn’t safe for a 22-year-old liberal arts grad to walk around with a grin. “What the fuck are you smiling about?”
Having worked at a few restaurants over the years, I became familiar with the practice of “looking busy.” One had to always be moving so their peers didn’t notice, and so management didn’t give them something to do.
Sadly, I’ve continued some of these habits over the years.
My subway stop is at the top of the tallest hill in Brooklyn and when I finally climb the last stair, I am on a wide, tree-lined avenue with a baseball field to my left and an expansive sky above. Mostly though, it goes unregistered as I lumber toward responsibilities at home: dishes, putting the kids to bed, emails.
My daughters are growing up incredibly fast. Watching my youngest daughter totter down the sidewalk or listening to my first grader start to read are moments brimming with meaning and pleasure. As we all know, however, it’s hard to interrupt our constant mental striving to truly appreciate what is in front of us.
To feel joy or gratitude, one needs to drop their agenda for a moment. How else can you be filled with the experience?
Whether or not you were called Chad by a middle-aged bully who could do a full split, we have all been conditioned to not relish or feel. Perhaps it’s our Judeo-Christian complications around pleasure, the Puritan work ethic, or some other wish not to be seen. Regardless, a joyful life is not one in which all the “negative” emotions have been eliminated, but one in which we cultivate contentment. Research psychologists have proven that the quickest way to increase personal happiness is to develop a daily gratitude practice.
At the end of the day, research shows that even just writing down three things you are grateful for will boost your happiness.
A recent example:
“-Ice Water
-Doo-wop singers on the F train
-The ability to walk through the park”
Try this for two weeks and I bet you will start – within your day – to conscientiously pause and appreciate more.
Take it from me,
Chad
~~~
Photo by Andre Hunter on Unsplash