Boundaries for Fearful Avoidants: Build Security in Your Relationships

When I write articles, I often write from the perspective of someone dating the opposing attachment style.

We don’t get to consistently speak about the advice I would give to someone making the transition toward secure attachment.

The first step is admitting you would like to make a change.

Cliche, I know.

The second step is establishing healthy boundaries and needs as you work through your relationship with yourself.

Don’t worry, I am here to support you.

When most people hear they are dealing with someone working through their attachment style, they scream, “Run at all costs.”

Yes, that makes total sense. If someone you’re dating isn’t perfect, you should bolt off.

I share a different philosophy. When someone is working through their attachment style, and there is a mutual understanding that the process is not days to weeks but months to years, then show some grace toward their effort.

It is your job to identify what will help you through the process by locking down some boundaries and needs that respect your partner’s patience and show them a vision of the NEAR future.

Put in the work so we can pave a healthy path forward for you.

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If you have followed my writing or learned about attachment styles, you know the fearful-avoidant is the hot and cold attachment style.

You are balancing the feeling of wanting to let someone in and the resistance to “exposing yourself.”

When you are in the pull-back of exposing yourself, you desire to let someone into your space but fear that you are trusting someone too early.

The first boundary is to establish a healthy need for space. No, that does not mean you get to retreat to isolation and independence where you feel comfortable.

Set a cadence or timeline for receiving information from your partner, process your thoughts, and return to the table for healthy dialogue.

A good practice is to have communication that addresses the “elephant in the room” and sets a time to work through what is happening.

Your retreat to isolation does not stem from a lack of care or compassion. You aren’t great at processing, and the avoidant side comes out.

When you don’t have the same emotional burden as your partner, it feels unrelatable and doesn’t rank high on your priority list.

Take a second to think, and you will understand that your partner is sharing an experience with you. You don’t have to be a hero who solves the problem.

Listen, process, and take the time to think before shutting down.

Middle ground

The fearful-avoidant is constantly on a seesaw because a part of you is avoidant while the other side is anxious.

When you retreat to isolation, you thrive independently.

When you are overwhelmed, anxiety takes over, and you need reassurance that you are not losing it.

It can be one of the more frustrating dynamics to deal with internally. One reaction derives from one side of the spectrum and pushes you toward the other.

How do we set a boundary that respects both angles? Now is when you reflect on your needs and understand that the boundary is working through both sides.

Yes, that is vague, but let’s dig in.

When you feel overwhelmed, it can cause an outburst, which most likely won’t be received well. The boundary to set is to express to your partner that there will be moments when you have to get thoughts off your chest and not direct those at them.

Avoid the issue that is prevalent with the fearful-avoidant; you have to direct your feelings toward the central issue and not the perceived source.

More often than not, you are processing emotions that come at you from all angles, and your desire to retreat to isolation is to move away from the perceived source.

The problem is that the issue lingers, and it will resurface no matter how long you try to suppress it.

Although it might sound like word vomit, the best action to take is to express what is on your mind.

The last lap

It is ok to need time in a progressing relationship, but there is a problem when you do not provide context.

Time is the enemy when someone is in the unknown.

Your prospective or current partner feels shut out, abandoned, and rejected when you don’t communicate your need for time.

Can you answer that question? Why are you hesitant to commit? Why do you need to take a break?

Again, don’t direct your need for time to your partner because this process is about you.

Fearful-avoidants need time to trust, open up, be vulnerable, and express themselves.

Have you explained that to your partner or partners in the past?

Did you respect their desire to build a bond and form a healthy connection?

When you can’t communicate properly and receive negative feedback from your partner, it hits you hard, and you retreat.

It is hard to ask for time because it makes you feel weak. You see a negative view of yourself and your abilities.

What does that cause you to do? Feel overwhelmed and retreat to isolation mode.

Challenge yourself and recognize your need for time will decrease over the longevity of your dynamics.

Your partner can have a healthy response if they are allowed the space to work with you, but shutting them out is going to have negative consequences.

Don’t let the cycle repeat itself.

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Want to learn about the triggers of the fearful-avoidant? Get a free guide Here

Do you want to huddle for a 1:1 session to work through your dynamic? If you’d like a free 15-minute information and onboarding call about my offering click here or book a 1-hour 1:1 session (100/hr) here. You can also reach out to me on Instagram. here. or email me at [email protected]

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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