Boys are boys and will always be boys. We can be angry about it. Or we can use that anger to fuel a redefinition of what it means to be a boy.
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About a year ago I was telling my girlfriend at the time a story about my sister. In the story, my sister is in pre-school, and she’s fought over by two boys using “Power Rangers” rings from a cereal box.
”That is not okay,” my ex — let’s call her Sarah — said bluntly. “Women are not objects to be fought over.”
To which I replied, without so much as a second thought,
“Boys will be boys.”
Sarah stopped what she was doing and turned and looked me, rather appalled. “That is not an excuse!” To which I replied, a little confused, a little shaken,
“I didn’t mean it as an excuse.”
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When most people use the phrase, “boys will be boys,” they mean it in a sort of recursive, self-evident sense, in the same way one might say “the sky is blue” or “cheese is good” (if you like cheese). This is somehow a defense, a way of saying the actions of male humans are immutable and uncontrollable, the same way you can’t change the color of the sky, the same way you can’t change the fact that cheese is freakin’ delicious. Because their behavior is immutable, we should just shrug it off: men treat women like property, but there’s nothing we can do, so that’s okay.
If “boys will be boys” means “the behavior of males in our society is immutable,” then those are the words of someone who can’t accept or doesn’t want to admit that society is really screwed up.
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Used that way, the statement is bogus. The vast majority of humans have control over their actions, and those that don’t may very well belong in a psych ward. If “boys will be boys” means “the behavior of males in our society is immutable,” then those are the words of someone who can’t accept or doesn’t want to admit that society is really screwed up.
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Yea, I think Brock Turner deserves a harder sentence. But when I say “boys will be boys” I don’t mean “It’s okay, he was just being Brock Turner.” What I mean is this: ”He was doing what society expected him to do.” It is self-evident to me that many rapists act as we expect them to. Boys will be boys — just as the stock market is more likely to fall if a news article publishes that it is falling,1, 2 just as the prediction of a gasoline shortage can create a gasoline shortage,3 just as students’ grades respond to negative expectations4 and stigmatizing by their teachers.5 Boys will rape women as long as they think that’s what society expects of them and they will get away with insignificant sentences as long as misogyny is part of our culture.
I was raised on Disney movies like The Lion King and Snow White and stories like Robin Hood and Artemis Fowl. Like many others, my childish mind (no simile intended) absorbed them with awe, and I geared up for life with a handful of preconceptions at my back. I knew how the hero — always a male — got what he wanted. And I knew females played largely supportive roles.
Consider the following:
– Among the top 100 grossing films in the US in 2015, females spoke less than one-third of all dialogue6 (including in Disney’s Frozen, where the two main characters are female7).
– Among the same 100 films, only 22 featured female protagonists.6
Looking back now, I see how screwed up our childhood tales are. These are the themes I see:
– Women are objects to be won by men and fulfill their desires (Aladdin).
– A woman’s quest ends in being married to a man (Cinderella, The Little Mermaid).
– Women should stay in abusive relationships because what really matters is that they are in any relationship at all (Beauty and the Beast).
– If you kill the bad guy, the girl will go out with you; furthermore, the bad guy must be defeated by the male protagonist, never the female (Snow White, Lady and the Tramp).
– The whole point of the quest is to end up with the girl (Who Framed Roger Rabbit).
– Women play anecdotal roles in our lives, if any at all (Toy Story, The Lion King, Up, Monsters, Inc., Cars, A Bug’s Life).
Don’t believe my surface-level anecdotes? Okay: here,8 here,9 and here10 are some scholarly articles that go into more depth. It doesn’t stop with novels, TV, and film, either — check out this great article about the objectification of women in graphic novels.
Aside from movies, there is substantive evidence that men who play more violent sports are more likely to sexually coerce their partners and be more accepting of violence in relationships18 — and yes, violent sports are part of the culture of the United States.19
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Even in movies today the men are distant and aloof, as if it’s “cool” to be apathetic and insensitive. They are impermeable, both in the sense that they are emotionless and in the sense that they are bulletproof. In which superhero movie recently has a super hero died? We’ve even started pitting them against each other and the result is simply agnostic over-the-top violence with no character growth. Our male heroes have no room to grow because they are invulnerable — to bullets, yes, but also to emotions, sympathy, and lack of consent.
Cultures shape the people they house.11 Movies, in particular, can have a profound impact upon children.12, 13, 14 As those children grow into men, they self-reaffirm15 and co-reaffirm (men in fraternities are more likely to sexualize women and be accused of rape16, 17). Aside from movies, there is substantive evidence that men who play more violent sports are more likely to sexually coerce their partners and be more accepting of violence in relationships18 — and yes, violent sports are part of the culture of the United States.19
I recently read a Huffington post article about why women put up with this treatment. The gist of it is that society expects women to de-escalate, so they deal with it as best they can. But the part it misses out on is why. And the answer to why is because society expects men to take what they want.
Examples of these expectations in practice abound:
– Women are more likely to take agenic (read: responsive as opposed to assertive) leaderships roles compared to men.21
– “Initiative” (or “assertiveness”) often tops the list of traits women look for in men (whether substantiated by evidence or presented simply as an accepted part of our culture).22
– The more sexist a woman is, the more she responds to male assertiveness.23
– At a young age, boys are found to use more assertive speech and girls more affiliative.24
– A man is more likely to get a woman’s number if he touches her on the arm, showing assertiveness.25
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That same girlfriend and I had a conversation before the aforementioned story-telling about my sister, a conversation that went something like this:
Me: “It seems like women are more likely to give consent to men who are persistent. How should men know when to be persistent and when to back off?”
Her: “My mom told me this,” she replied: “boys will be trouble. But the trouble is less if you give them what they want.”
It was my turn to gawk.
She continued, shrugging: “So if you really want someone, be persistent and maybe they’ll give in.”
We single out crimes like the rape by Brock Turner and say, “This one incident is a problem.” “Male rapists deserve harder sentences.” Do they? Yea. But that’s the tail of the snake. You can pick and choose and rant about all the court cases and over privileged, under-punished white boys you want. They aren’t the problem. They are a symptom of the problem, and the problem is that we have created them.
We have created them by propagating the idea of “manliness” to mean taking control. We have created them by worshipping stories that put the man in charge, by creating a culture of male dominance and decision-making where the women are sidelined and won when the man completes the quest. We have created a society where the same women who chastises me for saying “boys will be boys” thinks if someone doesn’t give consent I should just be more persistent. “Boys will be trouble,” she said, as if it was immutable. “The trouble is less if you give them what they want.” Think about the message that sends to potential suitors.
We can say to each other, “Let’s get rid of the judge who gave Brock his sentence.” The judge is a grain of sand on the beach that is our screwed up society. Should he have given Brock a harder sentence? Absolutely. But what we really need to be saying to each other is, “This decision is evidence of a larger problem in our society. How are we going to change our society so we produce people with a better sense of gender equality?” Replacing a judge is a start, yes. Punishing a rapist, an obvious good step. But these are steps on a long, long journey of reformation that needs to happen in the deepest roots of our society.
We need to redefine what it means to be a man — through changing our movies, our sports, our fraternities, and our parenting mentalities.
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Needless to say, this is a pain to explain this to everyone, so I don’t say it anymore. I just nod in agreement, because I do agree: rape is a crime always deserving of severe punishment, consent is necessary, the right to say “no” and have it respected is immutable. But this agreement has become rote and mindless for me, the same way I brake at stop signs and brush my teeth before bed. These statements are self-evident, and while my friends and colleagues may know they are true, what we need as a society is to act like they are true. We need to make movies where woman are not won. We need to tell stories where women are respected. We need to redefine what it means to be a man — through changing our movies, our sports, our fraternities, and our parenting mentalities.
This I say to you: boys will be boys — no matter how angry that makes you. You can be angry at Brock because you think that the behavior of men in our society, our low expectations towards them, and the rapes they perform and get away with are immutable. Or you can be angry at the movie-makers, the story-tellers, the fathers who raise them, the women who propagate those expectations in the first place, and the fraternities that reaffirm them. You can refuse to go to movies where women are sidelined, you can raise boys who treat women as equals, and you can stop telling men they should “be persistent” and “take what they want.”
Boys are boys and will always be boys. We can be angry about it. Or we can use that anger to fuel a redefinition of what it means to be a boy.
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Originally Published on TripTheLife.com (see original article for references)
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– Among the top 100 grossing films in the US in 2015, females spoke less than one-third of all dialogue.
– Among the same 100 films, only 22 featured female protagonists.
53% of America is Female. The real question is, when you make a film that is mostly female dialog, why don’t women go to see it?
What makes you think women don’t go to see it?? You might find the data from this study interesting Bob:
www. indiewire.com/2015/10/research-shows-box-office-hits-with-female-protagonists-outearn-blockbusters-with-male-leads-212942/
Then read this article which comes directly from the source of women in the industry:
www. nytimes.com/2015/11/22/magazine/the-women-of-hollywood-speak-out.html?_r=0
Reinforcing the stereotype that women don’t go and see stories about women is flat out false. Women want to see stories about complex female characters every bit as men have enjoyed.
There is a crisis going on with boys and men. Ignoring that crisis, suggesting that good men don’t fall into bad behavior, or that because most men are good, there aren’t issues, or suggesting that because you as a man don’t rape women, that there is no issue, or suggesting that boys and men are victims of events most of the time but hardly ever perpetuate them, implying that women live privileged lives or dually that women are the true perpetuators of violence or even of their own sexual objectification and men’s sexual objectification, believing supplying news story of women… Read more »
Boys and men are in crisis. OK, how is pushing a narrative that doesn’t exist supposed to address this? I’ve just shown you boys will be boys doesn’t exist. Brock Turner took her out of the party and hid behind a dumpster because he knew what he was doing was wrong. There was no entitlement there. There was if I got caught, I’m f*cked. There was if I did this at the party in front of the frat guys who are supposed to be OK with it, I’m f*cked. The fact Turner got so much press is because unlike the… Read more »
“Suggesting that good men don’t fall into bad behavior, or that because most men are good, there aren’t issues, or suggesting that because you as a man don’t rape women, that there is no issue, or suggesting that boys and men are victims of events most of the time but hardly ever perpetuate them, implying that women live privileged lives or dually that women are the true perpetuators of violence or even of their own sexual objectification and men’s sexual objectification, believing supplying news story of women committing crimes decries anything; is not ever going to help boys and men.… Read more »
“We have created them…”
Who is “we?” Who has created them?
Everyone. Us, as a culture. Parents. Siblings. Relatives. Friends. Teachers. Actors. Bystanders. Bus Riders.
Every interaction we have, however small, shapes us in one way or another. Some are more significant than others. Children, especially, learn from social cues, stories, and watching others.
If all one knows is taught by others, then where did the knowlege come from in the first place?
“Cultures shape the people they house.”
If culture shapes people, then who shapes culture?
People do. It’s a two way street.
Culture shapes people who shape culture which shapes people who…….
Or, is it:
People shape culture which shapes people who shape culture which………
Which came first, the culture or the people?
FYI – Part 2 “Oroville >> A former Las Plumas High School physical education teacher was sentenced Wednesday to three years of probation and 120 days in jail for having sex with two male students. Butte County Superior Court Judge James Reilley sentenced Lindsay Himmelspach, 33, for two felony counts of unlawful sexual intercourse stemming from her sexual relationships with two 17-year-old students of the high school.” http://www.chicoer.com/general-news/20160615/oroville-pe-teacher-sentenced-to-probation-for-sex-with-students “She was sentenced to 10 years in prison, which was suspended. She was given five years of supervised probation. During that time, she must get sex offender counseling, she can’t be around… Read more »
Wow John, that’s great information …
FYI – Part 1 “This paper assesses gender disparities in federal criminal cases. It finds large gender gaps favoring women throughout the sentence length distribution (averaging over 60%), conditional on arrest offense, criminal history, and other pre-charge observables. Female arrestees are also significantly likelier to avoid charges and convictions entirely, and twice as likely to avoid incarceration if convicted.” http://papers.ssrn.com/sol3/papers.cfm?abstract_id=2144002 “A Star-Ledger analysis of 97 cases in New Jersey over the past decade reveals significant disparities: Men are on average sent to jail in more cases and receive longer sentences. The data about 72 men and 25 women also shows:… Read more »
When you talk about girls not being in movies, was there just a huge uprising by social progressive complaining about a female super hero being choked by the bad guy? You don’t see any outrage when men are so depicted. It would be pretty d*mn absurd to have a movie where the female super hero pummels a bunch of bad guys who refuse to attack her. How can you have women portrayed as protagonists when they can’t be depicted as facing any strife. We have man vs. man, man vs. nature, man vs. robots, man vs. space aliens and women… Read more »
“Boys are boys and will always be boys. We can be angry about it. Or we can use that anger to fuel a redefinition of what it means to be a boy.” We already have to the detriment of society. Boys are more often punished in school both officially and unofficially because of disruptive behavior. Is it really bad or dangerous behavior? No, just disorderly, bit society has decided that boys not only act like giirls, but also need to learn like girls. Turner’s sentence was an aberration. Women get much lughter sentences than men for the same crimes. That… Read more »
Re: Girls being less punished. I’m not saying you’re right or wrong, but I’d like to see you substantiate that claim with some data.
Re: The existence of female superheroes and male heroes being beaten. Yes, there are exceptions to the rule. My point was not to assert things that were true 100% of the time. It was to draw out correlations and patterns. I didn’t forget Wonder Woman (though I will say she is very sexualized), Nancy Drew, etc. I did not say “100% of superheroes are male.” I said the majority of popular superheroes are male.
“but I’d like to see you substantiate that claim with some data.” You must have missed these. “This paper assesses gender disparities in federal criminal cases. It finds large gender gaps favoring women throughout the sentence length distribution (averaging over 60%), conditional on arrest offense, criminal history, and other pre-charge observables. Female arrestees are also significantly likelier to avoid charges and convictions entirely, and twice as likely to avoid incarceration if convicted.” http://papers.ssrn.com/sol3/papers.cfm?abstract_id=2144002 “A Star-Ledger analysis of 97 cases in New Jersey over the past decade reveals significant disparities: Men are on average sent to jail in more cases and… Read more »
I think you’re still making an excuse. Look at how many women buy into cinderella, snow white etc. It ain’t just a one way street here. Look at the bridal industry that has played on the princess fantasy to the tune of about a bazillion dollars. I live in the same society as Turner. I don’t rape women. I don’t hit them. I saw the same films growing up. But most of the people I know, men, realize this is a story, it’s not true. Any more than porn is reality. So to say that boys will be boys because… Read more »
But *why* do women buy into it? Do you really think that if there weren’t any princess movies, that stereotype would be nearly as pervasive? You are still looking at the tail of the snake. Turner was not my theory or my hypothesis. He was one example, which yes, could be an outlier, used to introduce data that produces a hypothesis. And yes, there are men who see violent films and choose to act differently. Everybody has the ability to make choices for themselves. My point was not that 100% of the men in our society are irreversibly unconscionable. My… Read more »
Why did Turner get so much press, while Chante Gilman did not. She broke into a man’s house, rape him, and tried to hold him down when he started fighting her off. She received 9 months and 2 years probation. She got placed on the sex offender registry, but the length wasn’t reported. My guess is it wasn’t lifetime. Turner got 6 months, 3 years probation, and lifetime on the sex offender registry, which isn’t a small inconvenience. Why was there such an outcry against Turner’s sentence when Gilman arguably perpetrated a worse crime (breaking and entering would normally get… Read more »
Why did Turner get so much press, while Chante Gilman did not. Its framing. Framing based on the gender of the perp rather than the actions of the perp. Are you familiar with the channel Investigation Discovery? If not then imagine a full time 24 hour network dedicated to Dateline, To Catch A Predator, etc….and other criminal investigation stories. If you want the shows that focus on male criminals the framing is VERY different than with female criminals. Male criminals are portrayed as life time wrong doers that finally did something extremely violent while female criminals are innocent victims that… Read more »