—
Breaking up is hard to do (insert any song lyric here).
This list was created in hopes of making it easier for men to be stand up guys when going through a breakup. The world is filled with stand up guys. What’s a “stand up guy”? My definition is a man who does what’s right and kind even when it may not seem the easy choice. It’s the guy who takes the path less traveled; breaking up with care. It’s not easy! We get it.
Note: Since I’m a woman, this is written from a woman’s points of view, using examples. Not all women are the same. However, I believe these points have merit for anyone (male OR female) to consider.
You want to avoid hurting someone else’s feelings so you, um, avoid it. Please don’t. That’s not what being a “stand up guy” is about. When I teach I use the background of a particular lesson or thought process, and some possible scripts to get people started in areas they’re uncomfortable. So that’s what I’m offering here.
(It might help to read What Women Want – 7 Tips to Decipher the Woman Code. And for ways to approach apologizing check out You Screwed Up, You’re Sorry, Now What?)
8 Things to help you through a breakup:
1. Just do it.
Don’t prolong it. If you know the person you’re dating isn’t right for you: let them know. You can do it gently. Take some time to make sure you know, then let them know it too.
If you’re in a serious or committed relationship, this is the time to bring up your concerns. Try “We need to talk.” That usually does it.
2. Honesty rocks. Most women would rather have an honest conversation about a breakup. Do we enjoy them? No. But where we may “get weird” (I’m not admitting we do) is when things seem off and you don’t talk to us about it. Confusion in relationships throws all of us off and inconsistent signals make us really uncomfortable and ungrounded.
Try “Can I be honest with you?” It will go a long way. Otherwise I’ve seen it happen on both sides — person A suddenly pulls way back and partner B is then labeled “naggy” or intrusive for wanting to know what’s going on. Or partner B is showing the same amount of contact and attention as usual and they’re suddenly called “psycho” or “stalkerish.”
3. If you feel weird, it’s OK to talk about it. It’s worse for us just to read the signals. Repeatedly. Some of us will replay things in our head looking for answers we can’t find.
When you suddenly stop being the guy you were, we try to figure it out. Mr. Text-All-The-Time is suddenly Mr. Really-Super-Busy, or Mr. Totally-Unavailable. If you start ghosting us, especially after being really into us, it confuses us. Or treating us like you suddenly don’t want to be around us, yet the last thing we remember is you waxing poetic about how the sun rose and set over us. It’s confusing. We don’t know an ex came back in your life. Or you met someone new. We just know something isn’t right.
That’s when we may act weird. We play detective. We look for clues. We try to analyze or justify reasons WHY things changed (if you’re a good guy and we like you.) When current behaviors don’t match past ones, it’s confusing. When words and actions don’t match up, it’s confusing. Don’t be confusing. Be honest.
If we ask what’s up it’s because we’re sensing something. Be honest. It’s OK.
Try “I’m feeling off. I don’t know what’s going on.” Or “I’m trying to sort through some things and I know this must seem confusing to you.” Or if you’re really bold, “My ex just came back into my life and I need to sort through my feelings around it. I didn’t expect it. I’m as surprised as you might be. But…(fill in the blank).”
If you start ghosting us, especially after being really into us, it confuses us. Or treating us like you suddenly don’t want to be around after you were all over us: it’s confusing. We don’t know an ex came back in your life. Or you met someone new. We only know something isn’t right.
That’s when we may act weird. We play detective. We look for clues. |
4. Confused is OK. Communication is what matters. Honesty can sound like a lot of different things, all of them are true.
If you’re confused, because you liked us once and you aren’t sure anymore: it’s OK to tell us. We’ll be sad but we’ll get over it. If you need time, let us know. And if you can tell us how much time, or give us an idea of what you’d like, even better. Then we know if that works for us. We don’t do well with “some time,” but we’ll try.
Try “This is confusing me right now, I need some time to think. Can we circle back in two weeks to talk?”
Or simply “I like you, I know I do, and I need to cool things down. Can we back it off to once a week for the next month?” Or “I feel like we moved really fast, are you OK if we slow things down?”
You can even say, “I’m freaking out a little. Sorry but it’s true. I need a little time.”
I know one man that had a long distance relationship blossoming with a woman in another state. He went out and spent a long weekend with her, things got hot and heavy. Part way through the weekend he started to regret it, and began pulling back. He’d started seeing someone he really liked back at home but didn’t tell his long distance girl. So after that weekend not knowing what to do, he ghosted her. What do you think she did?
She was never given a reason, never understood what happened, and this man had come across the country to her home and met her family: she got mad. And she called him many times yelling, then crying, then hurt. She was labeled as the “crazy-angry-psycho” for being really mad when someone wasn’t honest with her and broke her heart.
5. Attraction is interesting. You’re into the other person, who as far as you can see is fabulous. You spend many waking, and possibly sleeping moments, thinking about them. You talk ’till all hours on the phone or text. They take on a glorious movie star effect, like a filter in a photo (Lo-Hi) and you stop seeing the real person.
They fascinate you. They intrigue you. The chemicals rushing through your body tell you that you want more and more of them (regardless if this is true or not, your body tells you loudly that it’s definitely love!) This is attraction. These are chemicals. Enjoy them. I’m not sure how this made it into the list of things to consider but it seemed important to note.
Try just having fun. Maybe it will be love, maybe it won’t. But be honest about where you are with it now.
Dating is that dance where you get to see the best of someone while trying to figure out if you could spend (or want to spend) the foreseeable future with them.
|
6. We have faults. We don’t usually see each other’s faults right away, only after the blush of the attraction fades. At the core we are still human beings: weaknesses, glories, faults, strengths, quirks and all. Quirks that were once cute may become annoying. Most of us know what we consider our own weak spots (I prefer to call them quirks), and at a certain point we become not just aware, but at peace with them. If we aren’t your cup of tea, it’s OK to let us know that.
Two people together create a kind of third thing: the energy of us. It’s a completely new thing based on the alignment and frequency of the energy you share. For some couples it’s magnificent, for some it doesn’t work.
|
Dating is that dance where you get to see the best of someone while trying to figure out if you could spend or want to spend the foreseeable future with them.
Once you see the other person’s humanness that’s when you know what’s real. And it takes time, intimacy and realness to build that foundation.
How do they deal with a setback? How do they handle a bad day? How do they deal with adversity? Or how safe do you feel sharing your bad day? How comfortable are you sharing your doubts and insecurities? Will they have your back?
Try giving yourself time and space to figure out and understand. These are important things to know about the other person in the dating game.
7. Can you be you? If this is someone you don’t feel comfortable being yourself around, or safe sharing some of your own emotional currency with then it’s important to notice. And it’s OK to know this. It doesn’t make the other person awful, just maybe not be right for you. Two people together create a kind of third thing: the “energy of us.” It’s a completely new thing based on the alignment and frequency of the energy you share. For some couples it’s magnificent, for some it doesn’t work. It’s not good or bad, it’s either energetically positive for both or draining.
Try just noticing your feelings. Are you energized? Are you drained around them?
8. Be kind. In that respect, if the energy you find isn’t working with someone it’s kindest to break things off when you realize it. We will be all right, we’ve gone through breakups before. Yes, we will probably cry. It’s one way we handle emotions and it’s good to cry. I call it holy water — it blesses and releases the past, to bring in a new future.
Please try to be kind but firm when you breakup. Treating us with respect even in parting, won’t cost you more and that way you’ll be able to keep your head held high.
Try “This isn’t working for me, it doesn’t feel right.” Or “I don’t know how to say this because you are a great person but this isn’t for me. What’s between us doesn’t work for me.”
Kind acknowledges that breaking up sucks, for you too. Try “Something doesn’t feel right. I think we need to end this.I’m sorry. This might be hard to hear, it’s tough to say too.”
The elemental choices of The Break-Up Talk if you want to be a Stand Up Guy:
Say what’s not working (if you know). Try not to blame, just say what’s not working for you.
Say that it’s not working. Be clear about it. If you want them to change or adjust, and you’re willing to keep trying then stop here. If you’re clear that you’re done, end it.
Say that you wish them no ill will or harm. You wish them well. You see their great qualities, but they just aren’t the person for you.
Apologize if you are sorry, even if it’s just for hurting the feelings of someone else.
Do not leave the door open unless you really intend to use it. It’s cruel. Many times men will throw in the “now just isn’t the right time” as what I call a softener. Don’t. Just don’t. If you leave a woman with hope that next week things could work then she’s left thinking it’s true. If you choose to revisit dating in the future, that’s different. But please don’t leave her in suspended animation now.
It’s always up to you, how you start a relationship and how you end it.
If you think how you end a relationship doesn’t matter, that’s where I’ll tell you you’re wrong. You’re missing a huge opportunity to be a stand up guy, one that stands out from the crowd. Those are the guys that end up being set up with friends of friends, being offered networking opportunities, or just being known as a great guy. Why? Because he choose to be a stand up guy, even when he didn’t have to choice it.
This article is dedicated to all the stand up guys (and ladies) out there. Be one. Know them. You are appreciated.
Would you like to help us shatter stereotypes about men?
Receive stories from The Good Men Project, delivered to your inbox daily or weekly.
This story was republished to Medium.
Photo credit: iStock
Excellent article, Theresa! And, as a guy (i like to think I’m a stand up guy) who recently broke up with someone according to these guidelines you listed, its important to be mindful that, generally, people don’t like being broken up with, and often no matter how you do it or what you say, they still might act like an ass when you do it. Sometimes, there’s no way to avoid the mess. Sometimes the mess is necessary to support the break, sadly enough. Thanks Theresa!
“She was labeled as the “crazy-angry-psycho” for being really mad when someone wasn’t honest with her and broke her heart. ” Wasn’t she? Many would be saying something similarly nasty about a guy who never got an answer from a woman and “couldn’t take a hint”. People would be telling him that she didn’t owe him a response. You make it sound as if she is the victim and it’s his fault that this happened. I don’t agree with all this no one is entitled to anything stuff I see on this site. I don’t know exactly where the line… Read more »
John, I don’t know where the line is drawn either. I think treating the other person with respect is always a place to start. Was she a victim? No. I don’t think so. Is anyone that wants answers after they get ghosted/have a quick breakup a victim? No. But it’s tough on them (both men and women). This a great inquiry. I’m glad you commented. I do know that in certain situations responding in a kind manner could help. I recieved a message about this article from a man, having gone through something similar. His need to understand why his… Read more »