Bringing Healing to the Relationship

Often, we speak and act in a very reactive way. We tend to act on impulses, charged emotions, and clouded perceptions. When we do this, our relationship feels hard and tiring, and slowly we feel more distant. The great news is that healing is possible at any moment — including right now.

Something very simple and powerful that we can all do is bring a deep pause and space into every relationship.

Many of our relationships are very crowded with old perceptions, learnt behaviours, and un-acknowledged conflicts. We fight about the same things and tend to bottle up the way we really feel rather than have an open and honest conversation. It seems easier that way for many of us and yet, ironically we have no idea how difficult we are making life for ourselves.

In order to bring healing into a relationship, there must be space for it. Spaciousness allows the old perceptions and conditioned behaviours to dissolve. It is a very powerful medicine to calm our minds, relax our bodies, and open our hearts.

We can generate spaciousness and disrupt these old patterns with a very simple pause prior to reacting automatically to whatever thoughts or feelings come up. A truly deep pause allows us to:

1. Listen deeply to what is really being said — “You suck!” initially may sound like an attack. Listening deeply we can actually hear “I feel hurt, un-acknowledged, and un-cared.” Listening deeply we can hear what they are needing from us in that moment. Like anything, this takes willingness and time to become more familiar with this deeper form of listening. Often our pride or desire to be right blocks the willingness to listen deeply and see things from a different perspective.
2. Connect deeply with the person we are with. A deep pause allows those initial reactions time to arise and settle. A pause has a calming power. As the reactions calm, we tend to naturally connect with the person we are with. A simple exercise below that can help us with this aspect of the pause.
3. Respond with kindness, integrity, and honesty. Harshness and anger is never justified. We all feel the temptation to lash out in anger or hurt. Yet what is the cost of that? We feel more distant from the person we are with, we feel guilty, and we feel less love within ourselves. Is the temporary satisfaction of “showing them” or proving someone wrong worth that cost? Taking a moment to pause and allow the lash-out energy to settle gives us the opportunity to respond in a way that is helpful for everyone.

Breathing Together

We may hear this and ask “How do I do this?” We may try to look for a script of the right things to say and we may be afraid of getting it wrong. But this act of pausing is something that comes from a very deep place within us. We are all capable of it and we do not need a script.

What blocks us from pausing deeply is this very fear of getting it wrong and the anxiety of trying to find the right thing to say. In actuality, it is our intention that is important. When the intention is one of love and understanding then healing speech will happen automatically — whatever we say is healing when we feel love and compassion for all within our hearts.

We already have great love within our hearts. It is not something new to attain. So this exercise is really one of dropping back into the heart of what we really are — beyond labels, ideas, past experiences, hurt, and fear. There is the essence of what we are — pure aliveness.

We can use this exercise below to access this aliveness and become conscious of the fact that we are all alive together. We touch the miracle of life and feel how precious everything is. Immediately, in an instant, we have the capacity to connect with the deepest part within ourselves and also within the person we are with. We are both expressions of that same aliveness — a miracle of life.

The exercise is very simple and clear. As we sit down or stand up, we notice that we are breathing. Noticing we are breathing we also notice that those around us are breathing. We notice that everyone is breathing together.

Listening very deeply, we can hear and feel that the earth itself is breathing. Everything is alive and the wonder of life is already here.

If we are with a romantic partner, we may ask them — “Dear one, will you breathe with me for a moment? It helps me connect and I find it very nourishing.”

We may both pause and just for a moment simply breathe or notice that we are breathing together. We may look at our loved ones and see that we are together — what a miracle, such a wonder. We allow ourselves to feel that we are together.

It can be even simpler than breathing. We may just simply notice that right now we are here together. We may feel that connection and then we can respond.

We take a moment to pause and open up to whatever is arising within us before we respond. We listen — what part wants to speak? Is it fear or love? Is it blame or understanding?

There is a lot of joy and wonder that can be discovered in this simple exercise. we can play around with it and find our own way with it.

What is important is that it grounds us in togetherness and love first. It gives us the time we lovingly observe the automatic tendencies that arise within us. We can watch them come up and let them fade. We break the loop. We bring healing to everyone involved.

If you’d like to keep exploring this and delve deeper into the heart of relationships, you are welcome to have the free Incredibly Loving Relationships Mini-Course. It’s an open and honest exploration of my own experiences in my relationship — the pain, the not-so-pretty stuff, and also the powerful tools and approaches that helped. Feel free to check it out.

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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.

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From The Good Men Project on Medium

What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean?

My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence

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