Theresa Byrne is a pretty forward thinking woman who has always had quite a few male friends. She has five good tips for you.
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I’m one of the girls who had a best guy friend most of her life, and a really cool brother. And now I have many many brothers. Awesome, amazing men that share their thoughts and feelings with me like I would with my girls. And these guys are all what I’d call my Soul Brothers, because it feels like I’ve known them forever and we are definitely connected in a way that’s like a brother-sister.
I have some things I want to tell each of you: some things that you’re struggling with are important and I want you to know that there are women who care. We know how hard it must be to be a guy’s guy at this time. So here are some lessons I hope you can take with you, and remember.
1. The stuff that used to work, doesn’t work for you anymore.
Gone are the days when you used to be able to use your looks, status, cool car, money, job title or charm to get by. You are now being called to find new strengths, new avenues to be your best. You’re being asked to go deeper, to evolve; to find out what you’ve got going for you that has nothing to do with anything external. This will become apparent in your relationships and maybe your careers as well. The old “standby” doesn’t hold water for you now. It’s like the things that you could depend on to get you what you wanted, they just don’t work anymore.
So you’re left feeling like, “WTH? Now how do I handle this?”
You WILL figure it out. It WILL be ok. I promise. Have I ever lied to you? No. It’s just gonna take a little time and a little leaning into those feelings you’d rather avoid. You’ll find your strengths again, and they may be new and different strengths. You just need to work through this to get to the other side.
2. It’s not easy to evolve.
I get it. It’s tough. Evolving means you have a great chance to figure out why you suddenly feel so much, and so often. It’s like the things that used to roll off your back can now leave you wondering, drained, or sad. You don’t have the thick skin you used to have and it’s tough to deal. I know that there will be times when you feel wounded. That you feel like a chick who’s over emotional and can’t just turn on the game and zone out. You find your thoughts spiraling negatively and can’t stop them. It’s a process, it’s something your sisters have been doing so we get it! Looking at any of this isn’t easy. Bravo for you, taking it on.
Learning to become self aware means you get to look at yourself. All of yourself, especially the parts that got buried. Maybe they weren’t “man” enough so you shied away from feelings. Well, guess what brother? Your feelings are real.
3. You take everything personally.
You used to be able to move past anything you didn’t like. People. Jobs. Situations. A woman didn’t call you back, you didn’t care. You didn’t think about it and talk about it for days—you just moved on. Now things are different. Every setback feels personal, both in business and in relationships, and right now you are facing some of the most important fears you could have: the “what if’s.”
“What if its about me? What if I suck?”
“What if I’m a failure?”
“What if it means I’m a horrible person destined to die old and alone?”
4. Vulnerability is tough.
Hey I’m a good mix of masculine and feminine, I can be a girl when I want to, lthough much of my day job is about my masculine strengths (martial arts, running a business, being a boss, etc). But that’s not enough anymore. We are all being pushed and prodded to get vulnerable. To find ourselves in the midst of pain and say, “This freaking hurts!” We are all being asked to drop the masks we wear and to put down our shields and armor to get real. To find our authentic means getting through all the stuff that kept you safe. It’s not easy either, but being okay with admitting that:
a) You don’t have it all together
b) You don’t know what to do
c) You’re scared or nervous
d) All of the above
5. Judgement sucks.
Remember all those people you’ve judged in your life, the ones who didn’t have it all figured out or looked like they were struggling, or worse, failures? You now get a chance to release all the judgements you held against others. Why? Because those are the same things you’re judging yourself with, you’re making yourself into That Guy. Who’s That Guy? He’s the one who struggled with girls, or in school. He’s the one who was hung up, down, depressed, worried, analytical, financially challenged, or not good at something. That Guy is all of us. We all have those places where we aren’t talented, and we are all doing the best we can with what we’ve got. So release the judgements you’ve held and realize that there is no That Guy. It’s just another human being.
What I really want you to take away from this, what I really want you to understand is that I’m proud of you…and all the awake women on the planet understand what this process feels like. We’ve been through it all.
We need you. We need you to step up your game, to get real, to care, and to be able to own your stuff. We need you to see us for all that we are, not just the parts you like. We need your humor, your vulnerability, your strengths, and your gifts. We need you to understand what really matters, and we need you to be able to connect with us.
You help us grow into who we came here to be.
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Originally posted at http://theresabyrne.wordpress.com/ and is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock
Great article. Women are awesome, too. In some circles, it isn’t easy to find women who are strong enough and unselfish enough to really care about men in general; it’s like a new hope for the future that this message of progressive love exists. I’d like to think I offer the same thing to women–I think I do, I try to, but I have to admit I sometimes don’t have such a positive sentiment toward women in general. Then again, when I think about it, I have the same problem with men–if I were gay, maybe I’d be more focused… Read more »
Many of my closest friends have been women, and I appreciate the insights that they can bring. I enjoy the fact that society seems to be more accepting of male/female friendship these days, and I have benefited from it. I’ll leave the related subject of the dreaded “friendzone” for another time. All of that being said, this article immediately brought up two thoughts for me. First, Neanderthal though I may be, I haven’t found myself struggling with the things described at all. It is true that I live in a world not inhabited by that many men in our society… Read more »
Men are indeed evolving, at least those who are aware of themselves and aware of the changes they need to make, for themselves, the women in their lives, their communities, their friends, and back again to themselves.
Thanks for sharing this.
Good stuff Theresa!!
Thanks, Michael. I appreciate the comment.
Wow really? Way to keep feeding the belief that men (or masculine leaning women) are best suited for “running a business, being a boss , martial arts.” Perhaps women like you are exactly why we have allowed men to pay us less. What exactly makes these ” masculine strengths” ??? Your comment about acting like a” chick” being over emotional. How do these outdated beliefs help men understand women in 2014? To be honest, this sounds like it is written by a man who still just doesn’t get it.
I think you’re seeing what she wrote too much through your own eyes. I think when she talks about masculine strengths, she is referring to “traditionally” masculine strengths. Obviously these strengths are not exclusive to men, since she and many women like her, have them. I think also when she refers to men feeling like a chick being overemotional, she’s not saying “chicks” are necessarily overemotional (she isn’t), she’s talking about how a more traditional guy might feel about himself–he is, after all, emerging from a traditional understanding of how women are.
Susan, wow thank you for pointing that out! UGH! Stereotypiing was so not my intention, and by traditionally masculine strengths I meant my own roles, the ways that I’m viewed by running a martial arts studio, and being a Master. But I teach with all heart. I do a great deal of work with female entrepreneurs, strong alpha women that are also a wonderful mix. Several of my guy friends do use that direct quote, as Paul stated, “I feel like a chick.” I’ve never taken it offensively, it’s how they feel about themselves. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
Awesome. Great article. I feel the same way. As an awakened woman, I love men, I need them, but I want equals. I own my stuff and I keep going even when things get hard. That’s all I want in friends and lovers. Men are awesome. <3
Leah,
You hit the nail on the head. Wanting men that have done their work, or are doing their work, isn’t to much to ask. No it’s not easy work, but with support…it’s doable. My wish is for you to find EVERYTHING you want in friends and lovers. Men do ROCK!
If Sigmund Freud’s perplexed quandary, after having spent his entire adult life trying to understand the human psyche and yet is quoted as still pondering, “What does a woman want?” (Jones, 1955, p. 421) is to be taken in earnest then men with far less psychoanalytic skills have been justifiably flummoxed in trying to fathom that seemingly inscrutable zone of feminine mystique. However, perplex no longer, my brothers, for here in the midst of the most massive gender parity paradigm shift since we were hunter-gatherers our benevolent sister has taken pity on our seeming collective perplexity to map out the… Read more »
Randal that is an excellent point, men have often tried to figure out what women want, and evolution is it! The evolving man is a beautiful thing to behold. “Mutually supportive interaction”, I love that! And it’s a confusing landscape, I hope to be able to lighten the burden a bit! Thanks again!