A good marriage does not require a perfect man or a perfect woman. It only requires a man and a woman committed to strive together toward perfection.
~ Dallin H. Oaks
This article may not make me too popular in the world today, but I don’t care. 😊
It surprises me how often I run into articles, memes, television shows, books, and more that talk about men needing to be better partners, fathers, bosses, etc.
And I agree, in many ways.
The only problem I have with this is that I see very few, if any, about the important role a woman plays in doing the same.
We need to be better partners, mothers, and bosses too.
A lot of women are legitimately more emotional than men.
But what seems to be forgotten is that men have emotional needs too.
Men are dealing with a lot that life hands them too.
As mothers and working women (whether from home or outside), or stay-at-home moms, we have what feels like a million things to juggle. And it’s so easy to let that build into resentment, feeling like our partner has less on their plate, or that they are just being unloving if they don’t feel emotionally available.
The resentment may lead to lashing out and accusations.
But men have feelings too.
The difference often is that they have been taught that they need to control them, hide them, or try not to have them at all.
And the pressure of always having to do that must be very heavy, don’t you think?
My husband and I make a good team. We’ve had a lot of practice.
And we have been through a lot of rough times. I am not touting this story as a way of saying I’m an expert or my marriage is perfect.
Lord knows I can’t come close to saying that I always get this right.
This article is just as much a reminder to me as anyone else, because we all need to regroup and check in on ourselves often.
My fella works hard to make sure I don’t feel alone in the world, and he works crazy hard to provide for me and the girls financially.
And life can be a lot.
I am completely fed up with so many things, and I want to just sit and cry a lot of the time.
In fact, I do. More often than I would prefer to.
And I know he feels the same frustration and sadness and overwhelming stress.
But society tells him he shouldn’t feel that way.
He has to BE A MAN. Suck it up.
And he’s good at it, I have to admit.
He’s sturdy and strong.
He’s smart and determined.
He’s a good man.
I rely on his strength and common sense and level-headed reasoning capabilities.
But he also is allowed to have feelings.
Having feelings doesn’t make him any less of a man.
It doesn’t make him any less strong or capable.
If your man is dropping the ball in an area that’s important to you, it’s okay to talk to him about it. In fact, it’s necessary, if you want to keep your relationship healthy.
But there are plenty of things he’s doing right too, if you look for them, and it’s your job to point those out.
To praise his efforts.
To make him feel like all the work he’s putting in, the fact that he hasn’t laid down and quit yet, matters.
You need to make sure he knows you see his efforts.
Raise him up.
Have his back.
Tell him how much you appreciate and need him.
Make sure he knows that you believe in him, but also that he doesn’t have to carry the entire weight alone.
Hope and support — and yes, a cheerleader — can help people make it through things that they would otherwise not be able to shoulder.
Believe in him and support his goals and the things he’s passionate about. This will mean that you need to make sacrifices at times, give him space to flesh out what he’s doing and wrap his head around it, so he can move forward with achieving it.
His dreams matter just as much as yours do.
If you want to get support, you should be willing to extend it too.
You believing in him and supporting him will help him believe in himself, and it will give him the strength to make it through the days that he wants to give up.
Make him a priority in your life.
Make sure he knows he’s not replaceable.
Maybe you weren’t raised in an environment that helped you build the skills needed to do things like this easily, but it’s worth the effort.
Put the work into yourself that will allow you to see the necessity of being his comfort zone too.
If you want your relationship to be a blessing, if you want him to love and support you and your rights and your feelings, common sense says you should do the same thing for him.
Men have feelings and needs just like we do.
And the suicide statistics in recent years are a brutal reminder that they can easily get overwhelmed with their role in life.
It will always make sense to help your man see the good in himself, and to see the good still remaining in the world, even when the bad times are clouding the view.
Here are nine things you can say, if you need a little inspiration and help to get started:
· I always believe in you. Never give up on yourself.
· We have built a great family, and I’m so happy to be part of your life.
· I have no doubts that you can make it through any problem we come up against. You have what it takes to be great in life.
· I will never give up on you because I know you will never give up on me either.
· I want to be on your side, in good times and bad. Bad times are better because we deal with them together.
· I am so glad I can rely on your good sense and decision-making skills.
· I am proud of the man you are. Whatever happens, I know you’ll make the best decision possible.
· The tough times will fade. Tough people never do. I have faith in you.
· A hug from you makes everything feel better.
You might be surprised the difference it makes when you train yourself to see your husband’s good qualities and work hard to overlook his faults when possible.
Love and peace, y’all. ❤
©Melissa Gray 2023
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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Photo credit: Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash