I am a therapist who works with many clients who have, at one time or another in their lives, been bullied. Teasing, taunting words, threats, rumors and gossip; sometimes physical altercations. Some of the perpetrators were peers, classmates, kids in the neighborhood, or on the bus. Some were family members, both adults and children. My immediate internal reaction is always the same, as I want to say to the bullies, “How f-ing dare you harm this person?!” I know, I know the old saying that ‘hurt people hurt people’.
My thought is, but they don’t have to.
There is always a choice about how we treat our fellow travelers on the planet. I also am aware that bullies are insecure people who offload their own distress on others. Although they need help to emotionally regulate, they are still responsible for what they do with their feelings. There are any number of reasons people choose to target vulnerable others. Appearance, speech patterns, psychological and physical conditions, culture, language, age or jealousy are all in that group. Multi-generational abuse (and yes, I see bullying as abuse, whether or not there is physical interaction) runs rampant. I encourage my clients who were once victims of bullying to empower themselves to break the cycle.
Sometimes it means disengaging from the bullies if they can even if it means stepping away from family. Many report a sense of relief and empowerment when they claim their right to be treated with respect. I champion that personal sovereignty for them. Many practice cognitive dissonance as their bullies are now aging parents who need their care. I ask if the parent has taken responsibility for their behavior. Some have acknowledged and made amends. Some have tap danced around it. Some have said, “I did the best I could.” My response was that perhaps they did the best they were willing to do and even now can turn it around.
A few years ago, I was working with a child who had been bullied in school, but was able to disarm them. I was curious about his solution and asked if I could tell other kids what worked for him. He eagerly agreed as he shared the ‘secret sauce’. “If I’m such a loser, then why are you wasting your time on me?” I thought it was brilliant, especially when the bullies were gobsmacked and turned away in silence. I imagine a glitch in their brains when they had no clever comeback.
I have friends who were brutally bullied and experienced severe mental health issues as a result. They sometimes picked up the bludgeon and bullied themselves. They sometimes put it down so the healing could commence.
Many celebrities who were bullied found ways to cope and succeed both in spite of and because of their treatment. I wonder if those who picked on them decades ago have had a wake-up call and realized who it was they had mistreated and reached out to show remorse and make amends.
In our current climate, we are faced with someone I have started thinking of as ‘The Bully in Chief’. Conscience (if he ever had one) was damaged a long time ago. He acts on whim and impulse and if his needs and desires are thwarted, he lashes out at anyone in proximity.
Consider his tactics with the media. Name-calling, insults, dismissing their questions when they get too close to the truth. From the Bullying 101 playbook. He gathers his group of ‘mean girls and guys’ who curry his favor so that they bolster his image and echo his words. He wields words like weapons and his sycophants smile and nod as if to say, “Me too. So there.” He says on their behalf, what they might not have the chutzpah (Yiddish for ‘guts’) to say or he empowers them to say what they have long wanted to. He has unleashed the cruel impulses people have and made it acceptable for some. I wonder how many of his adherents were bullied and now, riding on his coattails, feel empowered to seek revenge.
When children observe this behavior, seemingly without consequence, they think that if the President can get away with it, why can’t they? It’s important for parents on all sides of the political spectrum, to teach children about empathy, compassion and social responsibility. Even something as simple as, “How would you feel if someone called you a mean name or pushed you?”
Of course, most kids would say they wouldn’t like it. That’s when reinforcing, “Don’t do to someone else what you wouldn’t want them to do to you.” It can’t be said too many times. The old refrain, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me,” couldn’t be farther from the truth. Words hurt. Names hurt. Could we consider the source and shrug them off? Maybe, but more likely, some of it will sink in. It takes solid ego strength and solid support to overcome persistent bullying. In a HuffPost article, entitled “Therapists Warn This Normalized Trump Behavior Is Causing Real-World Harm,” the author explains the dynamic brilliantly.
So what can we do? Together, we can stand up to this particular bully and his minions by peacefully protesting with our community, by insisting that our elected officials adhere to their commitment to the Constitution and not this one man, by donating to campaigns we believe in, by vetting social media posts to be sure they are not spreading ‘fake news’. It also means standing up to bullying whenever we see.
Let your mama bear and papa bear come out, claw bear and demand of the bullies, “How f-ing dare you?”
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This Post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock
