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On our Good Men Project Sex and Relation Social Interest Group convocast, lead by Nina Rubin, we discussed ghosting as a way to break away from a relationship. For those who don’t know, ghosting is when communication fades and ends. No explanation. No discussions. Just not there anymore.
I’m ambivalent about the relationship. By ghosting, I don’t have to say or do anything.
Work it out. Be kind and take care of yourself. What kind of a relationship, if any, do you want with this person? Did you make that clear? Say the words? Make sure you had an understanding. Do you know how you feel about this person and how this person made/makes you feel.
It’s easy, but is it nice?
In general, the opinion from the group on the call was – no to ghosting. It’s not nice to leave a person hanging, not take their calls, and not call back. It is far better to have the conversation, “This is not working for me because I feel….”
In fact, try having the conversation, “I’m feeling unfulfilled…,” well in advance of the break-up if you want the relationship to mature further. No one can read minds and behaviors do not necessarily and/or adequately explain what’s wrong.
What do I say?
Be honest with your feelings, show appreciation for the things that worked, be honest. And, if you’re asked a question, try to dive deeper and answer. Not only will the relationship benefit, even in break up, but both people will gain insight.
During the conversation, stay in the moment. The relationship did not go in the direction you expected. This unrealized expectation can be painful. Talk about how it is now, don’t dredge up the past and light fires.
Have the conversation.
The pushback from ghosting is that you never really know what happened or why. With a conversation, you’re able to face the truth, understand the dynamic, and why it didn’t work. With loose ends tied, it far easier to move on.
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We want to hear your point of view. What has been your experience with breaking up? How did you handle it? How do you feel it changed you?
If you ghosted someone one, how do you feel about it? Do you wish you’d had the conversation? Do you think about calling or checking in?
What did you do after the break up to take care of yourself? Did you jump right back into the social scene? Or did you isolate yourself for a while? Or try new things? Develop new interests?
Let us know how you would help someone get through a break up.
When you’re ready to submit, click the red box, below.
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Photo credit: Getty Images