You know the set-up. Your kid really wants to climb a tree you tell them it will be safe because you are watching. They fall, they hurt themselves, and you spend the next several hours wondering if you have damaged trust forever!
Or maybe you just have to lay down the law hard, you shout, maybe too much, and they completely meltdown in front of your eyes. Not the desired effect (although they have instantly stopped using your work bag as a chalkboard so it isn’t all bad).
The question is: have you just caused permanent damage?
This seems to be a particularly middle-class question. This might seem a little harsh, and perhaps betray my ultimate conclusion on the subject, but … lighten the f*ck up. Life is filled with people who’ll let them down and overreact. Your job as a parent is to prepare them for life. So whilst you do need to be the most nurturing, secure loving people in their lives. You still need to be human.
So anyway let’s say what we all know (especially if you are an adopter). It is possible to damage your kids and for damage to be permanent. I wish it wasn’t but then for a little human being to be invulnerable doesn’t make for an awesome big human being. A sense of vulnerability is essential for empathy and humility.
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Hitting Hurts
The effect of hitting as a parenting tool is one of the most well studied. Not only has corporal punishment (how’s that for a sanitised name for beating) been linked to increased violence in teens and adults but also increased drug abuse and other mental illness. More recent studies have also shown that countries who have banned hitting kids in school and home have experienced lower crime rates and violence. Now, these studies suggest causation, which is very hard. After all, banning things in society is normally symptomatic of broader social movements. But combined with the evidence of how it impacts individuals it doesn’t seem like much of a stretch.
And if that didn’t already convince you another recent study from the University of Mitchigan, as well as corroborating some of the damage described above, also showed increased instances of ‘parental defiance’. So really accomplishing nothing then.
So there is now a lot of evidence that beating another sentient being half your size is a bad thing. Thank goodness for science!
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Breaking Trust
But what about other parenting approaches? The first thing I would say that may help with all of these parenting questions is that children need to make mistakes.
So there is a big difference between 1) your child climbing something tricky (that you may or may not have pointed out as dangerous) and they slip and fall only to hurt themselves badly, and 2) looking them in the eyes saying ‘don’t worry I’ll catch you’ and then turning you back whilst they plummet to the ground.
The first is a fairly likely occurrence for an averagely attentive parent and the second is how that parent will probably feel! The upshot is both are learning experiences. The former is where the child learns about risk-taking (and climbing) and the second one they learn you don’t always tell the truth. Do lots and lots of the second one and it will certainly ruin their trust in you but maybe people overall. The first one will NOT.
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Rejection
One of the things we need to pay attention to, especially with adopted children, is rejection. This is amplified with adopted children who may have already internalised some feelings of rejection. Again we have to assume a lot of the positive things are being done – love, nurture, reinforced behaviours – in which case rejection when it does happen should minimise the impact.
However in the book ‘No-Drama Discipline’ the authors make the case that parental discipline is so much part of a child’s day-to-day that getting it right or wrong consistently can have a profound impact.
It’s worth remembering at this point that getting discipline right consistently is actually very powerful. It sets boundaries and knowing what is right and what is wring actually makes children more secure
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Other Disciplinary Practices
So let’s do a quick canter through some ‘discipline’ practices.
Time Out
Time out should never be used for anyone younger than 2 and the general recommendation is no more minutes than the child is old. The latest movement is for ‘time in’. Basically, because we are trying to avoid a feeling of rejection in the child we make them stop what they are doing and sit still for a while, in full sight of the parent. Again, very useful for adopted children. My eldest actually prefers to take herself off. We encourage her to stay around but respect her choice.
Shouting
There are some important distinctions here. As hard as it might be, try never to do this in anger. I am very un-shouty. Actually, that’s not entirely true, I am loud and shouty about everything. But in anger, I have really shouted only a few times. I have a loud voice so it had the impact of stopping them dead in their tracks. I also think it ‘worked’ because it isn’t used frequently, it won’t be damaging. But it isn’t ideal.
However, there is a big difference between screaming ‘you stupid little boy’ and ‘stop now’. One is verbal abuse and the other is a command stated strongly. The younger they are the less likely they can differentiate between the two. I make a point of always apologising afterwards and explain why I needed to get their attention. A good description of why you were frustrated and will also role-model the kind of explaining you would like from them.
Disciplining Whilst Angry
Quite simply you will get it a bit wrong. Your rationality has shut down and you are going to miss out on nuances of response that will make you realise you have gone too far.
Many of the examples in this article rest on the idea that the punitive action is linked to improved behaviour. That’s a tough trick to pull off when you are angry.
Another consideration, in general, is escalation. Even when calm, if you kids are bit older, you are likely to get resistance maybe even rudeness. If you are already angry you will be ill-equipped to deal with this and the whole thing can go from bad to worse.
Taking Things Away
Be careful that they aren’t transition objects or used for comfort. If the thing is the source of the problem then try distracting first. If you mean it to be punitive as far as it possible make it an actual consequence of the behaviour.
“You can’t have the bubbles because you have to share them and you have proven to me you can’t share today.”
Please note the ‘today’ is important, they can share, they just aren’t very good at it today. That is far better than “you have been naughty so you can’t have snacks”. That just seems mean. So you are teaching meanness.
In particular, try not to take away food. Particularly important for adopted children who may have got very worried about where the next meal is coming from. But for all children, food is a ‘basic’ need and concerns around it can cause a low level of stress.
. . .
In summary, if you aren’t hitting your child it is the things that you do habitually that have the most profound effect. One cross word won’t do any damage but systematic belittling or lack of acknowledgement might. Even then don’t forget that kids are nature and nurture. Do some good thinking, try different approaches out, and it’s very likely you will ‘good enough’ — and that, plus love, is all they need.
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This post was previously published on A Parent Is Born.
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Photo credit: Libreshot