Can the New (and More Attractive) Woman Replace You?

Whoever said “looks don’t matter” lied to you.

Attraction can make or break your relationship. When you think about it, sexual attraction is the difference between a relationship and a friendship. That brings me to a controversial question.

If looks matter so much, can you be replaced?

I understand where this fear comes from. You live in a world where you can meet thousands of people with one swipe to the right. And let’s be honest: there’s always someone more attractive out there.

But relationships don’t work like that.

There are no clear answers. It’s not like a cake recipe that you can follow and know what will happen. But I can tell you one thing for sure: attraction goes way beyond looks.

I found one scientific research that studies what happens when men meet new women. Here’s what it means for your relationship:

What the study says.

The goal of the research was to answer the question: do men find new women more attractive than familiar women?

The scientists gathered over 200 men and conducted two different experiments. The participants had to grade pictures of the faces and bodies of women they knew and unknown women.

The findings were crystal clear:

“Men were more attracted to new/novel female bodies.”

New women are more attractive simply because they’re unfamiliar.

The research reinforces one basic human instinct that you don’t even notice is there. It’s called the Coolidge Effect: males are more attracted to new females because it helps them to spread their seed. It’s like a survival mechanism.

But what does that mean for your relationship?

Your looks don’t matter.

It’s easy to believe that you need to look better to be more attractive. But this research shows that’s not true. The findings reinforce that attractiveness goes way beyond your looks.

You can find other ways to become attractive.

There are multiple variables that influence how people perceive you (your looks are just one of them). We might not even understand all those variables because they happen unconsciously.

You don’t need to change your looks to find love.

Here are a few things you can do to become more attractive without changing your looks:

Smile. Your smile sends a powerful message to the world (and it makes you more attractive). When you assess attractiveness, you look for signs of happiness.
Wear perfume. Your perfume doesn’t change your looks, but it makes you more confident. And confidence is sexy.
Emotional intelligence. It might sound cringy, but emotional intelligence is sexy. This survey found that 86% of dating app users want to go out with people who go to therapy.

These are just a few tricks, but you get the idea: attraction is complex.

It’s great that you want to look nice. But on the days when you’re lazier, there are other ways to make you more attractive and confident.

Does that mean he’ll cheat?

I won’t lie: when I read this research, I thought, “that’s why men cheat, and there’s nothing I can do about it.” What’s even worse: it’s proven by science now. Then, I took a step back and realized I was wrong.

You don’t make a move on every attractive person you meet.

He can find other people attractive and stay faithful. These two ideas can coexist. Here’s why:

You don’t control how you feel, but you control what you do about it.

We’re not animals who act only on instincts. We’re rational people who can make long-term decisions. Your partner is no exception (at least, I hope you’re dating a human).

Besides, it was his choice to be with you.

When a man decides to be in a relationship with you, it’s because he likes you. Relationships are a choice, and if he chose you, it’s because it’s what he wants. The new women might be more attractive according to science.

But your relationship means more than that.

The choice to replace you comes down to one thing.

Imagine two different men. Let’s name them John and Richard.

John wants to enjoy life and f*ck around. He will choose the new woman because his priority is to have sex. Richard has a dream to build a family and settle down. He might think the new girl is pretty, but he will choose your relationship. For him, looks will never replace his family.

Whether your man will replace you or not depends on what he wants.

There’s one valuable lesson here that people take years to learn: you need to want the same things.

It’s easy to choose a partner based on “I love them” and forget basic things. When you and your partner have different priorities, you’ll waste time and energy on problems you can never fix. You can’t change what you want, and you can’t change your partner.

It’s not about you; it’s about what he expects from relationships.

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The research says men find new women more attractive because of evolutionary reasons. But I’m here to tell you that you don’t have to worry about that. You shouldn’t worry about being replaced.

You should worry about building a great relationship.

When you use your time and energy to make your partner feel great, listen to them, and enjoy time together, there’s no competition. Relationships are supposed to make you feel safe, not on edge. So if your partner makes you feel insecure, maybe it’s time to take a step back.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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