Can’t Tell What She’s Thinking?

“Why don’t you ask her?” says my single, naïve” friend.

“It’s not always that simple,” I reply wisely. “There will be times when your fear overshadows your curiosity.”

Alot of women I know also proclaim my young friend’s sentiment – “just ask us,” they say. Unfortunately, many a time the men complain that the women don’t open up. However, it doesn’t have to be this way. Especially as open, honest and unhindered communication is vital to the success of any relationship of non-psychic people.

Why would you want to know anyway, if she’s not ready to voice it?

There are many reasons you would still want to know even if she’s not forthcoming with her innermost thoughts, or you are afraid to ask:

you need a clue as to what to do next,
you want to know if there is something you need to make right,
you don’t want to appear too presumptuous,
it’ll make forming a connection much easier.

Why She doesn’t tell you?

There are usually a ton of reason why she doesn’t always come right out and say whatever she’s really thinking when she’s thinking it. Some reasons you can understand while you may not even see what the big deal is. Nonetheless, they matter to her. Among some of the reasons are:

not sure of your reaction,
she’s sure of your (over)reaction,
she could be embarrassed about whatever it is ( perhaps a real or perceived flaw),
she’s afraid you will think it’s silly,
she’s shy and not sure you feel the same way,
or her past experiences have conditioned her to be extremely guarded.

Photo by Slavcho Malezanov on Unsplash

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What I do that you should too

1.Create an environment of trust and safety

I believe this is one reason my relationship is going great. I have long reassured the woman in my life that she has no fear about expressing herself to me regardless of my stance and she can, at the very least, be sure of my understanding. So get her to trust you and she’ll tell you. Make her feel always safe to share because women don’t just share intimate thoughts with just everybody.
When this secure environment of understanding and/or acceptance is created that she easily moves past the surface-level topics and really starts opening up to you on the deeper stuff, like her vulnerabilities.

Note, however, that this level of connection also requires that you are also a little forthcoming yourself because a lack of reciprocity can leave her feeling exposed and she will retreat.

2.Understand that communication is a process that can come with challenges

The process can be hampered by such things as differences in communication styles, or other challenges that need to be overcome for it communication to be effective. For instance, the mood she is in can greatly affect how she perceives and interprets the goings-on around her and how she responds and so too can distractions and her expectations.

To forge ahead, treat these communication challenges as signals to keep the channels open, not to shut them down.

3.The body doesn’t lie

Yes, this is one area where it’s the women that usually excel because it appears, as studies show, that their brains are hot-wired to correctly interpret nonverbal cues such as those conveyed by facial expressions, body postures, and tones of voice, but venture into this area we must.

If you have been together for a while this may be easier because I imagine, you have observed her body language under various circumstances. You know her baseline body language or her “defaults”. So you can very well take your cues from her cues. If you just got together this is your cue to start paying attention to her cues.

In the meantime, just know facial expressions especially are most revealing. They are for the most beyond conscious control. For instance, if she is angry she presses her lips together without being aware she is doing so, and if she is interested her eyes will widen.

4.Become a good listener and you will get to hear everything

When you are in the habit of actively listening to her, she will tell you all you need to know. You just need to listen. Form the habit of listening in a way that shows you are fully engaged and interested and in a way that she knows she is understood even if you hold a contrary view. When she is used to experiencing this and the relief that comes with sharing, she usually won’t leave you guessing.

To be that good a listener you just have to, among other things, always aim to establish a connection, avoid distractions when you are communicating, ask questions for clarification because it tells her you are listening and also gives her a chance to fill in stuff she may have overlooked, among other things.

When you get this down not only will she feel freer to share her thoughts with you, but you will have fewer misunderstandings plus you will be able to clear up the ones that you do have quite quickly.

5.Ask questions that dwell on the emotional

My partner, like a lot of women, tends to be more interested in the emotional component of stuff. So it is not just about who did what, it is about who made her feel what. She opens up more readily to questions allows her to dig into and elaborate on this area.

If you ask her these kinds of questions she will be more forthcoming in answering the querries that let you know what she is thinking, especially if they are emotions she wants/needs to share. This then puts you in a good position to practice emotional responsiveness, which over 40 years of research shows, is the main thing that keeps relationships going strong and vibrant.

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