Dr. Jed Diamond shares his personal story, and his hard-earned insights, about being an abused man in a relationship.
When most of us think of the word “gentle” we often picture a caring and supportive woman and when we think of “abusive” we picture an angry, out of control man. But as the classic Gershwin’s song reminds us, “It ain’t necessarily so.”
Men can be abused by women, and some of these men don’t survive the encounter. I was one of the lucky ones. I got out in time, but I almost lost my life in the process.
I met Rita at Harbin Hot Springs, a retreat and spa in northern California, where people often go to relax in the hot tubs, but also are on the lookout for other kinds of “hot” connections. I had recently ended a long-time marriage and I was definitely ready for some relaxation and I was open to meeting someone new.
It was certainly lust at first sight for me and the relationship developed quickly from there. We mated, dated, and things went hot and heavy. After a weekend with her I was exhausted. At times I was sure I was in love. At other times I was sure I was insane. She was exciting, stimulating in ways I had never imagined, and I craved contact with her.
I should have gotten a wakeup call when she told me about her experience in Mexico. She had gone down with her boyfriend for a week in the sun. Coming home after a night of drinking a truck load of Mexican guys ran through a puddle and splashed them as they were walking on the edge of the road. Rita became enraged, screamed some obscenities, gave them the finger.
Her description of what followed was chilling:
“The guys turned around and drove toward us at high speed. We tried to get out of the way, but I wasn’t fast enough. They plowed into me and drove away. I was pinned against the door of a parked car, which was the only reason I didn’t die. I was in the hospital for a month before I could return with my boyfriend to the States.”
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The way she told the story reminded me of guys comparing war wounds or badges of “honor” in gang fights. She seemed proud of her exploits.
Rather than run the other way, I was intrigued. A year later, we decided to get married. It never occurred to me that I was “hooked” on her like an addict is hooked on heroin. I hadn’t read Stanton Peele’s book, Love and Addiction. I might have seen the danger if I had, but probably not. “Many of us are addicts, only we don’t know it,” says Peele. “We turn to each other out of the same needs that drive some people to drink and others to heroin. Interpersonal addiction, “love addiction,” is just about the most common yet least recognized form of addiction we know.”
Nice Gentle Men Can Be Eaten Alive By Angry Hurtful Women
As I got to know Rita better I realized that she had come from an abusive background. Her father first idolized her when she was a child, then totally rejected her when she moved into puberty and began to develop a woman’s body. Her mother was angry, jealous, and critical of everything she did.
I tried to be a good guy, a good listener, a sensitive partner. She seemed to thrive with my loving attention, but she would also go into “her moods” as I came to recognize them and when she did I became increasingly fearful. She would turn all her hurt, pain and rage on to me.
One time when we were driving, we got into a verbal disagreement, which escalated with her screaming at me and me trying to calm her down so I could drive. In a fury she reached across and grabbed my glasses off my face and threw them out her window. Later she was effusive with her apologies, kind, giving, and extremely imaginative in our love-making, with promises that it would never happen again. And of course, it didn’t happen again…until it did.
“Like all abusive relationships, things alternated between heaven and hell.”
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Like many men in these kinds of relationships, I sank deeper into despair, and became more and more cut off from friends. I was ashamed to tell anyone that my wife was abusing me. I already felt like a poor excuse for a man since I couldn’t seem to stand up for myself. The thought of telling others that I was a hopeless wimp, which was how I saw myself, made me feel even more demeaned. I became increasingly depressed and at one point asked that the gun she kept for protection be removed from the house because I was afraid I might use it. She did what I asked and eventually got rid of the gun for good.
Get Out, Get Help, or Die
We decided to take a trip across country in a futile attempt to “have more fun and rekindle the joy in our marriage.” We bought a camper van and we fought all across the country. I felt if I didn’t stand and fight I would die and if I kept fighting it would kill me. I started noticing physical symptoms including difficulty urinating and pains in my joints. I was sure my body was breaking down. I knew I needed help, but I felt like a prisoner who had lost the will to escape.
Like all abusive relationships, things alternated between heaven and hell. There were times that we were higher than high. We were sure things had changed and we were finally on the road to recovery. At other times things got ugly. After one of our fights we got ready for bed. Rita was still livid at something I had said and looked at me with such hatred it chilled my soul. She took a knife out of the drawer and smiled at me. “Pleasant dreams,” she said. I never closed my eyes the whole night.
She was driving one day as we rolled through the Rockies. The views were spectacular, but once again we had one of our fights. She demanded that I apologize. By this time I was always apologizing, no matter what I did. I knew it was better to give in than face her destructive anger. To preserve any shred of self-worth, I would try to hold out a little bit before I gave in.
This time things were different. The first time she demanded that I apologize I said, “no.” My goal was to hang on for three rounds before I gave in. That was the best I thought I could do. She swerved the van close to the edge. We were high in the mountains with a long drop off that would surely kill us. “Apologize,” she screamed at me. Once again I said, “no.” She swerved even closer to the edge.
This is it, I thought. Either I give in or she’s going to kill us. I had no doubt she could do it and in her state of mind, I had no doubt she would do it. Once again she demanded “God damn you, apologize.” At that moment something clicked in me. I knew I would not apologize. Doing so meant I would give away my very being. I would rather die with myself intact than live a life of shame and fear. When I said “no” the last time, there was no defiance, no anger, no fear, just a resolve to reclaim the small bit of self-hood I had left.
“I came to realize that women can be as abusive as men…”
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She swerved toward the edge and came back on the road. She finally pulled over and broke into tears. The addictive spell had been broken. We returned home and our marriage ended shortly afterwards. I knew I was lucky to be alive and I vowed to do the work on myself so that this would never happen again. I finally reached out for help and began to talk about my abusive relationship and learn how to heal the wounds from my past that made me vulnerable to women like Rita.
I came to realize that women can be as abusive as men and that men’s self-esteem can be undermined to such a degree that we lose our sense of self and become addicted to the cycle of abuse and desire. We long for a better life, but we need help to find to help. Help to find that better life. The help starts when we begin to talk about what’s really going on. I’m still talking and would enjoy hearing from others who have had similar experiences or are touched by what I’ve shared.
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Dr. Jed Diamond talks about how to break free from abuse, trauma, and the stresses that overwhelm us in his new book, Stress Relief for Men.
This has me really got me thinking that my past relationships was not my fault and that I do think I got this love addiction
Jed, thank you! I just have been through hell, and feel currently like I am mortally wounded by my recent experience of abuse. I am desperate to share my story and find that there are no resources at all in South Africa for men such As myself. Any suggestions as to how I can share and get some guidance would be greatly appreciated – please help. Thanks
Been there, got the scar to prove it. So many men I know have had similar experiences. The great thing about this piece is that you take responsibility for your ‘addiction’ and chose to do the work to sort it out. Erin Pizzey, who founded the first ever women’s refuge in London, wrote a very good book 30 years ago on the way abusees are addicted to their abusers, but she is vilified by feminists as ‘blaming the victim’, which is sad because the only way out of this cycle is for the person. who usually has serial abusive relationships,… Read more »
Jed, You are a leader in your field. How do we take experiences like yours and similar experiences of other men and change policy so domestic violence prevention services will actually help abused men, instead of re-victimizing them? I’m thinking of the case two years ago when an Arizona State Senator was hounded from office by Arizona NOW, among others, after his girlfriend reacted violently because he danced with another woman at a party. There were photos of his facial wounds in the media, and still he was treated by the domestic violence prevention activists and their friends in the… Read more »
Martina your comments are a perfect example of victim blaming and I am surprised that no one else has called this out. Your statement “It sounds to me like she felt disconnected from you, not validated and not heard” is like saying “well perhaps if you weren’t a bad lover/man and were able to be better than she would not have abused you” it is so similar to the countless number of excuses I have heard from men in the DV offenders class I have run. Imagine for a moment that the situation was reverse and a man said “If… Read more »
David Jones, A strictly factual question for you, as you mention you run classes for men who are DV offenders: To your knowledge are there classes for women who are DV offenders? For example, does the organization you work for run them? Or are women offenders simply placed into classes with male DV offenders? How common is it for women to be identified as DV offenders and required to attend classes? Do you have any statistics or studies on the treatment of women DV offenders? (We know from DOJ and NIH surveys that about 25% of lesbian women have been… Read more »
Jed i personally thank you for being brave enough to discuss a real issue that affects real men, and not just some faux / mens issue, constructed to shame men.
Thanks for the comments. Its nice to know that my experiences resonate with so many people. I’m happy to report that Carlin and I have been happily married for 33 years now and my experiences (and hers) from the past are now part of the history, the lessons learned, and changes made. Its never too late for a joyful marriage.
I sympathize. I’m definitely what I’d call a b____ – magnet. I probably sound critical here much of the time, but I tend to fall for controlling women. Part of the problem is that this attribute often accompanies intellectuality, which is very attractive.
It sounds to me like she felt disconnected from you, not validated and not heard. And frankly it always takes two to tango, not just to know how to turn away from someone but also to stand up in a conversation and just tell the truth. I’m not advocating staying in an abusive relationship, at all, and this person you were with does sound dangerous. I wouldn’t stay in the house where someone pulled a knife on me. But I think that it’s important to be emotionally accountable — not just for caring about the other person, but to speak… Read more »
There just does seem to be some other stuff in here, aside from the obvious, abhorrent abuse that to me sounds like really typical male/female issues. That’s what I’m responding to.
Otherwise I agree with almost all of the comments on here, and I think it’s great that you are safe and sound!!
Wow i beginning to think the good men project is in fact a real mens / fathers help website instead of the gender-feminist rag that many MRA’s think it is.
Part of that thought that GMP is a gender feminist rag is over the way MRAs have been treated here. Supposedly MRAs are welcome to join the conversation here but there’s a bit of a history of giving feminists more lattitude to speak freely, deleting posts contributed by MRAs with zero explanation, and last year when GMP was attacked for being an “MRA hell hole” there wasn’t much effort to respond to how incorrect that sentiment was.
Sometimes women’s issues are taken more seriously here it seems, case in point the anti-MRA pro-feminist ideology from a few years ago, especially that god awful invite the mra’s to speak and criticize the hell out of them debacle. It’s getting very annoying, especially when male voices are being silenced on a site FOR men.
The truth is, the GMP is about masculinity + gender in the 21st century, but it’s for everyone, not just men. That’s why we have lots of female contributors + lots of female readers as well. And men’s issues are ABSOLUTELY taken seriously at the GMP (there’s no way they’re somehow ignored, belittled or trivialized), but they’re also not treated as more important than women’s issues for the simple reason that many of the issues are stake in this magazine are about humanism, cultural investigation, social justice, gender constructions and performance, which often connect organically with many women’s issues +… Read more »
OP, I hate to be the bearer of bad news but feminism, at least what is feminism now, doesn’t seek to eliminate inequality as far as men are concerned. Now this comes from personal bias but when I told my story about my issues of having been abused by females in addition to males, three feminists (one after the other) tried to convince me that my privileged white male status negated what I suffered from and that females don’t abuse, only men do. That it was an anomaly and nothing compared to the abuse women go through. Three feminists, OP.… Read more »
Great article. Thanks. It seems to me that there exists a cultural understanding that a husband should learn that his wife is always right, even if she’s wrong–let it go, it’s not worth fighting. I’ve heard it over and over, usually on comedy shows, but still…I always thought that was BS, and although I was a nice guy who approached disagreements with thoughtfulness and humility, it wasn’t in my nature to back off what I believed was the truth. Nevertheless, I played that part in my first marriage when I discovered that my ex-wife had such deep-seeded psychological problems that… Read more »
Well said Paul. Wife is always right without argument, and if you argue back, some just argue, argue, argue, without logic or constructive intent. And control by being out of control is classic, threaten and make everyone else responsible.
Well, this is a common story (Somerset Maugham’s “Of Human Bondage”, anyone?). Not-so-lovely “Rita” was for you and many other men, Jed, what “bad boys” are for many “good” women; in both cases, the partner is a psycho, but the sex is probably pretty hot. This begs the question, then, of how can we have the best of both worlds, and ditch the worst; that is have a relationship with an emotionally stable partner, but that still has wildness and passion? I should add that I often wonder what happens to the Ritas of this world once they get too… Read more »
To get the best of “both” worlds, you have to fall in love with a woman who has been abused in her past. She will have the passion for you, once she recognizes you’re the real good man that she was looking for- so long as you prove she can trust you. The exchange is that you must be able to help her when her own abused past recurs in her emotions, because it does come up over and over again at the most “random” times, unexpectedly. Triggers. If you can handle the emotional crap of someone who has been… Read more »
(Simon Forsyth): “One of the things that really gets me is that domestic violence is almost always portrayed as physical and man beats woman, when I know that women are so much more devious and manipulative when it comes to abuse”. Devious and manipulative is exactly what these women are. I think they are also very charming (others, upon first meeting them, will think they are “lovely people”), and in most cases the women are very attractive, hence they can quite easily trap men. It perplexes me that men so often don’t see through these women, when many women will… Read more »
Jed. I can resonate with the story here both from my experience and that of my late dad. My mother is narcissistic ( I only discovered this a year ago!) She verbally abused bit me and my dad, who was too soft. She criticised him constantly. Nothing he did was right and she destroyed him. He finally left her after about 25 years of marriage but she continued to manipulate him through my adopted sister. She abused me the same way, verbally. Nothing I did was right and I was the family scapegoat. Even if I wasn’t even present something… Read more »
Thanks for writing this Jed, I had an abusive relationship that finally propelled me out of a destructive self-relationship, so I can relate. I actually have a kind of gratitude for the experience now, as it propelled me on a path to realising my self value.
I now do a lot of work with Men and it’s a lot more common that people think for men to be the target of emotional abuse. Thanks for sharing, keep it up!
Thanks for the caring comments. We all can help stop abuse in our own lives and for others. The key is what we’re doing here. We share our stories, listen with compassion and empathy, reach out with care and support. Your experiences help me heal. Keep them coming.
I think though you provided a hint that it isn’t just in sharing stories. I was in a bad relationship where I was threatened with knives a few times a week for several months. In the end I think there are two things I would tell people going through the same experience I went through: 1. There is still power within you. Never, ever forget that. But don’t abuse it either. 2. What any bully anywhere is looking for is one thing: someone to stand up to him or her. In your own story, the bad situation ended when you… Read more »
Unfortunately Chris, if something sounds like victim blaming, then it usually is, whether you intended to or not. Bullies and abusers do not respect strength. In fact they work at your self esteem until you lose what strength you have. The only strength at works with people like this is the strength to walk away, but people stay for many different reasons so often aren’t able or ready to do that before a lot of damage is done.
Melanie. Bullies cannot “make” you lose your strength (inner strength that is). As Oprah once said, “you teach people how to treat you”.
“… being gentle is actually a part of the problem. People respect strength (particularly inner strength and confidence) and that is what has to be worked on.”
Yes, this is so true. Its power, your inner power and self-esteem against theirs, and the world responds to that. David Deida says we have too many wimps and ballbusters. Men’s power has self esteem have been shamed away as morally inferior beings. This shame comes from negative beliefs about men–this is my focus as a sociologist.
I am doing a lot of research on men that are in abusive relationships because I am regrettably one of them. I recently had my wife arrested for scratching my neck, face, and back. After she got out she went to a “Domestic Violence Shelter” and began accusing me of beating her and stating that she is the victim here. Needless to say, I have found out that society has a one sided view when it comes to this type of situation. I have been forced to try and explain this to my 2 children. Also, because of societies “opinions”,… Read more »
People talk about equality.
Here’s equality: any person of any gender can be human’s best and human’s worst. Any.
Jed, thank you for sharing your story.
I’ve seen addictive relationships, and they do work that way – regardless the abuser’s gender.
Jed- Thank you for this courageous piece. As a couples therapist, I’ve worked with many men in situations similar to yours. As with women in abusive relationships, there’s a great deal of denial, disbelief and shame. The shame can be even greater in the men, which is saying a lot. Unfortunately, as you and many commenters have said, there’s not a lot of talk about abused men. Your piece confirms a basic belief that I have about people: We all have a bottom line, and occasionally we sink below it. I think that’s what ultimately breaks the spell: the shock… Read more »
“As a couples therapist, I’ve worked with many men in situations similar to yours. As with women in abusive relationships, there’s a great deal of denial, disbelief and shame. The shame can be even greater in the men, which is saying a lot. ” This is the result of a culture that attempt to protect women by arguing they are fundamentally ‘incapable’. Ie ‘women and children first’ translates into ‘women *are* children’ in a way. No, i’m not saying I agree with this, but that this is a natural consequence of our paternalistic attitude towards women. The only way to… Read more »
I take great issue with a writer above saying that the “abuse which matters most.” Oh, really? So there’s a pecking order for victims, is there? Thank you for denying me the equality that you have every right to expect for your own gender. All abuse matters, and it takes nothing away to acknowledge that this can happen to men. It happened to me. And each time someone denigrates it with either denial or a politically motivated rationale such as this, I feel like someone tearing open old wounds. I was in a cycle of constant and steady abuse for… Read more »
I was in such a relationship too for 18 months. I’m 9 months post breakup and I’m still piecing it together. Same underlying story with my ex too. Funny thing is my PD woman knew she was doing it and would admit it (the bad behavior) but kept doing it. It got to the point where I din’t not know who I would get when I picked her up or called her. Was it heaven or hell?? Got to the point where I would start shaking in her presence. I never understood how the shaking manifested. Thanks for the read.
I married a woman and tried everything possible to make it work. Having a gun pointed at me, punched, kicked, having things tossed at me in front of my kids, who were terrified. Nothing like going to the police and being ignored. I went through a horrible four year divorce, but received custody of my children. This woman did everything she could to hurt them since it was the only way left to get back at me. Taking them for evasive medical treatments, having both my daughter and my son locked-up in an institution as young teens and finally losing… Read more »
Hening, It takes a lot to reach out for help, and as you say, too often men are ignored (women also used to be ignored when they were abused, but organized and supported each other). Abuse can leave lasting wounds to children and adults, but healing is possible and a good relationship can be immensely helpful. I’ve been remarried now for 33 years. Carlin has been a great mother to my two children as I have been to her three. The healing continues for us all.
I understand the fear that some women have that if we focus on abuse, both female and male, we will end up losing the focus on women or moving backwards and seeing abuse of women as “normal.” Just as women empowered themselves when they came together to tell the truth about the abuse they experienced, I hope men can also tell the truth about what is happening to us. We all know that the abuse cycle continues unless we speak out, heal old wounds, and commit to new ways of being. Ultimately we are all in this together. As we… Read more »
I understand the fear that some women have that if we focus on abuse, both female and male, we will end up losing the focus on women or moving backwards and seeing abuse of women as “normal.” Now when men have fear of something that is supportive of women that fear is almost always written off as men being afraid of losing privilege or losing the spotlight or not wanting women to get help and support. It would be real tempting to tell the women you describe the same things that are told to the men I describe but that… Read more »
@Mark Goblowsky I do not understand why GMP runs these women are abusive too articles.Even on this male support website,it is clear that the abuse which matters most is that which men committ against women and children.The strong feminist element on GMP and in the media isn’t able to hold both ideas equally-that women and men abuse.They insist on dealing with the issues seperately,preserving the hierarchy Some feminists have a fear that recognizing that men AND women abuse will undermine the strength of their narrative.I pray that it will. I watched the animation film “Wreck it Ralph”,which is aimed at… Read more »
I was in a cycle like this for only a year and a half. She convinced me we only needed one car. Her car. I had no way to leave if I wanted to. She would regularly laud my lack of job over me but would spike into depression and chaos when I tried to get one to keep me from being able to go or keep it. Her rages made me afraid for my life. Today, six years later, I still wake up at slight noises when I sleep. I’m terrified of alcohol when other people have it. Which… Read more »
I spent five years with a woman who I later found out had been diagnosed with Boderline Personality Disorder. It was totally comsumptive and draining, yet I too was completely addicted. Nothing ever made her happy, and I was always taking responsibility for that. She was good at identifying my own self esteem issues, and using those “tender spots” to manipulate me. I finally broke free and can appreciate now how the experience with her helped me to understand my own dysfunctions and shadows going all the way back to childhood.
Anton, You’re right. For every abusive woman (or man) there is a partner who has become hooked on the dysfunction. We can also get hooked on blaming others, or recognize our part in the drama and learn to get the support we need to break free. Blame keeps us addicted to dysfunction, whether we’re blaming ourselves, blaming someone else, or blaming our situation. We get free when we take our lives into our own precious hands, forgive others and ourselves, know that they (and we) did the best we could at the time. Now we need to practice love, for… Read more »
“Blame keeps us addicted to dysfunction, whether we’re blaming ourselves, blaming someone else, or blaming our situation.”
Codependency is a two-way street. To stop playing tug-of-war, we must drop the rope on our end by healing ourselves and seeing our contribution to the problem. It’s the solution that has worked for me. I urge any man who is seeking help to find a local meeting of Al Anon. It’s not just for people who love alcoholics, it works for all types of abusive and dysfunctional relationships.