Alejandro Flores was an insulting and emotionally abusive partner to the person he most loved. He reflects back on the darkness of those times, and on the light ahead.
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The purpose of this writing is to open a dialogue about emotionally abusive relationships and my journey through the dicey path from recognition to reconciliation. Hopefully some will see that they aren’t the only ones in this position and will choose to act to change their lives and the lives of those closest to them… to break the silence and begin to dismantle this often unspoken curse that plagues relationships all over the world. As someone who has been a perpetrator and emotionally abusive, I want to do something about this and help those who are open to reading this (and changing) to break the cycle.
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I am a 37-year-old man, successful career, beautiful family, loving partner who has been given more than my fair share of love, affection and most importantly chances to change. Still, I have spent a lot of my life in a state of anxiety and anger, sometimes looking for an answer as to where my anger comes from. I can barely understand how I managed to become an uncaring, insulting, emotionally abusive person to a partner whom I love very much. Somewhere along the way I lost myself and everything that was important to me in the process.
I’ve had three major relationships and they have all been emotionally abusive in one way or another. So where does it come from? Could it have been my abuse as a child? Growing up in a civil war? Being disciplined because I was an overactive child? Or could it plainly be because I’m an asshole and it comes naturally?
What makes a man forget or not see the fact that he is hurting and abusing people around him? Especially when it’s people who love him and deserve nothing less than respect, affection and his dedicated commitment to stop this behavior?
I can only speak from the heart and from my own experience but I can say that it comes from a very lonely place, a place where you can’t even hear your thoughts, a place of torment. It’s from there that the worst of it reaches and lashes out at those closest to you through your words and actions.
It is the loneliest place on earth. One I do not wish to visit again.
The answer is nowhere near as important as the here, the now, and the subsequent actions one takes to make amends and light the path forward.
I’ve recently been told by someone who was always an advocate for me that I have lost their respect and I have lost their faith. To me, maybe because I am a man with an over-sized ego or because it is simply heart-crushing and overwhelming to hear someone be so hurt by my actions (this point is somewhat hypocritical as my partner who has been through the thick of it with me had said this for some time now and I failed to hear her urgency), it triggered something which I’m still trying to comprehend. It’s called shame, guilt and the deep desire to overcome it.
I have been labeled an “emotional abuser” and rightly so. I have said the nastiest things in anger all in an attempt to try to “defeat” the person I love in order to feel worthy, to be right. For some reason I’ve tried to crush them so I could somehow feel like “I won.” I struggled to accept that label because I thought I was a kind, loving and giving man. Which I am. However, I’m also short-tempered, angry and highly anxious, a man wanting to be loved as everyone does. It was in my self-centered/self-loathing attempt to be loved that I trampled over the beautiful things in my life, and forgot just how invaluable they are and just how much of myself I was also missing out on.
***
Over the last few months I have been trying to deal with this in many forms—not drinking as much, allowing myself to see myself through my abused partner’s eyes and seeking professional help. I finally managed to find a good psychologist who suits me, gets me and is willing to work on this with me. It’s helping me understand myself. Through this process and other struggles, there have been moments when I forget myself and revert back to old habits and insults. But I’ve learned and been able to use a few things that I hope others may benefit from as well:
(1) Recognize – nothing will ever change until one recognizes the pain, anguish, sorrow and trauma that as an abuser one inflicts on the people we emotionally abuse. It has helped me immensely to allow myself to accept certain things about my childhood. It’s better understanding your own pain before you look at the world beyond.
(2) Renounce – one must reject the current state of living, to unequivocally and whole-heartedly want to rid themselves of a behavior and of a way of relating to the world which is counterproductive (even though it feels somewhat instinctual).
(3) Reclaim – the mere fact that one has allowed one’s self to be controlled by negative emotions, anger and the need to suppress others means that there is a desperate need to reclaim your heart, mind and soul. This is a long and sometimes painful process, but remember that even if you have managed to push people you care about away through your actions there is still the most important part: your ability to reclaim your life for yourself and then to love yourself for becoming better (rather than continuing to loath yourself for what you’ve done).
(4) Restructure – make decisive and clear changes to the way you live, beginning with your own understanding of yourself. This may require professional help to allow you to discuss the matter openly and receive new insights into what creates that anger in you. Other lifestyle changes like exercise, better eating habits, meditation, dancing, laughter, etc, will also be needed to support your new direction.
(5) Receive – during this time be prepared to receive feedback and insights about yourself, your anger, the pain inflicted on others and everything in between. It is a gift for someone to care enough to share their thoughts with you, this will be painful as you accept the damage done and the extent of your abusive behavior. This feedback is priceless, albeit hard to swallow and it will allow you to begin rebuilding some trust with your loved ones.
(6) Reawaken – being the socially structured species that we are, every one of us has certain needs like social interaction, acceptance, love, etc. Put this journey, as hard as it may be, into the wider context of a reawakening of you, a new you that has been idle awaiting your turn to evolve, flourish and prosper. You will begin to attract positivity into your life once you accept the challenge and accept your need to change.
(7) Rebuild – trust is something that by this time has been eroded away one insult at a time and as the perpetrator you must make a concerted effort to regain trust from your loved ones. You are worthy of their trust and their love. You are also worthy of your trust and self-love. Rebuild your own sense of self by acknowledging the importance of this process. It will not happen overnight and you must work hard at “earning” trust.
(8) Reconcile – this is never a guarantee, however, if you truly demonstrate to your loved ones that you are taking steps to change your patterns, rebuild your and their trust and reclaim your life you have a good chance to at the very least reconcile with yourself. Others may follow depending on the extent of the relationship breakdown, but even if you walk away with your own self-acceptance then you are on the way to attracting good things back into your life.
This entire process is long, turbulent, scary, disturbing, hurtful, etc. It is also uplifting, humbling, imperative, insightful, worthwhile and very special in the most intimate of ways. It is a process where you learn to be intimate with yourself and you get to not only recognize but also begin to forgive yourself. It is a process where the world will begin to fall into place for you and work with you to overcome and evolve.
The most rewarding thing is being able to look at the ones I love the most and seeing some light returning to their eyes for me and seeing the same light in mine. This process is not yet over for me, far from it, however, I am beginning to smile again and I am beginning to love not hate. I am beginning to love myself. Someone I barely ever knew.
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–Photo: nowherenear/Flickr
Good luck in your journey to self-responsibility and love! I will pray that you will make it and that love, understanding and intimacy will heal and reach all parts of your life, leaving no more room for sadness! Good that you are an abusive MAN talking, though… if it was a woman who used to/still treat her partner the way you do speaking up here right now, the GMP men would have chopped off your head by this point. Figuratively speaking, of course. And all would be about the “toxic selfishness” of “most women” today, and how women are the… Read more »