Is sex all it’s cracked up to be? Maintaining a level of respect and honor around this part of life can help a lot.
Do you remember the days when parents would tell their kids that the three things no one should talk about publicly are politics, religion and sex? Heh, that’s old-school knowledge and, for many people, reeks of archaic patriarchy.
What I know about sexuality and what I “think” I know about it has definitely gone through an emotional and spiritual wringer in my life. Probably there are hundreds of thousands of people around the world that see sex as no big deal. Just two people fall in love, get together, have a good time, sleep it off, wake up the next morning, wonder what the hell happened last night, have coffee and a cigarette and go their separate ways.
I don’t have all the answers around this heavy subject. What I do know about my own sexual life is that it’s been more problematic than peaceful, loving and tender. A whole lot of shame and guilt, intertwined with uncomfortable feelings around my own self-worth and whether I am worthy of a woman’s love or not, have tossed me to and fro for years.
At this point in my life, I’ve come to have a lot more respect for myself and where I am at when it comes to sexuality. The path here, though, has not been easy.
Many people have no interest in sexuality. Their lives are so focused on careers, family issues and other matters that even pausing to consider whether or not they have sexual energy running through their bodies is a waste of time. I’ve been there, done that.
Here’s an open secret, not a hidden one: Everyone has sexual energy running through their bodies at all times. Look at those who create art. Look at those whose minds and hearts are geared toward producing movies and television shows. Look at those who are in business either for themselves or others. Everyone has a unique talent laden within them. I believe that talent, whatever it is, comes from the place of manifestation within our sexual energy.
But you really don’t care about any of that, do you? No, you want to read about screwing around and who’s banging who. That’s what matters.
And for those of a religious nature, let me say that I have the utmost respect for where some attempt to provide a structure for children, young adults and families. Human sexuality in this context is pretty black and white. You get married. Marriage is only recognized (in some places, not all) as being between a man and a woman. The tired, worn phrase “God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve” gets tossed around in circles. Bad theology, bro. God made us all. Period. Another message: Before marriage, there is absolutely no premarital sex. None. Oh wonderful, the Puritans stopped by and said hello to me today.
There are also positive thoughts and ideas around sexuality, too. It is nurturing, tender, kind, passionate, compassionate and joyous. I don’t say this in a “dirty way,” either. It is quite a beautiful experience when two people (and it doesn’t matter one damn bit to me if it involves heterosexual or same-sex couples, so send the hate mail my way) experience healthy sexuality.
It’s quite amazing how much time and energy people, both men and women, spend reading, watching and thinking about sexuality. As in watching either soft-core or hard-core pornography, reading sexualized romance novels, or lost in the inner maelstrom of fantasy. Not judging anyone here around that stuff because, well, I’ve been there.
Many years ago, I started a journey toward discovering what my own inner struggles with this beautiful sexual energy were all about.
There have been periods of massive awareness and awakening around it. Getting in touch with what healthy masculinity looks like has definitely helped. I don’t mean learning new pick-up lines, either. I’ve learned (and keep learning) what is healthy for me and what is not. Many years of spending nights in a dark room, trying desperately to find that “perfect” adult image on my computer just for an orgasm, left me separated from myself. I used this as a coping mechanism to block out a lot of internal pain. More than anything, I wanted to love and be loved. I wanted to share that type of healthy relationship I saw in other couples once I reached my late 30s with someone special.
Admittedly, I still do today.
Yet I’ve reached a point, at 50 years old, where I have a lot more respect for my own sexuality. I have gained so much wisdom and insight from individuals and groups that seek a higher form of sensual expression than what I’ve been used to for years.
Thankfully, I have put some space and time between those behaviors that do not help my self-esteem or enhance my healthy sexual side. Even writing and talking about sex leaves me feeling a little bit less than others. I know there are many people who write incredible words and articles about it.
I have gained a lot of wisdom around this not-so-taboo subject. This is something worth celebrating for me, and it is my hope that others embrace their own healthy sexuality.
It’s none of my business what goes on behind your closed doors. I will say that I’m dead-set against any form of sexual abuse, whether it is physical, emotional or spiritual. That is total bullshit, and that’s what leads to damaged souls wandering whether it is OK to have a healthy sexual relationship. Some people are abused to the point where they hate themselves so much and start cutting with razor blades or mutilate their bodies in different ways.
If you are going through this type of pain, then please reach out for help. You are not alone and, yes, you are as worthy of healthy love, respect and sex as I am.
My sexuality is worth celebrating in a healthy way. Yours is, too.
Photo: Getty Images