I’ve been noticing my white peers get criticized for centering their feelings when the topic of discussion is racism. Critical terms like “white tears” or “white guilt” come to mind.
Here’s the thing, though. White people have feelings, too. That’s not me crying my own white tears, that’s me stating a fact.
The term “white tears” carries a meaning that draws the line between centering my white experience and owning it or centering my white experience and blaming others for it. The key here is that my experience is my experience, I feel the same in either situation.
The variable is what I do with it… own or blame.
Centering without ownership is the problem
I recently read a post here that made me contemplate this notion.
The author writes about how she pushed a white woman to go deeper when reflecting on her white privilege. Challenged her to take the viewpoint of the black man in her story, instead of keeping the focus on her experience.
She challenged the woman to write an article about how her white privilege made that black man feel, surely a healthy exercise. This woman started hiding public comments that were critical or pressured her to step outside of her experience and consider that of the black man.
After more pressure and criticism, the woman eventually removed her entire white privilege post. A move for which she was further reprimanded.
So was she centering her emotions or owning them?
In my opinion, whatever that’s worth, she was centering her emotions without owning them.
But the truth is I have no idea. I can only draw from and speak to my experience, as this woman did in her post about her white privilege. Were the black woman and her allies who criticized her right to challenge her?
Again, only my opinion, but I don’t see any harm in earnestly and compassionately supporting people as they push the edge of their comfort zone.
Centering with ownership is the challenge
What I did take away from this read is that the term “centering white emotions” is a touchy and subjective means for criticism. Unless white people learn to own their feelings around this subject, then they are doomed to waiver in the face of this criticism.
The shame I carry surrounding my white privilege is real and it’s heavy. Without owning it though, I’m unknowingly expecting people with darker skin than mine to tell me it’s ok… but that is not their responsibility! Feeling the discomfort is in fact my responsibility.
This is what I refer to as truly being centered in my emotions. Processing them myself and taking ownership along the way. I do this by confiding in people I know I can trust to support me as I navigate my way through these emotions.
An in-person race dialogue is a healthy way to do this. Just go into it prepared to receive that criticism you so fear. When done deliberately and with self-compassion, these difficult conversations can truly make progress. It isn’t easy, and that’s the point.
Talking about this shit is hard, and the internet is no place to go looking for compassion. I’m all for reflecting, writing, and sharing with open-minded people. However, if you’re not strong enough to own your experience, critics will eat you alive from behind their keyboards… even if it is constructive.
It is impossible to truly center myself in someone else’s experience. But if I am to empathize with them, I must first get centered in my experience and own everything that comes up.
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This post was previously published on Equality Includes You.
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