Theresa Byrne speaks from personal experience as she maps out some of the most destructive, telling signs of sociopaths.
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When you meet a sociopath or narcissist, you see someone charming, witty and sure. We fall for the act.
Why am I writing this?
Because I want others to stay safe, sane and aware. We learn from each other’s experiences, and these ‘paths follow predictable patterns. Hey, I teach self-defense and I’ve been played! Even with a background in social work, psychology and defense, I’ve been taken—even by people claiming to be doing spiritual work and leaders in their fields.
I’ve counseled survivors of the aftermath and I’ve been in relationships with narcissists, sociopaths, psychopaths, energy suckers and toxic people. I have been in their circle of “friends,” their groups; they’ve been my co-workers. I’ve been introduced to them, dated them, and run across them in business opportunities, at networking events and in social media. I shudder to think how crazy they can make your life, how obsessive and dramatic.
For the sake of this article, I’ll use the term ‘path to encompass a wide range of pathologies. It’s a pathology without empathy.
It used to be more common to hear of ‘paths that were men, but in past few years I’ve seen more and more women exhibiting these characteristics. And experienced it directly.
How does it happen? And why does it happen?
With a firm handshake and a confident way of looking you directly in the eye, you feel drawn in. A ‘path is someone with a penchant for funny stories, quick wit, intelligent conversation, and an ability to talk about difficult subjects with seemingly heartfelt emotions. People admire them. They’re warm. And convincing. They’re fascinated by you. They ask you questions and wait for the answers. They listen.
Fantastic at storytelling, their stream-of-consciousness speaking is captivating. If it’s a business connection, it will be intense; a bigger connection than you could ever imagine. They’ll draw you in with how they can help you, bring you to the next level, and generously give you all the amazing contacts they have. You’ll get taken in by the pictures they paint, the possibilities they share.
They’ll tell you about all the fans that adore them, and how many crazy stalkers they have. The ‘path says they’ll help you be a better person. And how they are a better person just from being around you. They’ll fix all your weaknesses, take away all the struggles you’ve felt. All from the kindness of their heart.
And if you’re being romanced by a ‘path, look out. They will appear to be everything you think you’ve ever wanted. They will be the soulmate you’ve always dreamed about, and the answer to all your prayers. They will seem to be your everything, because they know what to look for.
They are nature’s survivors, the chameleons.
Adapted from Confessions of a Sociopath: You would like me if you met me. I have the kind of smile that is common among television show characters and rare in real life, perfect in its sparkly teeth dimensions and ability to express pleasant invitation. I’m the sort of date you would love to take to your ex’s wedding—fun, exciting, the perfect office escort. And I’m just the right amount of successful so that your parents would be thrilled if you brought me home.
Until… you question them. Until you disagree with them. Until you stand up to them. Until you see their true colors. Until you don’t give them what they need/want or you say “no.”
You call them on facts that don’t seem real, facts that seem too farfetched to be real. Stories that seem too crazy to be true often are. You ask them about behavior that doesn’t mesh with who they say they are, or you question their negative opinion about someone or something.
They need affirmation. Attention. Importance. A stage. And you’re keeping them from it.
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In that moment, if you aren’t a believer, a follower, a disciple, a friend or a fan, then you are an obstacle. They no longer see you as a person. If you don’t buy into whatever they are selling, you are not important and you don’t matter. They need affirmation. Attention. Importance. A stage. And you’re keeping them from it.
Then you will be discarded as so much human trash—a hindrance. Written off. If you aren’t important to them, can’t help them or fall all over them to stay enmeshed tightly in the relationship or the circle of friends, you will be dispatched.
If you can’t admire their pretty colors, these chameleons will turn on you.
And turn others against you. You become less than useless. You become an object, a thing. You will be questioned; your integrity, your motives, they’ll turn anything that happened into you using them. They’ll call you names. They’ll resort to smear campaigns, rumors and triangulations. And it brings them pleasure to do it. They feel vindicated, powerful. They feel a sense of victory.
“I helped you, for God’s sake! Everything I did was for you! You used me!” They’ll scream.
“You were nothing before I came along. I made you! I will destroy you!” They’ll only see their side of the story, any story.
“I did what I did for you, can’t you see that? It was all because I am so kind. So generous. All I do is help people. For their benefit. You are a user, like all those other people. You’re a nobody. You just wanted something from me. You’re just like all the rest.”
It is you who is now called “crazy.” Jealous. Misguided. Delusional. Needy. You’ll be like all those people the chameleon put down. They’ll call you a “stalker” or a “psycho.” They’ll call you needy, unhinged and pathetic. And people won’t see what you’ve seen, so they’ll believe the ‘path.
You’ll be attacked. Either outright or covertly. Covertly only those in the ‘inner circle’ will know who the ‘path is referencing, but they’ll all know. It’s you. Overtly they’ll mention your name as they drag you down to anyone that will listen. You know it, you heard it about others.
With the invention of social media ‘paths can wreak havoc on your reputation without you seeing a word, if you’ve been “blocked.”
At best you’ll just be removed.
At worst, you’ll be threatened with lawsuits, slander, libel, disbarring, unfriended, blocked and disparaged. Mutual contacts will get to bear witness to the ‘path saying cruel things about you. Silly human things like emotions of empathy, shame or regret don’t enter their scene. ‘Paths don’t feel bad. They’ll feel pity, they’ll feel sorry for you, but never empathy.
You may even suddenly find friendships you’ve had for years blown apart by the drama and negativity.
All the while that charming chameleon you first met just smiles at the path of destruction that somehow always shows up around them. Certainly they aren’t at fault. There’s no way they could be to blame. It was they who were betrayed. They are the perennial victims.
That sunshiny chameleon will morph into a very cold, dark, unfeeling shell.
You will see the deadness behind their eyes.
They do it without a care, because they can’t care.
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You will see their cunning machinations: lies, deceit and a pleasure in hurting others on purpose. Causing intentional pain just for fun. They do it without a care, because they can’t care. That bears repeating: they don’t have feelings like you or I. Do not imagine you’ll be able to rationalize with them, or get them to “see the light.”
Now you see me, watch out when you don’t.
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Learn more about signs of a dangerous relationship here.
This story has been republished to Medium.
Photo credit: Shutterstock
You’ve just described every person I’ve ever met.
The real mistake is thinking that someone else is the reason for the pain you feel. Look within, all the answers are waiting for you.
I’ve dealt with these. I’ve been outright slandered by them. I have at least one friend who’s been so taken in by it that she’s likely convinced I -am- one. All I can do is take one step at a time and be glad that I’ve discovered and excised those who claimed to know my nature, but were all too ready to believe the worst of me even in spite of the evidence of their senses. What’s worse is that at least one of the individuals at the center of the drama suffers from issues that are not hard-wired, and… Read more »
“even by people claiming to be doing spiritual work and leaders in their fields.” I wouldn’t say “even.” I think spiritual work, counseling, and self-help fields are *especially* attractive to manipulators. Experts in professional fields are probably more likely than average to be sociopaths or psychopaths. Some careers like surgery even seem to require -pathic people. As an introvert, I’d like to take a moment to rub this in. Notice how the people you have to really watch out for are NOT the “loners” or the “quiet ones” or “that guy who looks like a serial killer” (whatever that means).… Read more »
Interesting and popular representation of the “path” being evil. Actually the majority are lonely not being able to hold on to friendships or even jobs. Most do not recognize themselves as pathological and cannot figure out why they are socially isolated. Most become very lonely and suicidal. It actually takes a lot of empathy to build and keep connections with people. Those that are pathological lack the social skills necessary to even function without putting off everybody around them. It is not like the TV show Dexter where the “path” knows how to fake it. If you actually become close… Read more »
You seem to be confusing something else with sociopathy… the sociopath or psychopath is usually excellent at manipulating perceptions, particularly the perceptions of those the ‘path deems useful. What you describe sounds more like someone with Asperger’s (who has difficulty understanding social cues but if it was *translated* would have empathy) or someone who was severely bullied by a sociopath and is then unable to maintain relationships due to psychiatric injury (PTSD, reacting to trigger situations in negative ways). A lack of social connections is not the same thing as a lack of empathy for others. The sociopath is expert… Read more »
Awesomely put. Thank you.
Arifah Aronson..I would strongly recommend that you read the website http://emergingfrombroken.com/
While the website is focused on parent child relationships…you will find answers to your questions….keep reading…till you reach understanding of why and how these people attack! maybe an insight with help you charting your path. It did help me a bit!
This article just blew my mind… It’s my ex boyfriend to a “T”, my dream man, soulmate, forever love one day and the next I had betrayed him “like everyone else” and was a piece of trash discarded and bad mouthed for everyone to hear and feel badly for him, having been “mistreated yet again!” OMG.. I’m stunned. Thank you for this. My heart can now mend <3
I’m with Randal ^^. And: thank you, Theresa. But I also wonder: when will you investigate your own insufficiencies or pathologies that render you susceptible to the so-called sociopath (DSM-V version)? For it certainly takes ‘two to tango’ and for your vulnerability (i.e. the thing that made you write), how do you see yourself relating to the sociopaths you’ve encountered?
Thank you–this was so well written and accurately described. The worst relationship with one I think is having one as a parent…. because then you grow up primed for any other ‘path to follow, and it has taken me -years- to get out. I’d love to read an article on that aspect as well!
I agree, having a ‘path as a parent is one of the easiest ways to end up emotionally crippled for life. My father (with whom I no longer have any contact, to the point of changing my name!) is one, and I can attest to the damage they can do to everybody around them. Despite years of therapy, I still can’t trust myself or others easily. If someone puts me down or rejects me, I’m more likely to agree than to fight back, because along with clinical depression, I was conditioned to believe that I am by my very nature… Read more »
That’s awful that you had to go through that. No one should have to experience that.
This is also a tragic example of how having children does NOT automatically make a person less self-centered. Having kids is not a cure for narcissism or being a sociopath. It just spreads the damage further.
Please look into a modality that might work for you to replace the subconscious messages you carry from childhood wounding. These are the thoughts that drive our actions and control how we feel about ourselves, even when we are aware that we are lovable and worthwhile. I have a list of resources that I compiled from people who have done this inner work. Please let me know if you would like it. My email is smadera76 at gmail dot com.
Thank you, Theresa, for this thought provoking exposé of an a pattern that seems to be in an ever-increasing spiral of momentum in our culture. We have virtually become a culture of narcissism that spins an already “me-first” selfish bent towards entitlement and self-gratification into pathological maelstrom hellbent to manipulate, control, domineer, dominate, and grovel in self-glorification at the expense of others. Your characterization of it a chameleon-like behavior is appropriate, though it does cast chameleon’s survival strategy in a bad light to be thus compared. The shape-shifters you describe seem to be driven not merely by ego-survival needs, but… Read more »
Poignant questions indeed! I find myself asking these questions and more of my own personal experience with a ‘path. For example, at what point does compassion for the mental illness become enabling, or worse still, inadvertently assisting in their harmful behavior? Historians of World War II are still asking themselves the question of how Adolf Hitler had convinced an entire nation no, nearly the entire world that his emperial actions were worthy of “appeasement” by pacifist or neutrality supporters, and in some cases even “justified” in their scope and breadth with a near disregard for human life. By the time… Read more »
Bill and Hillary Clinton are both perfect examples. They are both sociopaths who despise anything
not under their control. People like them don’t just want power, they need it like a smoker needs
a cigarette or an alcoholic needs a drink. It is part of who they are, which is why sociopaths
gravitate to politics or law enforcement, because it gives them an outlet for those urges.
I’ve had several in my life. In writing my memoir, I’m being careful with the writing to not become bashing, because it involves my father. I do appreciate your candor. As it happens I’m dealing with one now. Unfortunately, they don’t respect boundaries, and yes they turn. The energy this person is sending me I don’t wish for anyone to experience. I’m trying to comprehend my role, and all I can come up with is: what I know is to help others. I don’t know how yet and I’m staying open to guidance, because I don’t believe that all I… Read more »
Wonderful that you are conscious of your journey, Arifa. A dating book author myself, I am fascinated by books on relationships. May I ask what you book’s title is and where it will be sold?
I don’t like admitting this but I can certainly emphasize with you Arifah.