Yes, this is within our power to change. Here’s how to start.
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I am a woman and I have a boy child. This has proved to be a learning edge for me. It has been a joyful, worrisome, humbling, and enlightening endeavor. In my home we have worked hard to create an emotionally safe environment—a place where shame is close to nil, emotions are validated, and effective, kind boundaries are calmly held. It is not perfect. It’s not easy. But it is possible, and it’s an ongoing process.
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Here are a few do’s and don’ts I’ve discovered, some of which could apply to all small people, but are mentioned here specifically with regard to boys:
Do:
- Let boys emote. Make safe, supportive space for them to feel their feelings. The healthiest thing for humans to do when they have a feeling is to simply have it. I like to say, “The only way out is through.”
- Be aware of media messages and other social conditioning (they are everywhere!)It helps so much to parent against the cultural tide. Larry Cohen, author of Playful Parenting, phrases it like this: Girls need extra opportunities to feel powerful and in charge, and boys need extra opportunities to feel connected and vulnerable.
- Provide toys that bridge the gender gap.Two of my closest friends had babies the same year I did. One had a boy, and the other a girl. For their first birthdays, I intentionally sent the boy a doll and the girl a truck.
Don’t:
- Tell them to “shake it off” when they get hurt—emotionally or physically.Research shows (page 5) that repressing emotional release is stressful to the point of being a health risk. An emotionally unsafe environment is perceived as a threat just as much as a physically unsafe one, setting off the flight/fight/freeze survival state of the brain.
- Call your baby, toddler, or child a “little man.” This might seem harmless, but it’s really laying the groundwork for later messages and biases that perpetuate or justify violence such as, “Boys don’t cry,” “Be a man,” or “Man-up.”
- Perpetuate sexist beliefs about boys. Eliminate the statement, “Boys will be boys,” as an excuse for bad behavior.
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I was inspired to write about masculinity after watching a theater performance produced by Maine Inside Out, a local organization that collaborates with incarcerated and formerly incarcerated people to create and share original theater, inside and outside of correctional facilities. Their work is nothing short of amazing. The young men in the show were introspective and insightful. A common theme they spoke about was realizing that it is OK to feel. This caught my attention.
A masculine culture that shames boys for connection, vulnerability, fear, or sadness compounds their social isolation; potentially increasing depression rates and the instance of violent behaviors.
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After working with children and families for over 20 years, there is one thing I know for sure—emotions drive behavior. Emotional states diminish access to what is called the “executive state” of the brain (technically known as the prefrontal cortex). This is the part of the brain responsible for weighing the consequences of your actions and planning ahead. When emotions are not allowed to run their course, optimal wiring of the brain, executive function in particular, is compromised (page 8). When we don’t allow boys to feel a full range of human emotions—fear, anger, grief, delight—we stunt them and weaken their emotional competency.
A masculine culture that shames boys for connection, vulnerability, fear, or sadness compounds their social isolation; potentially increasing depression rates and the instance of violent behaviors. Every online source I checked placed the rate of violent crimes committed by men at around 90% (page 3). I subscribe to the commonly held theory that this is due to their early conditioning, namely, being conditioned to not feel.
It’s fairly straightforward—if you are denied access to how you feel, your ability to be connected to, and have empathy for others, is automatically weakened. If we increase our awareness and support the emotional lives of boys more, we can help evolve the culture of masculinity.
Recommended reading:
Boys Will Be Boys: Breaking the Link Between Masculinity and Violence, by Myriam Miedzian
Packaging Boyhood: Saving Our Sons from Superheroes, Slackers, and Other Media Stereotypes, by Sharon Lamb and Lyn Mikel Brown
Would you like to help us shatter stereotypes about men?
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Photo: Getty Images
You’re definitely on the right track here Sarah. As Mark Greene said here not long ago, I’m only passing through this world once and for me to not experience the other 50% of a human experience and expression of it would be the height of folly. That does NOT mean I become effeminate in being. What it does mean to me Is to allow oneself to feel like we have allowed the other 50% of us to do without reproach but in expectation. I want it to be expected that boys and men can actually express feelings appropriately without ANY… Read more »
It sounds nice to attempt to speak with gender neutral techniques but I do not think 90% of violence is done by boys. Women fear boy outbursts and call it violent. I do not think we know how to measure girls violence. The verbal assaults, lies and back stabbing. Girls also slap, but we do not measure slapping as VIOLENCE. I think there is much more to acts of violence either vindictive of physical. As a society we need to rethik.n
When I opened this page, I thought it was going to be about the lack of masculinity, or declining masculinity in today’s society. It’s just another discussion of how we need to get rid of masculinity, as if being a man, being manly, all of our innate male-unique feelings, desires, and emotions, are from a bad place. Even the comments here, as if masculinity is the cause of crime in the world. We encourage femininity so much in our society, it is what leaves young boys confused, and full of guilt. We tell young men that the expression of masculinity… Read more »
I hate the phrase boys will be boys is as an excuse for bad or destructive behavior. Personally I wince whenever I hear another parent say it to excuse poor behavior, and I really want to ask them how low their expectations are for their son(s)? Because the message you send when you excuse bad behavior this way is that you do not expect your sons to be able to behave in a manor that a civil society requires, because they are boys. I feel that if you have higher expectations for your sons they will rise to meet them!… Read more »
“It’s fairly straightforward—if you are denied access to how you feel, your ability to be connected to, and have empathy for others, is automatically weakened.” That’s similar to a point I’ve been trying to make for a long time and I’m glad it’s starting to be recognized in the main stream. I bring this up every time I read those let’s teach boys empathy for others, but never actually mention teaching boys that they matter. That their feelings matter. That their happiness matters. I’ve always said teaching empathy is a great step two, but unless I feel that I deserve… Read more »
Nice job, Sarah. Love this: “It’s fairly straightforward—if you are denied access to how you feel, your ability to be connected to, and have empathy for others, is automatically weakened.” Mutual empathy is the foundation for compassion and trust. We must learn to FEEL our own pain and that of others. There is an important step that happens BEFORE an emotion takes us hostage. It is a THOUGHT. Young men don’t learn this easily and I agree it is best to just let them FEEL and encourage their vulnerability without shame. Then we can try to set boundaries and the… Read more »
I think you’re talking about anger. Sa Bam Nim said turn anger into spirit. Some of the most productive days I’ve had at work is when I’ve come in PO’d.
I told a guy once that he could go ahead and continue angering a friend who held 2 black belts, but just don’t expect him to fight stupidly. He’s simply removing the safety from the gun. Extremely damaging techniques my friend normally would refrain from using would be on the table.
Anger does cause us to lose some control, but not all. I think that’s where you start.